Calling - Ambition

I was just sitting there, taking in all the incredible speeches of the night.

Mostly, I was impressed that I showered and put on a skirt and some pumps—yes, I said pumps, because long live the fashion of 1986 thank you very much.

But even more intriguing than my fashion choices of the night was the event itself.

Highlighting those in the entertainment industry that have forged a way, while also holding firm to their faith in God and mentoring numerous folks a long the way.

Contrary to popular belief, some incredibly talented people behind the scenes and in front of the scenes in Hollywood happen to be true and solid people of faith.

So there I was, sitting in a crowd of people watching the next video clip that would intro the next recipient to be honored.  His list of credits were incredibly impressive, but when he got on stage, and said with gentleness and frankness, that there’s a difference between Ambition and Calling…

I was SHOOKETH.

He then went on to explain:

“The main difference is motive.

Are you just as happy to see someone else succeed in the area you feel Called…”

Um. Excuse you?

I know.

Stunned.

  Can we break that down for a minute?

  I mean, I literally had to stalk this man on Facebook, in order for him to clarify what I heard, because for some reason, throughout my decade journey of adventure in Los Angeles --the land of dreamers and perpetual purpose chasing, countless seminars, church conferences, and the like, I don’t quite remember a 3 hour talk of any kind, putting it out there as succinctly as this.

  I mean—the man could have ‘mic dropped’ after that statement.

  But he is much kinder than I am.

  Therefore, he elaborated and told some great stories. Of which I can remember none.

  But I still remember the reverberation of Calling versus Ambition.

  I know when we normally think of ambition, we equate it with drive and motivation. Like, do you have ambition in life to get out of bed, brush your teeth and shower?

  Or often, do you have ambition to do something significant with your life? And yes, the word “significant” can be a semantics playground.  But in essence, is your ambition self-centered, for the glory of self, and the edification of self, solely?

  Is it rooted in self-preservation?

  It’s this sense of “MINEZZZ”, when it comes to this thought of Ambition. And what’s driving you to actually want to succeed? Is it success for ‘success sake’? To prove worth?

Versus…

Your Calling which sounds more like, “OURS” – meaning, it’s something that you might possess as a gifting or a strength, but you are aware and willing to release it, to work at it, to share it, and have the capacity and freedom to deeply celebrate others as they succeed in the same field or career.

  Calling often goes beyond the borders of just a career or a job, but is knit closely to who you are and what you love at your core. It already whispers to you secretly, “Believe it or not, You’re made for this. You’re already worthy.”

  So as a person of faith, my first and highest calling is to God first.

  So any and all things that bring attention to Him in my life, makes my heart feel utterly complete and joyful.

  And when I see others showing people the true beauty of God, the sacredness, the holiness, the joy—I’m not stirred to offense or jealousy. But I’m thrilled.

  As Calling is being unveiled before me in my personal life, I’m understanding more than ever, how relational calling is--how heart driven it is, and how it actually does incorporate our dreams and desires, and what we are made for, but it’s not of our own making alone.

  I once prided myself on doing everything on my own. Not being a burden to anyone, by always trying to be self-sufficient. I thought that meant “true success and worth”.

  But that was me being stubborn and naïve (and yes, prideful). But I’m getting better.

  Reckless Ambition, tricks you into thinking you can do it all on your own. And sustain that pace for the long run. But Nope.

We all know countless high profile people that have shown us the results of trying to walk this out. It’s just not sustainable.

  So as I step more into my calling, this year, I realize it’s definitely a community effort.

  It’s a family thang.

  We need each other.

  And that’s part of the beauty of a Calling.

  You won’t be alone in it.

  It’s just so sweet.

  So for me, as I connect more behind the scenes with the Christian festival David’s Tent, I’m utterly aware of how precious it is to my heart and to all those involved. And how God, has taken such great care to lead me down the path of my Calling over the course of decades for it to actually make sense.

  I’m amazed at how’s He’s used everything from my university training, to my current career in TV production and events, to my odds jobs, to my love of prayer and pastoring teenagers, to my love of music, dance, and worship, to having family based all over the U.S. and U.K. to so many other details—

  It’s just all becoming so clear, that it’s all been a small part of my overall Calling.

  Hindsight of the journey will tend to uncover that for you.

  But as we close the chapter on 2018…

  If you’re clueless about your calling, don’t stress about it.

