And here we are. It’s been too long since I’ve written to you, but in our usual fashion, I’ll start somewhere in the middle, loop back to the beginning and perhaps end somewhere close to the present.
But I’m choosing to let you in again. Close to this space near my heart.
This year wasn’t what any of us expected. At the beginning of the year, I was hunkering down to have one of the busiest years of my professional TV production career.
And I LIKE busy. I LOVE it.
It helps me to not think of all the other things…the pressing things, the painful things, all the things I’ve been waiting for…. the unfinished things…
And I just knew going into this year, that it was simply going to be me and God. No more “almost’s”, no more “crushes”, no more aching after unrequited love and feeling embarrassed because of all the lost time.
I purposely took a multi-day solo train trip for my birthday weekend around the beginning of this year. And it was glorious.
It marked a fresh new season with God and I.
I felt so strong and free stepping into this new season. My heart was prepared to wait for all the things that God had promised.
Many of you are familiar with my previous blog post and my heart to be married. And mostly, how my whole entire timeline was demolished 10x times over within the last decade (See: The Caleb Blessing).
I was wrestling with my age, my seeming career setbacks and other steps backwards. But as much as I felt the pressure, I still had real hope that God’s promises to my heart for an epic love story were true and valid.
It would just take time.
But I never saw 2020 coming.
I was prepared to absolutely be invisible in the realm of love and romance. In fact, that’s my favorite go-to. I also think it’s partly why I purposely chose a career involving “Behind the Scenes” rather than in front of the camera.
But if I’m honest, I was wounded and hurt in specific scenarios in my younger years, and shied away from being “in front” of anything later on in life. But my inclination to step outside my comfort zones, coupled with the desire to authentically connect with people, and always up for a big vision or dream — collided with me consistently being in “opportune places at opportune times”… and I would find myself reluctantly leading or somehow in the front of the action.
But on the whole, I embraced my season of hiddenness.
I also think God was working on my ego in a real and much needed way during that time.
A beautiful stripping away of pride and false humility.
So I was prepared to be invisible this year in the eyes of men.
But wouldn’t you know it, I’ve been approached by more sincere, beautiful men this year than in the last 5 years combined! It’s been THEEE strangest thing.
But I’m an expert at putting up walls and keeping them up. I’ve been friend-zoned so many times that I have a cute neon yellow vest to let us both know, “It ain’t happenin’, Jack!”
So it’s my constant go-to move – even with the guys that show a genuine interest in me.
I put out both my proverbial hands in an act of creating space, giving all the high-fives, calling them “Dude”, “Bud” or “Bro” at least a million times to reinforce every wall I’ve ever built around my semi-sturdy castle.
Because if that space isn’t filled with my neon yellow vest and my strategic verbal acrobatics, then the door opens, and I find myself falling hard…and fast.
Now granted, I’ve had a lot of training in this area. I am no beginner.
This is definitely not my first rodeo.
But I literally felt as if this year was rapid fire beautiful dudes in my face who were simply trying to be kind. But mix that with the tangible cultural loneliness of 2020 and my lack of successfully being “busy”…
I meannnn, I did try and stay busy…I started a podcast, built a brand new curriculum and hosted a month-long workshop for small business owners, became a podcast guest for others, created an online community for faith-based small business owners, cleaned my house, rearranged my house, watched my favorite 80s movies, ate food, rearranged my house again, and made a ton of silly online videos…
But it still wasn’t busy enough for me. (Shout out to all the Enneagram 3s out there – Ha!)
So when new guys literally started sliding into my DMs, or giving me really good eye contact, I felt open and vulnerable.
But then, all of a sudden, my thoughts of self-sabotage came marching in. It was no longer the neon yellow vest that was the problem, it was this weird helmet I was putting over my own head.
It was a helmet I honestly hadn’t seen in years. But was first given to me in high school.
In the full post, I shared about the story of how my crush at the time, a White guy, told me he could never reciprocate feelings towards me, nor did he want to, because I was a Black girl. It was the first time I had ever heard anything like that. And I was legit shook.
Confused. Surprised. But mostly shooketh.
In the recent sharing of this story, I felt no hurt or bitterness towards that guy who said those things to me. I’ve long forgiven him and the situation. And I wish nothing but continued blessing on him and his entire family. God has been so kind to me (and you) — and I can’t withhold love and kindness – not even in this scenario.
