Photo Credit: Bethany Mossburg
Sometimes the mood of a song, not the lyrics themselves, captures the very expression of your heart. About a week ago, around the same time I hit Proverbs 6, is when I discovered this song.
And now, in the emotional place of processing that I'm in, the mood of this song makes more sense than ever before.
There's a longing. There's pain. There's confusion. There's a sparkle of hope. There's disappointment. All wrapped into something scarily beautiful.
If you were to put your ear to my chest, this is how my heart would sound right now:
When you see yourself. Truly. Something happens. It was an ordinary morning, and I opened my Bible. I was groggy, but I still forced myself to be present. I read. And I read some more. Proverbs 6:1. Then Proverbs 6:2. And routinely, I hit the next verse, and the next. Then I got to it.
Verse 34 of Proverbs 6.
"For jealousy detonates rage in a cheated husband." But my eyes only focused on "For jealousy detonates rage..."
It hit me like lightening. And I started weeping. At first I had no idea why I was crying. But allowed myself to cry. And since I was busy crying, my mouth wasn't concerned with talking, but my ears were forced to listen. And when I did listen, it became painfully obvious that I had been trudging through jealousy almost my entire life. I had almost fooled everyone--including myself.
My jealousy had been hiding, all these years. I had figured my performance in being a giving person would overshadow the pain of jealousy and hope deferred.
But in the deep crevices of my heart while I stood in other people's weddings, celebrated new love, new promotion, dreams being fulfilled, I had allowed jealousy to begin to define me in the most subtle of ways. And in essence choking out freedom, the freedom to dream for the impossible, the freedom to truly, truly, truly know that I am enough and I that I am loved and significant.
You know how some people you meet seem to have a chip on their shoulder. Well, my chip wasn't on my shoulder, it was under my skin. Which of course, makes it easier to hide anger, but the sting and pain still has the ability to erupt in the most inopportune times.
As I sat with Proverbs 6:34, I saw myself. I had once been cheated on in a relationship. So I understand this verse with a truly tender heart. And I know many of you do as well.
In the back of your mind, you are always wondering if you are enough, and in the hopes of always receiving a positive answer to that question, you often times over perform to gain people's time, affection, affirmation, etc... Key word being: Perform. But then we resent the performance. The performance we felt forced into, because Jealousy two-timed us with Contempt.
I'll be honest with you, I haven't been in a relationship in over 10 years. On purpose. Partially because I couldn't trust a man. And partially because I couldn't trust myself. Somehow I thought I was protecting my heart, but now I realize that pain of being cheated on provoked Jealousy towards "the other woman" (and subsequently other women in general), and Jealousy had truly enraged me to the point of numbness, apathy, and fear in certain areas of my life.
How easily is anger detonated in you? You may not be a screamer or a puncher, but you may still fester with anger. Believe me. I know.
But God in His tenderness, didn't leave me just with the revelation of who I was or had been in the reflection of Proverbs. He began to show me something else...Which would then prepare me to face one of my seemingly biggest disappointments (and confusing) moments of 2012...
Wisdom's Knocking:
"God is the God of promise. He keeps His word, even when that seems impossible; even when the circumstances seem to point to the opposite."
-Colin Urquhart