  Just ask God what the next step is meant to be.

  But steward your gifts, your talents, your skills, and your strengths well-- in the midst of your waiting, because you just never know when there’ll be a crash collision of you, your heart, and your beautifully awaited destiny.

.

Wisdom’s Knocking:

“Your word is a lamp to my feet

And a light to my path.”

-Psalm 119:105

The Cave

He has me facing the cave.

Facing the dark place that has enveloped me in such gross darkness, anxiety, and shame over the last 10 years.

Death.

How do we process and reconcile grief in its many levels and patterns.

We feel an eternal sense of being robbed when death occurs.

Which is odd if you think about it.

Something that is meant to be the most natural thing about life….as natural as being born, doesn’t quite feel right…doesn’t quite feel as though it fits.

Why do you think this is?

I think this is the case, because we were never meant for death.

Perhaps that’s a radical statement for you to hear, or perhaps it’s simply a reminder.

But here’s the cave.

He takes me back to the scene of the crime.

In order for the scene of the crime to never hold power over me.

It may seem painful and even sadistic at first.

But this is what he showed me before leading my heart into this place:

Isaiah 25:7-8 (TLB):

At that time he will remove the cloud of gloom, the pall of death that hangs over the earth; He will swallow up death forever. The Lord God will wipe away all tears and take away forever all insults and mockery against his land and people. The Lord has spoken—he will surely do it!

When God first whispered this to my spirit, it came in the form of a picture. I was out having my quiet time, and once I got still, I saw this picture of Jesus literally swallowing darkness – His mouth was the size of earth and the darkness was thick, but His mouth completely swallowed the flow of darkness.

This made me weep.

The scariest places that we are ourselves are afraid to go to, or are too afraid or prideful to express how fear choke holds us at night before we try and sleep.

But He went there, confronted, and defeated.

He WENT there.

  To your dark places. To my dark places.

To the misunderstood places.

The answers are not in us, but in Him first and foremost.

  That’s why abiding in His love is our life source.

“I can do nothing a part from the Father” – (John 5:19)

Love in community is powerful.

Love in submission to God is indestructible.

  Because true love never fails. It never dies.

  True authority in the heavenly realm---waiting for us, first laid out by the grace and love of God, also lies within our ability to abide, to rely on, to trust in, to get quiet with, to joyfully celebrate in, to dance with, to hope in, to confide in, to beseech of, and to listen to and look for God.

Do you remember the story of the blind man that was healed by Jesus?

The story in which Jesus spit in dirt, and rubbed the blind man’s eyes with it. And then sent him to a pool to go and cleanse his eyes in order to see.

  There are so many layers to this account, but what struck me years ago in hearing someone teach on this passage, was the fact of spit. Or rather, hearing the sound of someone spitting.

  This blind man may have heard spitting in a completely different context as he was known as a beggar and an outcast, basically considered cursed by certain cultural standards.

  I can only imagine what the sound of spitting may have sounded like to this blind man, as Jesus manifested a miracle in a very new and strange way.

But Jesus made the sound of spit anyway.

And the scene of the crime doesn’t end there…

This man was still blind until he walked to the pool and washed himself in it… (By prior instructions given to him by this strange Jesus fellow).

  This sounds a bit like a cave experience to me.

  But the story ends with this man being restored not only physically—being able to see for the first time in his life. But he was reinstated into community as well bringing healing to his heart emotionally.

And in the journey of going to the “pool” which happened to be a very specific fresh water pool, believed to be used by many ancient Jewish people partaking in a religious pilgrimage to the city--- showed the once-blind man, you are made whole in every way possible—even spiritually.

It’s not in avoiding the storm, the cave, or the pain that we rid ourselves of it. Although we may fool ourselves into believing that we are expert managers of our pain or have learned to control it…

  But no. It’s not in the avoiding.  It’s in the facing of it, head on—but  with Christ.

It’s in knowing that His presence is a real thing. Like more real than the breath you breathe.

  And that His love and goodness are just as real and tangible.

  It’s in knowing He’s already subdued every storm we will ever face and every adversary that will ever come up against us – And it’s in that confrontation that we actually become our true identity as overcomers.

He says walk this way, because I’ve already walked it.

  He says go this direction, because I’m already there.

  He tells me, Instead of going around the cave, let’s walk through it.

Because I’m already with you.

