How Are You Still Single??

I’ve wanted to belong to someone as long as I can remember.

I wanted someone to be proud to call me theirs. And I wanted to be proud to call them mine.

I’ve had a pretty healthy family of origin life – not perfect but pretty darn good. And I grew up with a steady amount of close, fun and kind friendships.

Faith in God – Being familiar and knowing Jesus has always been a part of my entire life story. I felt like I had a steady foundation at such an early age. Something that anchored me and shaped my personality and heart.

  And yet, no one had to convince me about romance. It just made sense. I always knew I wanted to be married. To make babies. To have a partner in crime.

But then last year something was cracked open.

  It’s taken me almost a year to wrap my heart and mind around the experience of being chosen as an official California Stagecoach Country Music Festival Line Dancer last year.

It wasn’t really a prize I was trying to win.

  Plus prior, I think I disqualified myself because of my age and lack of belief in something good happening that also felt so good and easy to me.

  I didn’t think good things – good surprises could still happen to me. But they did.

  In the midst of pain.

As you may know, I was nursing heartache and disappointment last year.

  The clock had been ticking and reminding me that the promise and hope that I believed God had for me in regards to marriage and a family had still not happened.

  I had cried, prayed, fasted, believed, and hoped.

  And nothing had happened.

  Same words, different faces over the last 20 years, telling me how amazing I was and how my man was just around the corner, and that my man was also waiting for me to not try so hard to look for him…but he was also not ready, but I was also not ready… but we were also both SO ready…and it was TIME, and I might meet him through online dating, or through a friend, but probably at the grocery store or I might meet him in a way we all could never think of if we all prayed hard enough or if I put myself out there more or simply trusted God’s timing.

“The course of true love never did run smooth.”

For some reason, this is the only line from Shakespeare that I always remember (and I was an English major in college!) But it’s been ringing all throughout my mind and body these last couple of weeks.

  Today is the day after…

  The day after I have gotten yet another soft rejection.

  I spent the last 3 weeks talking to one of the kindest men I have ever known.

  His intentionality – his ability to listen to me and truly hear my heart without judgement and sincere empathy healed a part of my heart that I didn’t know needed healing.

  I felt seen.

  “…you’ve been a breath of fresh air… I think you’re an amazing person and a wonderful Christian with a great personality that is especially wonderful to pray with…”

I knowww. He hit me with the “great personality” – Ha!  *I’m also slightly crying*

  But what really became the rift between us moving from potential lovers to now cordial friends, was my age and the reality that I may not be able to have babies soon. A desire I’ve wanted my ENTIRE life, but I may not actually get to experience – which feels utterly heartbreaking to write that to you.

  However, I knew going into this connection, with this sweet man 10 years younger than me, that he strongly desired to have kids. And I stated up front to him, I just didn’t  know if my body would be able to give us both that gift. I wept on an audio message to him that first week we met and he held such tender space for me on our next phone call.

  He wasn’t trying to fix me or the situation, but I knew he was contemplating. Meanwhile, he endeavored to learn everything about me and my story. He still showed me kindness with his actions and that I was worth his time and I felt the same towards him.

  Adding to the fact that we both had crazy work schedules, life schedules, and we were long distance and also trying to figure out if we were actually going in the same direction in life and faith, was quite the unconventional and inconvenient journey.

  Meeting new humans out of context is so hard.

  But he loved God, was kind, cute to me, did country boy thangs, served at his local church and knew how to pray.

  It was easy peasy in my mind.

  Let’s get married TODAY, SIR.

  But that wasn’t reality.  

  Just barely 3 months after one of the deepest dating heartbreaks I’ve experienced to date, I get hit with that phrase and sentiment I’ve heard so often in my teen and young adult life.

  You’re amazing... As a friend.

  No longer a romantic and robust woman full of desire, I feel somehow reduced to being a neuter. No longer safely pursued to be kissed but given a handshake and a high five as a consolation.

  When you get tired of waiting. You get tired of waiting.

  I reached out to a few trusted friends yesterday and just wept.

  A common question I get asked by men either on dating apps, social media, at work, or social settings:

  How are you still single? And how have you not had sex yet??

  If that last remark is news to you – click here to get the full backstory.

  In essence, yes – I’ve also asked the question… WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME.

  When I first started talking to this kind man I’ve been referencing in this post, he was so perplexed by the fact that I had not had many long-term relationships. And he was also mesmerized by my self-control regarding my own body.  Trust me, I’m the most surprised out of anyone regarding my own sexual ethic and self-control. Seriously. (I mean at this point, it is truly and oddly supernatural…)

  To date, I’ve only had one 6-month romantic relationship (which ended traumatically) and that was over 20 years ago.

