I've been put into an interesting position of sorts.
Independently dependent.
Driving to me has always equaled autonomy and freedom.
But recently, I've had the inconvenient luxury of having my car breakdown twice in the last few weeks. Leaving me carless for days at a time.
But this loss of sorts has allowed for a beautiful sense of renewed independence. I'm no longer obligated to be here and there according to the whims of others or even my own whims. And at the same time, I'm humbled.
I strangely feel like a kid again.
As you know, God has been inviting me to rest in this season. To give rest and peace to my mind, my body, and my 2014 outcomes.
But how does one rest in the midst of wrestling with disappointment and pain?
To be more specific, what's it like being single during the holidays? Many of you already know, but for those that don't know or remember what it's like to be single this time of year, let me give you a quick debrief:
Being single during the holidays is conflicting at best.
Yes, I've accomplished goals, I have great family and friends, I've been a champion of sorts in my own life and for others, I make adventure a weekly, if not daily habit, but yet, among the many wins and grateful heart, there's still what feels to be an in-your-face, gaping loss. There's a hole of sorts.
For someone like me, who is not only in love with the wedding, but marriage itself, and beyond that--a legacy. To be withheld the very thing you feel called to as human, is heartbreaking and aching to say the least.
And yet, we continue on.
We write, we design, we dance, we sing, we construct, we put in long hours, we pray.
Many of us brave and beautiful 21st century single people are ready and willing to love you with our whole heart when we see you. We are ready to find new things to explore, to step out alone in our respective roads of dreams and destiny, we are ready to encourage you in your own promised land, and we wield hope as our weapon of choice.
Yet inasmuch as one tries to deny it with the activities of a purpose driven life, there's still pain in that place of our hearts that is hoping to hold the hand of the one we love, cherish, and honor solely. The one in which new traditions are intricately and profoundly made.
The road for us brave single folk, especially during the holidays, tends to get very suspect during the holidays.
With that said, you'll not be surprised to know that I literally broke down crying in a restaurant yesterday with one of my good friends.
Like snot-and-tears-crying in a respectable establishment. I cried in my friends arms unashamed for a good few minutes. (Clearly I've found a new level of freedom by forgoing my pride.) And then she began to speak life over me.
You see, this whole business of "Letting Him Live" (the small man crush I acquired but am now letting go of...and giving it over to God) and remaining hopeful regarding my own love story does take its toll at the most inconvenient of times. #restaurantbreakdowns
Instead of feeling restful in this season, I've felt whip-lashed and wrung out. I couldn't hold it in anymore. And no one quite understands the pain I'm talking about unless you have been single for quite some time or recently had your heart broken.
Someone I respect stated that waiting on God to bring about our "One", is one of the hardest things that we will ever do. Because we are believing God to do something so profound and something we have never seen Him do in our lives ever before and hopefully doesn't need to do again (#butreallythough).
And so here I am, submitting to the wait.
Being independent by choosing to be dependent on God.
I know that God is not cruel, and hasn't placed a desire in our hearts for love and romance with plans to withhold it forever.
God's track record with me and my life, proves that He is not just a promise maker, but God is also promise Keeper.
And tonight, I'm feeling freedom in the most vulnerable of ways.
I'm reminded that I don't control everything, even in an array of opportunities I may create, I on a daily basis must be willing to let go, and let God.
Independence to me in this holiday season, simply means Trust.
The one thing that God asked me to do in this season (especially regarding love and romance) was simply to believe.
So as I believe for my love story, I'm also believing for yours.
Love is not a finite resource.
Even if you're married, have found "the One", or are still waiting, the well of love has not been exhausted for you.
And I pray that this holiday season, you gain a new sense of independence.
The type of independence that reminds you of being a kid again--in the best sense.
That time in our lives when we weren't called to worry over every detail and its manifestation, but to simply live believing we are loved and will always be taken care of ---even the weightier matters of our hearts being taken care of--always.
Wisdom's Knocking:
"And they were bringing even their babies to Him so that He would touch them, but when the disciples saw it, they began rebuking them. But Jesus called for them, saying, “Permit the children to come to Me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of God belongs to such as these. Truly I say to you, whoever does not receive the kingdom of God like a child will not enter it at all.”
Luke 18:15-17 (NASB)