And I know how this will turn out in the end…

Wisdom’s Knocking:

 “Yea though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death:

I will fear no evil, for thou art with me…”

-Psalm 23:4a

All the Brave Boys

I come to you today to simply get something off my chest.

  Now granted, I’ve been watching the teen movie, “To All the Boys I’ve Loved Before”, all week long, and it’s got me in some sort of mood.

Like I want to be brave again.

  But also, I wanted to give context to what the men around me have been saying and doing.

Can I just say, that my favorite “line” thus far in 2018...said by a guy friend to me has been:

  “Girl, LOOK….. now don’t block your blessing…” As he slyly pointed to himself with a cheeky grin.

But I currently like the dynamic of our friendship. It’s lighthearted, fun, and low key.

Ahhh. Stop. I know what you’re thinking and where your mind is going---but nope. It’s not like that. Trust.

  And then there was this guy in college, who I for sure thought hated me. I mean, this boy would give me dirty looks, ignore me when I walked into a room, and would always try to avoid any type of eye contact or conversation with me.

  And of course this guy was extraordinarily handsome and all the girls effortlessly agreed.  #eyerolls

  And then one day, he had to drop something off at my dorm, I can’t remember if it was for one of my roommates or what.

  But what proceeded to happen…. had me SHOOK.

I straight up asked him, “Why in the world are you being so frosty to me? I’m seriously trying to figure out what I did wrong to you.”

  And then, like a scene out of “Love Actually”…

  He basically says, “Really? You don’t get it?”

  Now picture my face staring at him blankly.

  Um. Nope. I don’t get it?

  He then proceeds to tell me how beautiful he thinks I am, and how intelligent I am and how nervous he gets around me – and that it’s just easier to run than to face me.

UM.

EXCUSE YOU.

I’m SORRY. WHAT.

Is this even real life?

  Why yes.

Yes it is.

The hot jock is at my door telling this eccentric goofy girl he’s basically in love with her?

For the first time in a long time, I was speechless.

  Because,  number 1, I was not expecting that answer. And number 2, I was not expecting that answer.

I think I just kept mumbling, “Um thank you? Thank…….you….Thanks? I mean. Yes. Thank you.”

  We somehow awkwardly ended the conversation.  I wasn’t prepared to make out with him on the spot. I honestly had never thought of him in a romantic context, mainly because I thought he was a jerk.

  But months later, once I had time to process my heart and emotions towards him, he had already moved on, into a new relationship.

  Nevertheless, he and I remained good friends in college but drifted apart as the years went by.

  I bring up this memory, because it was probably one of the most beautiful, brave, and vulnerable acts, a man has dared towards my heart.

I know that sounds dramatic.

  But look, I’ve been watching a lot of teen movies lately. So this is what comes out…

  But seriously.

  Mr. Jock was so honest in that moment and he didn’t demand a response from me, nor did he try to veer me towards the response he wanted to hear.

He whole-heartedly took a risk. And was so kind to me in the delivery.

  I don’t think he premeditated his speech at all.

  In fact, I wasn’t meant to be home or actually open the door at all.

  It was all impromptu.

  What a beautiful brave man.

  Years ago, I had a hang out with a guy friend of mine, and we ended up talking all night long. Probably one of thee best conversations I’ve ever had with a guy. There was a spark, and maybe I’m delusional, but I’m almost positive he felt it too.

  And all I wanted was for him to be brave.

  We’ve remained friends to this day.

  But I sometimes wonder, what if he had been brave in that moment? How different would our lives be?

And yes, girls are brave too. Duh.

  But if you’ve been reading my blog for any length of time, you know my heart is to be pursued.

  I spend a majority of my life “producing”  via what I do for a living –

  Therefore, it would feel so incredibly special to me, to not fully initiate something on my own…or to “make someone love me”.

For me, there’s something about being pursued that feels like a warm blanket around my back on a cold winter’s day. It feels like rest to me.

  Plus, if you’re gonna be in a romantic relationship with me, you’re gonna have to have some “cojones”.

Yeah. I don’t know how else to put it…

  These are the traits I love in men:

 Humility

Confidence

Kindness

Bravery

So, if you have a crush on me, you have permission to tell me. 

Be vulnerable. Be brave. Be awkward. But SAY SOMETHING.

But if you’re not willing to be brave, let’s not fool ourselves. Stop having a crush on me. And end all your sentences towards me with “friend” and “sister”. (I need clear cut labels. Okay?)

