Yep, that was an exact quote from my mouth.
And I’m pretty sure that if you search through all my blog posts here you’ll find that phrase popping up several times... 🙃
Recently, I saw the “I Don’t ‘Date’” language appear online. Ironically enough it was on someone’s online dating profile...Go figure. As well as seeing that language on a friend’s social media feed this past week.
And I was like...Ohhhh yeahhh, I know you. I know those words quite well. Long time no see my sweet, sweet friend.
It’s been about 15 years since I’ve been writing to you in this blog --I know. I can barely believe it either.
But throughout that time, I’ve had trusted friends, pastors, mentors, church leaders, work peers, and incredible parents who love God, encouraging me in the ways of healthy relationships, every step of the way. My tribe has also helped me navigate “The Wait”, “Situationships”, and so much more.
And to you! You’ve been here too. Thank you for sticking with me in this crazy romance adventure of mine.
Alongside silently documenting every relationship story I’ve ever come across (in order to gain wisdom and insight) I’ve also prayed my way through some treacherous and hopeless looking situations.
And yet, God’s goodness found me and rescued me every single time. Every. TIME.
So last year, after a painful sense of defeat, I began a new adventure of self reflection, prayer, and relationship coaching.
And as you already know, those 3 things changed my life once again.
While in the throes of being relationship coached, I was challenged by my community and our lead coach to step out into the world of...DATING.
AHHHHH!
What.
Really. Dating?!
But listen, I had invested a significant amount of money into this coaching program -- and also towards the healing of my own heart, and you better believe I was going to get my money’s worth….even if it involved me stepping outside of my current comfort zone.
Now mind you, I wasn’t going to go against my “peace” - that peaceful presence within me (thank you Holy Spirit!) that continually lets me know if something is awry or amiss. But I also wasn’t going to be bound by fear in any area. Nope. Not today.
I’ve spent too many years living under the chokehold of fear...and I was not haven’t it. No ma'am.
So I was simply gonna jump.
And like a little kid, I was going to trust that my Dad would catch me regardless of how high and far I jumped..
But first, I had to delve into some real-deal-Holyfield questions before truly giving an honest go at dating.
If I was going to do this thing, I didn’t want to do it half baked in any way. Again, do it sincerely -- or just don’t do it at all. Plus, the prayerful investment that I had made towards my own heart with God was significant….and I began to hear a sweet whisper in my spirit: ...”Don’t be afraid and don’t ‘phone this in’......”
But why exactly was the “D” word such a weighted thing for me?
Did I assume and judge the heart posture and mindset of folks right off the bat…?
Did I assume that they weren’t serious or intentional if they chose to date?..Or if they chose to date multiple people before finding their person?
Was I fearful of being played?
Was I fearful of men?
Was I looking for some sort of savior/Prince Charming and Perfect instead of a real man with flaws, vulnerabilities and a real heart and soul to do good?
Was I afraid of marrying the wrong person - like somehow my “Picker” was ruined, because I picked some real “Winners” in the past (We’re not just talking about guy friends, but lady friends as well)?
Let me just make the answer to this pop quiz super easy. The answer is YES to all of the statements above. #carryon
So therefore, my undercover reasoning being….*NOT dating would lessen the chance for me to make any choices (especially bad ones), therefore, I only had to make 1 choice….with 1 man...and wouldn't' need to meet or date more than 1 guy.
The truth was, I didn’t trust myself. But that’s not the story that God was beginning to whisper to me…..
The one thing we can learn about Love from God is the freedom to choose. In fact, love can’t be in the room if there’s not a choice for it to not be accepted. It’s ever giving, without demanding. It’s unconditional. And it’s full of peace without striving. It’s amazing to me that God invites us into His grand love story, but He doesn’t make us enter it or even stay there. The choice is yours.
He so values and trusts your ability to choose. Wow.
That’s kind of mind-blowing.
But love leaves room for choice.
So not only are you worthy of love, but God considers you a trustworthy vessel as well.
Um. Go ahead and drink that in. Really.
YOU ARE WORTHY OF LOVE. EVERY PART OF YOU.
AND GOD CONSIDERS YOU A TRUSTWORTHY VESSEL.
