This past week, it's been hard to believe for my own happily ever after.
Not only has it been difficult, but any time I start sharing about where my heart is regarding romance, I start to get hot all over--not the good kind. And my upper lip starts to gently quiver, and my throat starts to get awkwardly tight.
In an effort to not give myself away, I try to talk slower and with clarity. But the slowness only gives my eyes a chance to get properly watery--
And then I just have to shut it down--the conversation about my romance, and the waiting, and the expectation these past 15 years--nope, it's too much.
"They said if I would wait as if I was not expecting anything to happen, you would arrive..." {excerpt from "Where Are You?" by Rachel Gunn}
And then well meaning people, family, the random co-worker, simply give their best shot at encouragement.
This could be your year. Don't look for perfection--he could be right under your nose, perhaps even a 'diamond in the rough'.
And how is that exactly encouraging? I simply want him in my arms. Not in the future or presented as a project of which I have the privilege of putting in more work than the average girl.
So what do I do when I feel completely hopeless about my romantic future?
First things first. I go to the source of hope:
"May the God of your hope so fill with you all joy and peace in believing (through the experience of your faith), that by the power of the Holy Spirit you may abound and be overflowing (bubbling over) with hope." -- Romans 15:13 (Amplified translation)
I can't muster up fake joy and hope at this stage of the game, let alone the real thing--and I don't have to.
I'm quite aware of when my 'positive thinking' ends, and when God's supernatural hope and joy begins. And I ask Him in prayer to meet me, where I lack full joy, peace, and hope.
Meanwhile, my frustrations, my resentments, my fears may flare up, but I know that they are like dry brush, ready to be consumed by the fire of hope and love by an incredible God in any given moment.
I found myself this weekend, on a retreat with God. I wanted to hide from Him. Put the fig leaves on, like Adam and Eve. But He's too clever for that. He's my one weakness.
And at this retreat center, they had a charming gift shop.
Why did I buy a book titled, "Praying for Your Future Husband"?
Well, I did.
When I first saw the book, I wanted to make fun of it. Simply because of the pain in my own heart.
I had been praying for my future children since I was 15 years old, and I started praying for my future husband off and on since the age of 18.
But then I skimmed the book casually.
"The place to start praying for your future husband is in the garden of his heart. What do you want to be growing there when you meet him?"...
CUT TO: Me at the cash register buying this book.
So what the target audience for this book is teenage girls. The two women authors were dropping wisdom bombs, and I wanted in on the action.
Even though it was painful going back into this territory, I knew it wasn't my own dead hope spurring this on, but the hope that God had placed in me.
Mix me devouring that book in a matter of a few days and my recent binge on British costume period dramas ("Lark Rise to Candleford"!), I've once again stumbled across the those things that truly make my heart happy.
I'm believing once again for a dashing British man, full of hotness, humor, passion for Jesus, and culinary skills for days. Or simply perhaps, the most amazing man that God could have ever fashioned for me in an unexpected package...But a British accent never hurt nobody.
I'm not giving up on my romantic hopes, and don't you dare give up on yours.
Wisdom's Knocking:
"May the God of your hope so fill with you all joy and peace in believing
(through the experience of your faith), that by the power of the Holy Spirit
you may abound and be overflowing (bubbling over) with hope."
-- Romans 15:13 (Amplified translation)