Don’t leave cute ambiguous comments on my Instagram and feel free to not watch my life on social media--making me think you are potentially flirting with me.

Yes, I’m feisty and I’m vulnerable.

But you knew this already.

  In the end, I want us all to win.

  I don’t want us to simply choose what’s safe – because where’s the fun in that?

  I want us to never be afraid of adventures in God.

  And yes, maybe you’re just a boy standing in front of a girl…

  But I’m telling you, one act of bravery can change your entire life forever….And possibly for the better.

  But you’ll never know until you take that risk.

#Selah

So let’s be brave.

  Let’s have brave conversations.

And let’s choose to love in extravagant and ridiculously brave ways.

Now excuse me as I go back to watching the amazing screen chemistry of Noah Centineo and Lana Condor (To All the Boys I Loved Before). And smile at the swag and bravery, that a 20-something-year-old is currently teaching us all about once again…

Wisdom’s Knocking:

 "We dare be brave and suddenly we see 
That love costs all we are and will ever be. 
Yet it is only love which sets us free." 
~Maya Angelou

It Was All Yellow...

     I wasn’t quite sure how I would approach you today.

     Time has passed. So much time has passed. And I always struggle with how to gently lead you into my process.

     Because -- as we all know, process can be untidy, messy, beautiful, horrible but nevertheless always, always necessary.

     And I’ve dodged, bobbed and weaved (woven?) my way through writing this post, because I knew I was going to be honest.

     I still have a bit of trepidation, even after writing to you for over 10 years, but alas, here we are – and here I go…

     I remember the exact day I heard the song “Yellow” by Coldplay.

     I don’t even remember fully digesting the lyrics, but I first heard the song with the music video. And I was captivated. It all seemed to make sense.

     Like—that song made my life make sense.

     I know.

     That’s such a strange thing to say. But it was true for me.

     The mood and tone of the song carried this beautiful and sad longing, and yet, there was utter contentment, even in the midst of a reaching forward.

     It’s like when you see someone across the room, and they are so striking and intriguing. And yet, it’s not fully their look, but also their demeanor and the quiet stillness they posses.

     Within that moment, there are feelings of vulnerability, strength, love, adoration, admiration but mostly curiosity.

     I found myself last summer staring at someone in such a way as to not get caught.

     He reminded me of the song “Yellow”.

     And I thought to myself, isn’t it beautiful and wonderful that there are still unseen people on the planet that emerge at such a time in our lives, to simply show us that flowers still bloom.

     And then this year happened.

     I moved back to my hometown.

     And in certain ways, it felt as if everything was moving backwards.

     And then I thought, oh, this new guy is potentially pursing me – but rather beautifully friend zoned me. And I humbly curtseyed my way out of the room, and licked my wounds.

     And then the world seemed to fall apart:

     Violence, deaths, cries, shouts, injustice, ignorance, and a cloak of what could only be labeled as “a hopeless situation” according to all of our news outlets.

     And at the same time, we were all yearning for a little bit more tenderness.

     But the reprieve wouldn’t come just yet…

     In May, something seemingly random happened to me.

     My “permanent” retainer of 20 years on the lower portion of my teeth, popped out of place.

     The next day, I simply went to have it completely removed – although the orthodontist tried to convince me that my teeth would shift horribly, and that I should contemplate getting another retainer as soon as possible.

     But little did they know, I’m at the age where I think crooked teeth are hot and endearing. Sooo, there’s that.

     But the next morning, when I woke up, I felt extremely nauseous and had a bit of vertigo. It was such a strange feeling. Not like anything I had felt before. I immediately thought…”Hmm, I wonder if that was some heavy metal residue?....” But then I shook it off.  And the sensation faded after a few hours. I simply thought… “I guess that was it.”

     But fast forward to a normal Wednesday about a week and a half later, when I go to country line dance – Now if that statement comes as a surprise, let me say a quick hello and hi – Ha! And yes, I frequently country line dance. I know, I can barely believe it either – but I loves it and can’t imagine not doing it…but let us continue with the story...

     So as soon as I got into my favorite dance hall place, the right side of my body felt as though I couldn’t move it completely, and I was having a hard time articulating my words (more than normal…) – I thought I might've been dehydrated, so I ordered some water.

     The water helped, but the right side of my body still felt WEIRD. But I was stubborn, and I chose to dance anyway.