Why else would God extend the invitation of giving us Jesus (John 3:16) and the Holy Spirit to indwell inside of you (I know. It’s quite breathtaking.). But I would offer to you, that ONE of those reasons being... God believes in you more than you believe in yourself.
And I think you know that to be true, when you encounter a moment with God, or with someone who is filled with His spirit -- the kindness and overwhelming love and acceptance you automatically feel is beyond natural, it’s truly supernatural.
And that’s the narrative that God began to breathe over me as He uncovered my hidden shame and fear when it came to dating and risking vulnerability. He would simply whisper to my heart:
“You are worthy of love. Every part of you.
And the journey to discovering the man I have for you, will never remove your worth or your place in my heart. You are a trustworthy vessel. Even if you make mistakes, my love and forgiveness are always here for you with open arms.”
There’s this beautiful phrase in the relationship coaching world: “Every man is a teacher.”
Meaning, every date doesn’t lead to a relationship, every relationship doesn't lead to an engagement, and every engagement doesn’t lead to a marriage. But yet, you learn something profound and important from each man, if you have a heart to pay attention, discern, and heal.
These become lessons of wisdom that can never be stolen from your heart or spirit. And inevitably enlarge your capacity to receive and give love in all your relationships.
So as God began to infuse me with more of His radically beautiful love narrative over my crusty dusty heart, certain things became even clearer.
It didn’t necessarily mean that things would become ‘easier’ - but they did become more ‘peace-filled’. I also found that when you know that you are loved and feel loved, while being connected to those things that give you real joy, you can just about do and endure anything. Often in our journeys, we are searching for clarity, but in actuality, I find that we are looking for peace. And then the clarity comes.
The love that I know to be worth fighting for, is usually a bit wild, messy, full of grace, hiccups, growth, discernment, and faith. This faith, this trust... somehow becoming integrous to the love experience as a whole.
But it’s Love that fuels faith.
Not simply dogma or rules.
Faith is fueled by real love in action.
So how was I going to take some real solid action steps??
Because prior, I basically wanted a faithless dating/relationship experience (or simply a non-existent dating experience)...I wanted a guarantee. I wanted certainty that I would never be hurt everrrr or never be challenged in areas of humility or deeper love.
But that’s not what God promises us in life.
Even as Believers, we know that we aren’t guaranteed perfect marriages or relationships, but there is a way of living that cultivates a beautiful comeback and redemption for every crappy thing that we might endure. And I am confident in saying that with God, we get to experience the best of what love and marriage have to offer, if we are willing -- but such an adventure of redemption and promise often involve stepping outside of our usual routine, breaking ties with our clever self-preservation habits, and our well-held seemingly secure comfort zones.
And with that said, how does one know they can walk on water unless they take a step outside of the boat?
Steps taken of course, while keeping your eyes on the source of all Truth & Love….Keeping your gaze and your focus on Jesus. Yes.
But don’t miss the fact that you’re taking steps you once deemed impossible but steps that are drenched in His grace and His Romans 8:28 promise… Knowing that unconditional love is bigger than you think. And that all things in that verse means “All Things”. And that all those things in your story are still being worked together for your good….and also for His glory.
But don’t miss that part…..For *your Good.
Because God is just that kind.
So with that foundation of God’s supernatural unconditional love established and fortified in my bones and body afresh, dating took its proper place.
I began to take radical responsibility regarding my own hangups and let God heal my past relationship/friendship triggers.
Which in turn, freed me up so that I wasn’t “striving” to make things happen with men, but rather I became much more at peace...easy breezy if you will...(not flippant). But also intentional to not hide but to be seen by legit dating prospects. (Oh, don’t worry...We’ll talk about my online dating journey in my next post! :)….
I had grace and time to figure things out. To go slow. To be intentional. To laugh. To cry if needed. To lean back. To let go of all the high stakes and made up narratives in my head.
My salvation and faith wasn’t on trial or wrecked through this new journey of dating. (To note, I had a GREAT community of women around me during my entrance into dating and I still do) God’s love for me and my love and adoration for Him was not being quenched, but rather it grew in depth and in compassion towards both men and women.
But for real, I honestly didn’t expect that part.