  That statistic can be both intriguing and scary for a man to hear.

  All along, I thought it would be considered as only a gift to the man who would get to spend this short lifetime with me.

But really, the question remains…

  Is she a crazy psycho?

  What’s really her deal??

  How have I bobbed and weaved a serious dating relationship up until this point?

  Like many of my other sisters in the Faith: Long-term church crushes on boys and later men that led to nowhere, staying “just friends” with guys that I could have easily married over a decade ago, making dating so “high-stakes” that I was too fearful to even say yes to a real date until my late 30s.

  And my favorite…believing that finding my person and getting married would  “just happen” at the right time  while I kept pursuing my exciting life – just like how I got an incredibly fun, creative job, education, and found a church home. Which of course, all involved some sort of effort and participation on my part. Of which all of those things hold profound weight in my life story – just like I believe marriage will as well.

  But then wallah, here I am at 45. Still single.

  Feeling like a teenager. Still not knowing all the rules.

  I’ve spent large amounts of money on counselors, courses and coaches to help me identify my own blind spots and to prepare me for a grand, healthy, meaningful and deep love story full of legacy and full of God’s heart.

  And yet, the men I find or that find me are not truly ready for an epic love story.

  They say they want one, but after week 3 are not willing to put in the work, effort, or time.

  Or they can’t “see” me.

  Or we don’t truly vibe.

  Or they simply do not have the emotional capability because they’ve been so hurt that their own heart is semi-shut down and they don’t even realize it.

  And yet, they parade themselves on a dating app, country dance bar, or church service as ready for a true love story and partnership that would make the angels look down in awe and wonder.

  And yet the cycle continues.

  There is no belonging there.  There is no commitment there. There is only window shopping.

  When do we finally come together?

  When does the tide finally change?

  There seems to be more isolation these days and less connection on the romantic front or maybe it’s just me…

(And sidenote: My prayer these days is telling God that I actually don’t want to grow up to become a 72 year old-escort… see here for context — althoughhhh, I do understand the appeal…) 

*sighs* Yes. I’m deeply sad and hurt today.

But yes, I still very much believe in love.

DEEPLY.

Heck, someone just fell in love and got married while you were reading this post.

It wasn’t me though.

  At least not yet.

So what actually cracked open for me at Stagecoach last year?

Belonging.

I was seen. And I was present.

  I simply showed up and did what I loved to do: dance…& truly settled into being my most authentic Patrice, the one I believe God dreamed up all along.

  God put me on the specific dance team that He knew I absolutely needed (without interference of my great admin or “controlling skills”).

  Because on that dance team and in that space, I was cared for, thought about, preferred, talked to, prayed for, accepted, included, loved on, fed, considered, cheered on, complimented, protected, supported, hugged, was told I looked beautiful, encouraged, laughed with, given space, and looked after.

  That’s really what my heart wants.

  When I fall in love with a man, it will not be because I’m tired or I’ve given up. It will be because I feel utterly seen with a deep, rich sense of belonging.

  I made up this little acronym a few days ago:

C.A.S.

Cherished

Adored

Seen

  I want to feel those things…And perhaps even more importantly, I want to feel all those things towards him as well.

  How am I still single?

  I think because I don’t want to eat mediocre love no matter how painful the wait has been.

  And in this, God knows my heart very well.

  Because when I fall in love, it will be forever.

  Wisdom’s Knocking:

“When I fall In love
It will be forever
Or I'll never fall in love

In a restless world like this is
Love is ended before it's begun
And too many moonlight kisses
Seem to cool in the warmth of the sun

When I give my heart
It will be completely
Or I'll never give my heart

And the moment
I can feel that
You feel that way too
Is when I fall in love
With you

And the moment
I can feel that
You feel that way too
Is when I fall in love
With you”

~ “When I Fall In Love” – song written by Edward Heyman & Victor Young

Hear more bonuses and behind the scenes for women of faith here.

Fog

It's been too long since I've done a blog post deep dive with you. Per usual, let's start in the middle, touch the beginning and land somewhere near the future.

I'm still wrapping my mind around the weirdest concert event I've ever experienced. And that says a lot coming from me.

Most of you know what I get to do for a living, I'm around live music, artists and venues all.the.time. I love it. It's not what I planned for my life. But it's where I feel most at home in many ways.

But that's only one aspect of my creative and work life.

I'm just as exhausted as you are trying to keep up with my 'creative endeavors'. I coach, I mentor, I'm on prayer teams, I make inconsistent line dancing videos on Youtube, I sometimes sit down with friends and record it, and call it a podcast, I make digital greeting cards and templates, I create backstage celebrity suites and green room experiences, I write, I'm still considering going back to the classroom to teach Film 200 again at the college level, but I digress.

