In the Middle
I always find myself wanting to start from the beginning with you. So that you’ll know where we’re going.
But instead, I grab your hand in the middle once again. And here we are, in the middle.
In the middle of joy.
In the middle of sadness.
In the middle of disappointment.
In the middle of hope.
In the middle of the unknown.
It always seems as though we’re somehow in the middle of things. Not yet fully arrived nor yet fully prepared to get where we think we’d like to be.
Yesterday, someone gave me another dating and waiting book of sorts.
It took everything within me, not to turn into the Hulk.
But I realized something…this now has become an open wound.
It’s not infected.
But it’s open. It’s tender.
I twinge just a bit when someone reaches out their hand to touch it.
I had a crush for all of 5 minutes 2 weeks ago. And then I ran down the list in my mind why it would never really work.
He’s a bit younger…He lives in a different city….Oh, and he doesn’t know that I exist.
Classic Patrice.
And then today, I had a bit of an ambush situation with a friend, where you think you’re simply hanging out, only to find out they’ve been hurt and wounded by your past words and this hang out, is actually more an intervention than anything else.
And they are looking you dead in your face, for the reasons—you know, the reasons “why”-you-are –the-way-you-are look.
And alls I could say--with the last bit of sincerity I could muster up at such short notice was, “I’m so sorry. It was never my intention to hurt you.”
But in that moment, I realized, something awful triggered in my own heart.
My thoughts began to fly, and a mindset began to rest in the background of my heart:
But if I have to apologize to you in this instance, I've lost respect for you. Because I inherently think, why weren’t you superhero-like enough to understand my invisible intentions? Or know me and/or my character as you claimed you did in moments past. How could you let meee down?? #pride...
I know. That sounds ugly. But I’m just being real about my process.
I meant the words of apology that I had said, but my heart was somehow removed.
I kept thinking, did they ever really know me? Because that’s what we do. We make it about us as quickly as possible.
But I could recognize what was at play in my heart…this wasn’t the first time…
Feeling unknown and misunderstood is one of life’s hardest blows. You immediately feel isolated from the rest of the world. You become an outsider. Loneliness begins to slither around your neck. And adding fuel to the fire…a feeling like you’re somehow overlooked, in the middle, still waiting, and not invited to the Ball--it all feels like cold alcohol on a raw wound.
Yes. Apologies often expose our hearts in ways we didn’t quite expect.
It escalates quickly.
From a genuine, “I’m sorry”…to…”Can I not do anything right?” to…”Nobody is ever gonna wanna love me and marry me...”
Oh to be in the middle of things…once again.
It’s messy here.
But I’m not running away.
My friend’s feelings and perspective were completely valid. You will never convince someone else, that what they feel and/or felt and know in their heart to be true-- as otherwise. And it’s imperative that we choose to honor and hear out the view of others, especially people we claim to love.
It takes courage to confront.
It takes courage to apologize.
It takes courage to love.
It takes courage to allow yourself to be loved well even in the process of things. Knowing that you are worth it every step of the way.
It takes courage to forgive, especially when you may never see an apology.
And in case you’ve forgotten, it takes an insane amount of courage to dream… and to keep on dreaming even after the punches of pain, disillusionment and disappointment have almost won.
I’m proud of us.
We aren’t at the beginning anymore.
And we aren’t at the end just yet.
But alas, we are somewhere beautifully in the middle.
Wisdom’s Knocking:
“There are far, far better things ahead than any we leave behind.”
- C.S. Lewis