     I didn’t tell anyone that I was feeling like I might be having a stroke, instead-- my way of dealing with the scare and shock was to simply dance it out.

     I know, it sounds so stupid.

     It gets even dumber.

     I then ordered my cocktail favorite of a rum and ginger beer. I thought somehow that would calm me down. And it did. But my mind was still boggled. I kept thinking, what is going on with my body??

     I danced using my core to stabilize me, but it took so much concentration.

     But I didn’t pass out, and I took that as a victory.

     I was able to drive home and the next day I woke up, hoping that it was all some weird nightmare, but instead, my right leg and foot didn’t feel completely connected to my body. And then I began to have crazy muscle twitches all over my arms and legs.

     The whole time, I was thinking, “Wow, is this how it all ends…? I mean, is this going to be my story? And I never even got married or had sex…”

     Oh. Did that statement surprise you?

     If it didn’t, and you simply said, “Ohhhhh, Ha.Ha. that’s just classic Patrice…”

     Then you already know about my “Unicorn” post.

     If you have no idea what I mean by my “Unicorn” post – Pause this blog post right now and go here: T.M.I. 

     But back to our story at hand, so as I woke up that morning feeling stranger than ever, I tried to recount all of my movements, what I ate, who I was around, anything and everything to account for my right side acting like an outlander – and then I did what you are NEVER suppose to do when you have weird body symptoms: I Googled WebMD.

     NOPE. NOPE. NOPE.

     Please don’t do it.

     Public Service Announcement: Go to your own doc first, before jumping to any conclusions.

     I know you think I’m a pillar of faith and strength, but when your body starts doing things outside of your control, you learn where you faith truly is.

     And I was scared out of my mind.

     A good friend of mine convinced me to head over to my local urgent care facility to make sure, I didn’t have a small stroke.

     Now let me preface…

     The word that I felt impressed upon my spirit for 2018 was REST.

     It was a word I felt that God was speaking directly to my soul.

     And yet, prior to all this, I had turned 2018 into a high octane fuel machine, as I tried to figure out how to run a brand new small business, continue my television freelance work, volunteer, weekly dancing, trying to keep up a semblance of my friendships, and all that southern California commuting.

     Needless to say, I was working about 18 hours a day with little to no sleep and barely eating.

     And yet, our culture values the “Hustle”, but in the midst, God was constantly asking me to work from a place of REST.  I know, I see the irony in this as well.

     I want to make sure you see the full picture. Because before my body had this breakdown of sorts, my stress level was the highest it’s ever been, as I was putting pressure on myself beyond what I was meant to carry.

     Matthew 11:28 never sounded so good:

“Come to Me, all you who are weary…”

     And yet, I remember praying to God in this season, and crying out,

     “I don’t know how to stop. I just don’t know how to rest in the midst of what feels like purpose, mission, and calling. Show me how. I want to know how. Truly.”

     And then of course, I quickly continued going at the frantic pace I had been running at for so long.

     On the outside, you might not have known anything different.

     But my insides were churning. My neck and shoulders were as hard as rocks. And my mind was racing at night. It wasn’t a terrifying tension; believe it or not, I was full of excitement of all the ideas that I could possibly implement in my small business. And yet, I never turned it off. I never fully trusted that God would do the “above and beyond” portion and I could do the remainder in a peaceful and restful state. I felt invincible and had to charge ahead. Simultaneously, I also felt pretty darn autonomous and that I could somehow maintain this pace forever.

     And then my metal retainer popped.

     And here we are back into our previous story.

     I had lost control of my body.

     And everything felt out of control.

     And then my anxiety kicked up.

     I was partially afraid to go to urgent care, because I didn’t know if I was prepared for a bad report. 

     But I mustered up the little bit of courage I had left and went.

     Meanwhile, my mom was a rock. Before I left to go, she looked at me with her gentle eyes, smiled, and said, matter-of-factly, “I know you’re fine. You’re okay.” And went about her merry way.

     And all the tests proved that I was.

     I was fine.

     The current science said so.

     But I still felt weird. And my body still didn’t feel like my own.

     And nope, I hadn’t had a stroke. Thank God.

     And so then I went home.

     Full of temporary peace, but mostly anxiety.

     I had no real answers.

     And the right side of my body was still weak and weird.

     So I decided to Google my symptoms again.

     Just don’t ever do this.