There's a million good things I could be doing, but what is the ONE or few things I should be doing. I know. I just lost some of you because I mentioned the word "should". It's okay. Maybe that irritated you just enough to make you think about your own answer to the question.

Perhaps, let me say it this way.

What talent am I meant to give my full attention to in 2025?

I'm not sure yet. Honestly.

But I made the mistake of finally reading John Mark Comer's book, "The Ruthless Elimination of Hurry" AND the many pages of footnotes at the end of the book and now I'm somehow following Diane in Denmark and The Minimalist Podcast to dive deeper into "simple living".

But let's talk about my very weird concert experience.

Never have I seen an artist faint or pass out on stage. Okay, that's not entirely true. But that time, I wasn't sitting in the second row, able to see it all unfold in disturbing 3D.

Never have I seen a backing band so calm and motionless to come to an artist's aid.

To note, I have seen certain artists 'high as kites' while performing, but this was a mix of...well, I'm actually not quite sure.

This is a piece of what I wrote as my review on Ticketmaster a few days back:

The opening and featured artists were phenomenal!

However most notable, was the headliner {Artist Name} falling multiple times on stage, mumbling song lyrics and acting quite strange. I was in the 2nd row, and it was a bit scary and painful to see.

At one point, the stage lights and arena lights were turned completely black to shield what was unfolding on stage.

{Artist} then requested the lights be turned on and requested the restart of the music. He mentioned a recent back surgery. And how he was a bit embarrassed and couldn't control it. However, I was a bit confused when he would say sentences that were a bit off beat (commenting on how the "hat" of his violinist looked good - while he was wobbling back and forth)

The crowd was mixed - gasping, praying, yelling encouragements, standing in confusion, but overall in shock. He painfully made it through a second song while sitting on a stool with a member from his team squatting behind him holding up his back. 

Once the song ended, without a formal goodbye, he walked off stage left, with someone from his team holding him up. A few moments later, someone came to the stage and announced that the show was over. The full venue lights immediately come on with all their daylight-like brightness --the {Artist} backing band slowing make their way off stage, and thousands of people in the arena are left a bit dazed and confused.

This was quite a weird experience. And I have not received a formal announcement from the promoters or the {Artist} team addressing what truly happened. Or any sort of future consolation for the attendees.

Thoughts? Perhaps this was a random hiccup? But it seems like this is being downplayed quite a bit. Especially online. Which feels a bit odd.

Nevertheless, I hope {Artist} and team are okay.

This was definitely unlike any concert I've ever attended.

Sidenote: Did I mention that this was a Christian concert?

Yeah.

With no real explanation, and weird social media posts on the Artist's social media pages, I still feel like I'm in a bit of a fog.

Ever feel like you are being lied to? Or something is amiss?

It's slightly irritating.

Especially when you're already in a fog in life.

Trying to navigate and figure out what your wise next best steps are.

But maybe, I'm misinterpreting things. Maybe I'm off?

Things are still so cloudy for me in a variety of ways.

Processing grief during the holidays is always a pain.

Never convenient. But always telling the truth somewhere.

A question a spiritual director or life coach might ask me,

"What might the fog be trying to tell you right now?"

And you know what, as soon as I typed that last sentence and waited a bit, you know what I heard?

I heard...

"WAIT"

I always want to know the answer RIGHT AWAY. But this fog is making me slow down and wait. UGH.

It's inviting me to put away my problem solving and my "creative works" (which I often barter for a sense of personal value).

And the current "to-do" is to simply be IN the fog.

How long will this fog last?

Well, if I know seasons and history, "every storm runs out of rain."

So we wait.

Eventually what is hidden, will come to the light.

"Wisdom's Knocking"

"For nothing is concealed that won’t be revealed, and nothing hidden that won’t be made known and brought to light." Luke 8:17 (CSB)

Letting Love In.

This is still a little raw for me, but I wanted to let you in. 

You might have known that I took a 3 month social media sabbatical/rest late last year that carried into February of this year.

It was refreshing to say the least.

  However, I did it mostly because I was feeling dread, defeat, confusion and hopelessness in regards to my own romantic love journey.

  I had touted so bravely and earnestly that God invited me to wait “4 more years” in 2019 for what would be a love story so epic and extraordinary that it would be labeled MIRACULOUS. A love story that could have only been done by the work of God’s supernatural, gorgeous and strong hands.

  And that is why 2023 held so much promise for me.