And yet, I know what it feels like to not want to date or not want to feel like you *have to date (which that phrase in and of itself...the “have to” needs to be unpacked for you and yourself- Because dating can actually be a privilege that everyone doesn’t get to do in their romance journey - for reasons we trust that God knows - just as He knows the nuances of each of our own hearts.)
And look-- I also know how it feels to be a full grown adult woman and have NO idea or clue about HOW to even date or go about dating with a real life man-person in the first place...
That was ME, folks.
But it doesn’t have to be hard or overly complicated.
Really.
How do you naturally make friends? Common interests? You show up to a place, someone asks you a question, you respond, more conversation ensues, maybe food is involved or perhaps fruit punch… And then you decide if you had a genuine vibe with that person or if it was simply superficial and stays on that “associate” need-to know type of basis...for all intents and purposes this scenario kinda sounds like a date...
Dating doesn’t have to be slimy or bow-chica-bow-wow, but can be an extraordinary way to mature and grow in joy and compassion if you know how to do it in such a way.
My main tip to my ladies when it comes to venturing out in the dating world:
Don’t do your dating journey alone.
Have a community of like-minded women around you who love to hear about the minutia and play-by-play of your relationship stories and daily updates, but it’s key that these be extraordinary women who also know how to give timely compassionate wisdom and insight.
I’d also like to stress that Dating is not “The relationship” - At this stage, you have no claimed exclusivity to this person. Your posture of heart should simply be that of honoring them with kindness while being curious and excited to have an exchange of stories and time.
Saying yes to a date doesn’t mean saying yes to an engagement or even a relationship.
But I do understand that some of y'all like to play it that way. Some rather skip out on the discovery faith-walk phase of dating and skip right into the marriage...
And all I have to say to you is this:
And I also know that there’s no shortage of opinions out there, especially when it comes to dating and relationships.
But here's the thing...if you want to give us single gals tips, please have fruit in your relationships that we would actually want to have.
Quite frankly, not all of you fine folks out there giving out marriage and relationship advice have something that my heart truly finds attractive and actually wants.
But I find that the couples I DO want to have a relationship like are a bit more subtle and laid back about their gold medals, tips and advice.
These couples seem to be so kind and gracious….Humble even. Knowing that the great work and sacrifice it took them to get there and to stay there in that incredible relationship was a mixture of love and miracles.
At the end of the day, these couples seem to have extraordinary peace in holding their hearts and hands -- regarding all aspects of their lives and relationship, open unto God.
And to those epic couples, with fruit that we’d actually want to have, we see you.
We appreciate you. And we love seeing the expression of God in your lives and relationships. And we readily receive the wisdom you have to share in this arena of love and relationships.
And to my married Bffs out there who are ready to chime in with a quickness after this blogpost….Just take a beat.
And remember, just like your romance story, ours will be a tailor-made experience, full of great God-winks and nuances that make sense to us individually.
Now after you’ve considered that last thought, and you still feel the urge to share some of your wisdom and insights, by all means, go ahead.
But be warned, we’ll be inspecting dat fruit as well. But I do trust that you’ve learned some great lessons along the way. And I’m here for it.
So back to you, where is fear hiding in your story? Have you been pushing away love unintentionally?
We’ve had so much weight and stigma on the word Dating in the Christian community - but for most of us as Christians, we aren’t sleeping with the people we date, but simply trying to discern if there’s common ground and connection with the possibility for something more.
If you’re a single woman or man reading this and felt a tinge of annoyance or some sort of stirring - That’s great!
My question to you is, if you kept doing the same thing you’re doing today, how different would your life be 6 months or a year from now? How would you be showing up in the world?
No different? Completely different?
You can absolutely wait to find out. Or you can start to step outside of the boat now.
Believe me, I know how hard the first step can be- I was in that EXACT same place - but I also know that God’s faithfulness didn’t run out on me in the midst of the journey.
So Beloved, what will it be?
Will you trust love just one more time?
And will you believe that every part of you is worthy of love and that you are truly, decidedly trustworthy…?
Because you my brave, brilliant one, absolutely are.
Wisdom’s Knocking:
“Have enough courage to trust love one more time and always one more time.”
~ Maya Angelou