     Please. For the sanity of yourself and all who love you.

     But I had a light bulb moment in the midst of my searching. And I forced myself to stop.

     I realized I was looking for “information” to give me peace and a sense of control. And that I was somehow starting to worship information.

     When in actuality, I needed an encounter and reassurance from the ultimate Prince of Peace: Jesus.

     The Fruit of the Spirit is: Love, Joy, Peace, Patience, Kindness, Goodness, Faithfulness, Gentleness, and Self-Control.  

     Rewind.

     Peace.

     And Who is the Word made flesh? Yes. Jesus.

     The one Who calmed the waves of a raging sea.

     “Peace, be still.”

     I needed something—No. Someone beyond the laws of nature to become real Peace to me.

     It’s funny what gets exposed when you have to slow down.

     Rushing had become a means to suppress the fears that I had brought into this new season:

     Would God truly be kind to me? How would I take care of my loved ones in the future? Why does the world seem so overwhelmed with pain and grief in this particular season of life? Why do I feel so helpless? God are you really there? Knowing about heaven, why am I still so afraid to die? And I don’t know if I’ve ever truly forgiven you God for taking my Dad to heaven before he could even meet my future husband…

BOOM.

Yeah.

That.

     In all my rushing and doing and trying to become a success, I was running away from these heavy weighted, crushing questions. And there would be no way that I could move forward in love, life, and vocation pulling these weights steadily behind me--by way of my heart and neck.

     To note, these revelations of my ‘rushing unrest’ have only just been revealed to me in the last week. But day by day, I would sense just a little bit more peace. Some days, I had to push a little to truly feel it. Other days, I just sulked and brooded.

     And yet, day by day, I was starting to feel somewhat safe again.

     I didn’t need to be in control to feel safe.

     That was God’s job.

     God in His presence among us. And in His presence:

     “It was all Yellow.”

     It took about a month for my body to return to being 100%. With incredible prayer from my spiritual fam bam, to the help of an amazing chiropractor/holistic doctor-- we’ve gone to the ‘foundation’ of my body to bring forth incredible healing.

     Starting from the foundation upwards.

     And doesn’t that just parallel much of my spiritual journey in this season?

     My foundation had been replaced and become faulty.

     And true to character, God wanted to ‘restore my soul’ – in essence, my foundation and what I was truly leaning on.

     In that month of recovery, my emotions were all over the place, but I learned to practice work from a place of rest: God’s designated rest for me.

     I had to take multiple breaks – rest, sleep, eat (more than once a day…). I know it sounds funny, but it was a humbling experience. Previously, I was used to being a steam roller. Pressing forward at any cost, and clearly wreaking havoc on my body.

     But as I continued to get real, raw, and humble towards God, He would meet me every time.

     For example:

     Last weekend, I was ‘randomly’ watching “Hour of Power”, which I don’t normally do, and they just happened to be in this beautiful series titled, “You are Beloved” – And what is the name of that particular teaching in that series that I start to watch?

     “You Don’t Need to Hurry” 

      But of course.

     Then I go to church, and what is the sermon about?

     How Jesus wasn’t in a hurry.

     And being alone with God.

     Even with such great purpose and mission. Jesus was focused, yet relaxed in his purpose. Often the disciples would panic about something important, and Jesus’ response was never dictated by their anxiety or the frantic rush of the moment.

     Often Jesus’ response would be ever-so-chill or He would change the subject. Which I actually think is hilarious. (Read Mark 1:35-39 and tell me that Jesus didn’t bob and weave, in responding to: “Everyone is looking for you!”)

     But even more so, observing the moments where Jesus would go away and pray in solitude.

     He always made time for that.

     Time.

     Time and space for Him to be alone with the Father.

     In this particular season of life, I’ve learned that God gives us all space.

     And in that space, we have the choice of either melting into it. Which involves a surrender and giving up of control (And often inconveniences us). Or we can fill it with our own manufactured peace – in my case, work and cupcakes and anything else with tons of sugar, for others, it’s a different type of addiction.

     I thought I was getting away with my current underlying mindset and thought life. But most of you are savvy enough to know that thoughts do actually hold a frequency and significant real estate (thank you, quantum physics), especially in our souls.

     And there were certain thought patterns that were holding me in bondage. I had no way of removing the shackles on my own. In fact, I didn’t even really know I was in bondage.

     And isn’t that just the way it is sometimes.

