Within the last few weeks, I feel as though my perspective of people, or more specifically my perception of relationships has been drastically altered, as well as the narratives that we connect to romance.
Since my last blog post, I’ve been encountered by folks on both sides of the party lines. The group that is disillusioned and tired by romance and most definitely indifferent if not completely turned off by marriage vs. The group that is full steam ahead with all things romance and ready for marriage at the drop of a hat.
The words of intended encouragement from both camps were given through their particular filter and I was left with a great deal to ponder.
Meanwhile…
Ever since I can remember, I’ve always ascribed to the motto, “You never know what people do behind closed doors.” But wow. The truth of that phrase is hitting home in a surprisingly fresh way.
The narrative of which we are told or often sold -- not only by media, but also by our peers, is rarely ever the full story.
And even though I’ve spent years being a youth pastor and hearing the wildest stories imaginable, my heart still breaks to hear when one of my admired counterparts has an unraveling of sorts. The secrets are exposed and we are all left wide-eyed.
And such was the case in these last few weeks. Relationships and marriages that I held in such high esteem began to come crumbling down.
And although I was wide-eyed, I wasn’t completely surprised.
Isn’t that crazy?
Because somehow I knew---but I didn’t know---but I knew…
Because in our gut or as I like to say, our Holy Spirit meter, we can feel when something is off—isn’t quite matching up. Pay attention to that. Please.
After I wrote my last blog post, “Genesis” – my ghoster so conveniently texted me, once he “got back into town”.
I didn’t feel the need to respond. I was still wrestling with my wounds and heartbreak. I wanted to punch him and kiss him all at the same time.
So any type of quick response would have been confused and disingenuous.
Because the fact remained, I couldn’t fall all the way in love. And I knew it. I knew it in my gut.
There’s a point where you have to weigh the attraction, charisma, swag, etc. against the character they are showing you.
Because as you know, “When someone shows you who they are believe them…” **
Days later, I bumped into my ghoster at the place I normally dance at.
He acted weird. I acted weird. We talked to try and clear the air. He tried to play the role of boyfriend for about 45 minutes (Forehead kisses, etc…) but I declined.
I would later find out from a guy friend of mine that my ghoster was found practically making out with my friend’s date at another dance club…..just the night before.
Okay. What?
Oh, and previously unknown to me, my ghoster is still technically married…
Umm, well that escalated quickly.
And of course, gave me all the answers I needed.
When I later confronted my ghoster, he slammed back with the worst kind of defense, and admitted his own guilt.
“When someone shows you who they are believe them; the first time.”
I had painted a picture of a narrative in my head of which I was rooting for ‘us’---but he was clearly not rooting for me. But instead, my ghoster was setting me up for failure.
I felt embarrassed and played--ambushed and now somehow left like an orphan with my own heart to deal with.
I wanted to will my seared pride and broken heart to wholeness just days after this all erupted. But as you know, it doesn’t quite work like that.
I was frustrated with myself and the situation.
And I stewed in my own mix of sour emotions for weeks.
It was hard to not give into the temptation of numbness. Or the cyclical “why” question.
But my desire for healing and the ability to move on and grow in a healthy way, continued to persist.
I shared my heartache with trusted mentors and they gave me invaluable insight and wisdom. Confirming what I had felt in my gut all along: That the quick exposure of my ghoster’s character was in fact, protection for me-- albeit painful.
In the end, saving me from being caught up or stuck in a false narrative for 20+ years. Instead, my faux romance unraveled in less than a month.
“As for you, you meant evil against me, but God meant it for good…” – Genesis 15:20
And on a Sunday morning, three incredible women of prayer that I admire and love in my church took the time to pray for me, cover me, release healing over me, and stir up hope.
God bless the broken road…
It’s so hard to not become brittle.
Heartbreak, no matter how long or short the relationship, is brutal--don’t let anyone convince you otherwise. And Disappointment, it’s cousin, is also a kicker.
If you’ve felt like I have--that God has somehow let you down, or that you can’t believe in good things happening to you, just know: It’s not the end of the story.
Our God is good.
He truly is a good Father.
I know from personal experience.
And I’m banking on His track record of faithfulness to me.
And I know He can do the same for you.
My last post reflected on ‘beginnings’ and their often messy nature.
But what I’m learning about my current season of life is that it is much like an ‘Exodus’- a coming out of and into something unfamiliar, miraculous, and extraordinary.
Showing me that my beloved and long awaited promised land is that much closer…
Wisdom’s Knocking:
“All the hardest, coldest people you meet were once as soft as water.
And that's the tragedy of living.”
―Iain Thomas/pleasefindthis, “I Wrote This For You”
**Credit: Maya Angelou - "When someone shows you who they are believe them; the first time.” (emphasis mine)