I was worried that I wouldn’t have any fuel to bring, as I sat down to write to you.
But in perfect fashion, life happened.
I called a guy…like I called a guy…something I haven’t done in years.
I felt that small knot of nervousness in my gut.
And why?
It wasn’t event meant to be that serious.
But I’m trying to remain tender and open…even though, if you’ve read my latest blog post, The Caleb Blessing, you know that I’m in no way looking for a relationship anytime soon.
But somehow, 2019 was the year that every GORGEOUS man decided to come out of the wood work and holla at me.
I was like:
Who me?
I wanted to yell at the top of my lungs…”I’ve been here for YEARS….where have YOU been??”
But timing and life are a tricky business.
And knowing that I have to wait to experience something lasting and good doesn’t make it any easier.
Meaning, the waiting doesn’t always come easy for me…
So the phone kept ringing.
I cleared my throat with each ring.
Practiced how I would say hello in a naturally sounding way.
The knot in my gut got a little tighter.
I felt my vulnerability.
And it felt scary to hope.
The phone rang one last time.
And then it went straight to a non-descript voicemail.
Which then triggered an old teenage wound.
Where a guy I fancied and thought profoundly handsome at a mall, was kind enough to give me his number, leaving the ball in my court.
I didn’t pay close enough attention to him and his buddy gently chuckling as they walked away from me.
And so later that night I went to call him on the phone.
So excited.
Like the most I think I’ve ever been excited about anything to do this day.
Teenage hormones are a funny and wild thing.
And before the phone could ring, I heard a strange beeping noise – and a kind robotic lady stating:
“The number you have dialed is not in service…”
And she kept repeating it over and over again.
I was stunned.
I heard stories about this…and thought it was funny when it happened to someone else.
But here I was.
And I felt stupid and embarrassed.
And all of that hope and excitement morphed, with an underground fierceness, into something much more cruel: a nagging feeling that I wasn’t enough.
I would later spend years running from that cunning voice and find subtle ways to numb the pain of it.
In my case, it was by means of staying busy. Always staying busy. Being productive. Getting results. Meeting goals.
Because if I could show that I can do things….lots of things…then it would be proving something to you and I….
Proving that I’m worth knowing.
Worth investing in.
Worth spending time with.
Worth risking for.
Worth loving.
Worth an answered call.
But in my 30s, I’ve learned to rest.
And yes, I’m still learning. But I have a foundation of rest that I didn’t have before.
And God has ever so gently reminded me on the journey, that I’m full of inherent worth and beauty.
As I know He’s doing the same for you.
The whispers are there.
Often, we just have to get still enough to hear Him say them to our hearts.
And I wish he’d picked up the phone.
But perhaps it was better that he didn’t.
Tonight’s call felt like a chess move of sorts. With the true implications playing out in profound and purposeful ways for our separate journeys, blessing and teaching he and I both for the future.
But solidifying something in my heart that I was meant to let the idea of him go…
And so now I listen to the hints.
I used to not listen to the hints.
And when I didn’t…that would turn into a big greasy mess coupled with me crying in shame for days on end.
So how did I get into this predicament once again…?
I can tell you how….
Because someone handsome said something kind to me over and over again, and I saw a good heart -- of which I wanted to then bond with immediately.
Patience is NOT my strong suit.
Where friendship thrives (or barely begins in my case…), I often prematurely want to step into something more, without looking at the full story.
But those other chapters are incredibly meaningful. And shed light on a person’s motivation and current outlook on life.
Our heart’s intentions often start off good and well….but the fervor in which our true passions begin to surface often scares even us.
Because we I so badly don't want to be alone.
I mean, we’re surrounded by people daily, and yet, we feel estranged somehow. And we know inherently that this isn’t the way it’s suppose to be.
And yet, I do love my sense of autonomy. I’ve perfected the art of being alone. Growing up as an only child, I cherished being in my house alone, enveloped by a foreign film or a great album (which I still love to do to this day).
But there’s still that longing.
To be held.
To be pursued.
To be seen.
He might have broken my heart for a gentle moment.
But it made a crack in order for the river to flow once again.
And in this river is Life.
Redemption is always ever so close.
Always.
For you.
And for me.
Humility and tears tend to draw the closeness of God.
He’s with the brokenhearted.
Always.
And yes, waiting is hard.
And the healing process often starts with pain.
But in order for an oak tree to grow from being an acorn, it has to break ground first.
It’s the path to something steady, beautiful, and full of legacy…something that will outlive us—and isn’t that what our hearts are after?
Do you know what I’m feeling regarding this brand new year?
I have a strong sense of integration.
I’ve felt a bit scattered over these last couple of years.
Writing my heart to you in a personal blog.
While also writing business blogs for my own company.
I felt stretched and not fully present to you.
But this year, I’m integrating both sides of my heart to share with you.
It’s time.
And in all the ways that we feel scattered, I feel as though God is collecting our pieces together. The struggle, the pain, the lost things, and the beauty. -- And with those things, integrating it all into a beautiful, complete and whole tapestry.
A tapestry that feels like true home.
So welcome to the new.
You are loved.
And redemption lives here.
And to my future husband, I cannot wait to hold you.
To hear how your day was.
To feel your breath on my cheek and close to my ear.
To laugh at your corny jokes.
To believe with you for our impossible dreams to unfold.
And to hear you say my name in the middle of a prayer.
I cannot wait.
But I will.
Because I know that you’re worth it—perhaps more than you realize right now.
And the beautiful thing is….I’m worth it too.
So here’s to the new integrated road ahead, full of big adventure, miraculous love, and tender revelations, leading us all ever so profoundly back—back to a true place called home.
Wisdom’s Knocking:
“One by one the lights emerged
Fluttering like fireflies
Reminding of the path home
Even for the ones
Who lost their way long ago”
― Maria Lehtman, The Dreaming Doors: Through the Soul Gateways
To read more of my company blogs: www.togethergoodco.com/blog