     We don’t even know.

     Until something happens.

     And then we’re like, “What the heck is happening? Why am I responding like this??”

     But God knows.

     And once we get still.

     Once.

     We.

     Get.

     Still.

     He brings His peace.

     And it is the very peace we’ve been looking for all along.

     Feels like Yellow.

     And as I continue to wrestle and surrender, and surrender and wrestle, I remember that flowers still bloom.

     That the sun still shines.

     And Love still exists.

     And just because things happen slowly, doesn’t mean they’re not happening at all.

     There is something to be said for a foundation that is slowly being poured and laid down with such focus and purpose.

     Only then can it hold the weight of many, many storms--  of many hearts, of many dreams, and of many years.

     The story is not over.

     I’m finding that a seemingly long drawn out walk across the beach, may prove to be more purposeful and life changing than one might be led to believe.

     It might just lead us back home.

     To the place of safety, purpose--and rest.

Wisdom’s Knocking:

“Your skin

Oh yeah, your skin and bones

Turn into something beautiful

You know, you know I love you so

You know I love you so”

- “Yellow”, Coldplay

Guest Post: "Love Changes Things..." - Vanessa Chandler

     I know! It's been ages and ages, since I've updated you on my heart and my life. A majority of my energies have been directed towards my new small company, “Together Good Co.” – I cannot wait to share more with you. It’s kind of a big deal to my heart.

     God’s placed some new dreams in me, and I’m definitely here for the new adventure!

     For those that have been breathing hope and support over me via comments or follows on Instagram or Facebook, I’m sending you BIG KISSES right now! Thank you for dreaming with me!

     And yes, I have a crush again. And no he doesn’t live anywhere near me *all the eye rolls* -- But yes, I’m still country line dancing (Hashtag Helps to take the edge off the aggression. Haha. But for realssss) and I’m happily single until someone I love tries to kiss me on the mouth—on purpose.

     But something happened this week.

     Actually something happened in our time a part – Where God whispered to my soul:

     “It’s not if…It’s When…”

     And I’ve been resting in that since the end of March.

     I spend time praying for you, for me----for us. Especially those of us who are in the 30+ age range. For those that have been on a faith journey and single with purpose, albeit confusing and painful at times---I’m realizing more and more how beautiful and purposeful it all can be.

     I’m also learning that God wastes no pain. No tears are wasted on His chest.

     I can’t remember when Vanessa and I actually met. But it was years ago through mutual friends in Redding, CA.

     I’ve been tracking with her and praying for her ever since--even though I don’t think we’ve actually seen each other in person, since we’ve met.

     This week, as Prince Harry marries the American actress, Meghan Markle, it all feels very significant and somehow personal to me.

     (And yes, I’ll be watching the royal wedding live. Congrats to my beautiful friend, Ayanna, who will be singing in the choir at the wedding!)

     As I began to feel anticipation and excitement about this week,  and encouragement in the way of romance, I miraculously stumbled across Vanessa’s latest status update – (And I say miraculously, because ya’ll know that these Facebook Algorithms are full of sabotage, and I barely get updates from people that are outside of the last 5 people that spoke to me online…but I digress...)

     And then I read her update.

     And then I cried.

     And then I CRIED.

     And then I cried some more.

     And then I asked her if I could share this with you.

     And she said yes.

     So here we are.

     I’ll leave a link to Vanessa’s website at the end of her guest post, if you’d like to see more of who she is. (P.S.: She is a total boss babe).

     This guest post will be part one.

     And she’s agreed to expand on this again later this year.

     So yes, there will be a part TWO.

     I honestly think that this is one of thee most important blog posts I’ve ever had on my website, and I DIDN’T EVEN WRITE IT. Ha!

     If you’re single and over 30 – First of all – YOU LOOK GOOD!

     As I like to say, “The Lord is preserving your sexy…”

     And lastly, let me know in the comments or reply back to this email (I SEE you my beloved blog subscribers!) with one “highlight sentence” that either encouraged you, rocked your world, or blessed you.

     And of course I’ll share with you my highlights in the comments.

     Here’s my little wisdom nugget:

Wisdom’s Knocking:

“Whether you think you can, or you think you can't--you're right.” – Henry Ford

     And without further ado, enjoy Vanessa Chandler’s, “Love Changes Things…”

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     If you would have asked me the goals and vision for my life five years ago at 34 years of age, I would have said, “Finish my first novel, create a successful company, travel, become a better journalist, be a positive catalyst for social justice through my writing ... and perhaps someday balance marriage and children IF I can still pursue my dreams and the man does not expect me to change who I am.”