But what was planted in that season was this weird sense of being “2nd Place”.
I’ve always had this fear that I wouldn't be chosen.
Like ever.
And the one time that I was temporarily chosen…he happened to cheat in a very “Maury Povich Show” dramatic type of way…another story for another day. But this guy is also forgiven – seriously. I have nothing but blessings to say over him and his family as well.
But that’s why this whole romance situation has been so ….how do you say…a bit cray cray for me.
But I found a loophole…
I could be chosen for what I “do”.
Because I’m good at what I “do”.
So I poured myself into that for years.
And people would pat me on the back, and tell me what a great job I did.
And men would compliment my work ethic.
But not necessarily my heart or my appearance.
And the true question was still underlying…
Could I be chosen for me? Just for me….for who I am. And would he find me attractive?
Now over the years, I’ve had the pleasure of lovely gentlemen…let’s just call them the “Jeromey-Rome’s”…Who’ve said some flirtatious (borderline crazyyyy…) things to me or said something about my body in an attempt to compliment me. Ha!
But for the record: Ya girl knows what she’s workin with. And yes, I would still feel cute at 40, even if the Jeromy-Rome’s didn’t compliment me…
But what I find myself doing with this helmet though – the one that helps to cover my face…and especially my eyes… is that it helps me to put myself in second place…
“But there’s someone hotter you could be with….”
“I’m a lot to handle…”
“There’s someone younger you’d rather be with…” (Because why is almost every dude who’s tried to holler at me recently — like 10+ years younger than me?? #notevenmadbro)
PLUS…these new guys are also working against my 2023 timeline. A year I felt God whisper to my heart in regards to my love story.
I don’t want to let anyone in until then. But I want to let someone in before then.
Yes. I know.
Not confusing at all.
I started to feel, midway through this year, that I was just watching everyone else have a birthday party parade around me and somehow my parents forgot about me and forgot that it was my birthday altogether. #Hello16Candles
What I thought was meant to be a “Joyful Adventure with God” season, was feeling more like a “Probation and Punishment” season.
How do you navigate the now and not yet. The good thing you know is coming… or might even be here…but it’s not time for it yet.
So yep….I’m throwing all my toddler tantrums right now.
Because as I cry out for the Lord to stop sending beautiful, kind men my way, and as I scream that I just want to be left alone…the truth is, I just want to be cuddled…
So I ask God, “What’s my next move? What great word of encouragement do you have for me, as I’m clearly an emotional wreck right now??”
And He only whispers one word to me:
“Wait.”
UM……..Was that supposed to be comforting??
Because yeah…..not quiiiite what I was going for……
And so I ask again, in case God gave me a mixed signal or something.
And I hear it again:
“Wait.”
And then I go rewatch the teen movie: “To All the Boys I’ve Loved Before” – because I now need to go and “do” something….
And I cry a little too hard when I hear the line, “You were never second best…” in one of the movie’s classic scenes.
Because here’s the thing.
You and I were never second best.
We were never second best in God’s plan.
You were specifically made and chosen.
And like your fingerprint, you leave a mark on someone’s soul like no one else can or ever will on this planet earth.
The space between you and God is as expansive as the universe, yet as close and intimate as the breath in your lungs.
And in that space, it would be advantageous of you to know and experience the chosen intention of God for your own heart, your life, your purpose, and your love story.
God knows your name.
God loves saying your name.
And when He does. He smiles.
And so I realized…
We’ve not been forgotten.
We’ve been chosen by Love itself.
1st Place.
Often, I not only want to be chosen, but I want to do the choosing.
But there’s something to remember in choosing…I have to remove my helmet.
I have to let you see my eyes.
And what does that mean of my 2023 timeline?
Honestly…I don’t know.
But I’m still in a posture of waiting…
Because what I think might be true of my man — the one who I’ve been waiting for this whole time – is that he will not only know how to see my eyes, but he won’t have me put on a ridiculous neon yellow vest…nor will I hide behind my walls of performance and self preservation.
Because in the end, we’ll both know, that we’ve been undoubtedly, utterly, and lovingly Chosen.
Wisdom’s Knocking:
“You did not choose Me, but I chose you and appointed you that you should go and bear fruit and that your fruit should abide, so that whatever you ask the Father in my name, he may give it to you.”
John 15:16 (ESV)