     What a naive view. 

     Love does change things. What was I so afraid of? I did not understand that love fulfills ...

     The imaginings of childhood often fade as we get older. People inform us—from their own hurt—that we must not believe too much, hope too much. That fairy tales aren’t true and we need to be realistic about expectations. I think life does that all on its own. It doesn’t need our help to teach others about disappointment or pain.

     Where love was lost in childhood, where adulthood failed to meet expectations, where emotional heartache left a gaping chasm of need—love fulfills. And it goes a step beyond. A driving force in my life has been a need to prove that “I can and I will,” and to be significant. While I do believe that there is a God-given, healthy desire for significance, there is also a fine line between sanctified creativity and narcissism. It’s so easy for Creatives like me to become consumed with gaining attention or a platform under the guise of religious “spirituality” or for the good of all people.

     But love fulfills ... and strangely I’ve found that being emotionally fulfilled by romantic love has shifted my focus and killed my unhealthy drive to be known by the world and accomplished. I’ve slowly begun realize these past years that relationships are the most important thing to me. The glitter and temptation of filling your heart with other things fades away.

     I did not understand that love heals ...

     So many men have come and gone—friendships, crushes, dating. A bunch of “almosts,” “not quites,” “if only’s,” “perhaps,” and “Was I wrong to let him go’s?”

     A few of these experiences both in romantic and other forms of relationship, left me broken-hearted and afraid to risk my heart. But love heals ... Love is confident and it allows you to rest in its protective cradle of confidence. It surpasses all, sweeping past relationships to the side like a tidal wave of pure, liquid goodness.

     One thing I wish I had understood earlier in life is that this love has always been available to me through Jesus, but it took a tangible representation of His character, love, patience, kindness, long-suffering and goodness on earth for me to more fully grasp what love is. I know this is just the beginning of that understanding, and it’s breathtakingly beautiful.

     By now you are wondering who this “love of mine” is. But first I must give you context ...

     I had an experience one night of a full moon on the coast of Kenya when I was 17. I felt that God had created a man who would match me perfectly, yet I knew I’d have to wait for him. I never imagined that “waiting” meant 22 years and a full life of experience in joy and realized dreams, and also pain and heartache.

     With perfect timing an “and suddenly” came into my life unexpectedly in the form of an incredible man a little less than three months ago. Friends had arranged a party with the secret idea that we should meet ... I had zero expectation. He was just some “hot 36-year old German guy” who was visiting for a few months. 

     His name is Florian, which means “flowering.” I find that precisely accurate for how I feel—he is my flowering. It’s difficult to explain the many things I have grown to love about him, but he is incredibly intuitive about people, life situations and business. He enjoys going on adventures and being athletic like I do. His character is such that he’ll buy an album so music artists receive their dues, but then use Spotify. He seeks to honor, bless and spoil me daily by bringing me flowers, surprising me with an adventure, homemade lunch, dinner or dessert, asking how he can pray for me and support me, and things like deciding to take me to Rome this summer because I love art and history. (And yes, I’ll be in Germany for part of the summer!) As an engineer he likes to work with his hands and completely renovated his 100 year old historic home in Germany this past year.

     No one owns your story. Only you do. And by owning it, you take pride in it despite the sorrow that may have been along its path. This past year I processed whether or not I would be single the rest of my life, and whether I would ever be able to have children. I came to the conclusion that despite the disappointment, I would choose to be happy, never imagining that I would meet Florian just a few weeks later.

     To the women who are still waiting ... It’s never too late. Don’t settle for someone that is not perfect for you or whom you doubt. Don’t be afraid to let someone go if you’re not sure, or because you feel like you’re getting older. God will restore all that has been lost in your past, and give you more than you’ve prayed, ached and cried out for over the years.

     I have begun a new and glorious chapter in the pages of life that is far superior than I had imagined. Each and every day with Florian has left me in wonder as I learn more and more about him, and fall more in love with him. I often cry out of thankfulness for who he is and that he loves me too ... It’s worth the wait. It’s so much better than you can imagine! As a 39 year old woman, I am witness to this.

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To learn more about Vanessa Chandler: http://redarrowmedia.com/team