  I stepped out of my comfort zone in more ways than I knew were possible for my heart’s capacity. Dating coaches, online dating, dating events, all while trying to stay anchored to who I was and what I truly desired.

  But I knew, this whole big love story was meant to “prove my faith” to myself.

  Let me explain that a bit.

  After my “dark night of the soul” in 2006, my faith in God was never quite the same.

  I was struck in a place so deep in my mind, body, and heart that I thought I might never recover from anxiety and fear.

  Supernatural prayers from loved ones and spiritual mentors are the sole reason I’m a functioning and contributing human to society today.

  But I still felt lonely.

  God, you said, “It’s not good for man to be alone….”

  My life partner was not on the scene, and so, I threw myself into local church community and allowed myself to be cared for, prayed for, hugged weekly and consistently.

  In that space, and in utter weakness, I also became a youth pastor.

  I loved love my spiritual kids and teens in a way that truly taught me about Christ’s “agape” love.

  I had nothing that I felt was concrete to give in and of myself but my presence, my humor, and my weakness. I needed to meet God as much as those teens did.

  I saw and experienced bonafide miracles. Things that cannot be explained by doctors or science alone – but were as real as you reading my words in your brain right now.

  And yet, I still wrestled with the mystery and love of God. Of Jesus.

  I couldn’t receive it all.

  I was stubborn.

  Resistance.

  And tense on the inside.

  But I continued to do the “good Christian girl” things: Church, serving the community, volunteering, praying, reading Scripture, worship, smiling at people who gave me the side eye, etc.

  Habits are often mindless,

  While disciplines are often mindful.

Yet, I believe God uses it all.

  Yes, love is in the giving of your heart away,

And love is made complete in the receiving of it consciously and intentionally.

Why is it so hard for us to receive love??

We crave it.

And yet we resist it –

  Both simultaneously.

  It’s a weird math equation.

  How do you know when you’ve truly received love?

You can acknowledge it with your mouth.

  Not just your heart.

  God has been ever patient with me. With us.

  My image of God shrank to simply a “side kick”.

  But I wasn’t acknowledging the power and expanse of God – how entire galaxies can fit on the tip of God’s finger. And even that analogy still falls short because God is beyond size and measure.

  And it is this expansive God who I have encountered personally as a young girl, who revealed Himself explicitly and profoundly through this incredible miracle, man and savior we call Jesus.

  The name holds weight.

  And yet, He’s so secure and not afraid of our wrestle.

  How??

  I’m afraid of my wrestle.

  My family is afraid of my wrestle.

  The church is often afraid of our wrestle.

  But He…He is not afraid of our wrestle.

  And for over a decade, I’ve been wrestling around the expanse and mystery of my Great Love.

  There is so much backlash in the world.

  So much unbelief.

  So much doubt.

  And yet, He is ever patient with me. With us.

  It’s the mystery for me.

  It’s the kicker.

  You mean, I can’t know all the reasons why??

  I won’t be able to figure it all out on this side of life??

  Even if I do this, that, and the next thing – it’s not a guarantee for me to “unlock  the mystery”?

  Oof.

But faith – trust, is the door that opens the portal to the supernatural. And to eternal wisdom –

Whoa. That’s heavy man.

And what helps us to trust and have actual faith amidst the mystery?

  Yes.

Love.

And so where does my heritage of love take me, invite me towards?

  Those have been the questions I’ve been holding and wrestling with consistently for over 15 years.

  And so, instead of confronting the Expanse, I agreed to a tangible miracle that would help me shake-off the mystery of this great God.

  If God could do something seemingly impossible, I could believe wholeheartedly again that God is real, loves me, and is for me. I could let love back in – the way in which I felt loved by God as a little girl.

The idea of my own love story had become the foundation and means for my faith.

  I couldn’t accept the mystery of God until I saw, like Thomas, hands shown to me.

  And so I bet everything “on black” in 2023 –

  And the miracle didn’t arrive.

  I was just as single as I had ever been.

And now, I had no where else to turn –

  No attractive, strong man’s arms to hide my own avoidance in.

  It was now just me and God.

  Face to face.

  My heart broken.

  When I returned to social media in February of this year, my first post was titled: “I WAS WRONG”.

  I shared my own embarrassment of writing publicly and believing that God was going to do something crazy and amazing in my love story by end of year 2023, only to be left sincerely confused.

  I had seen God do crazy supernatural things for others.

  Even with folks I had prayed with and for.

  Like some stuff that would blow your mind. (One example among *many: Doctors confirming that several women I prayed with and for could *not get pregnant. It was a fact. It was science. The data didn’t lie. AND yet these women would later get miraculously pregnant, and now I have pictures of some of those babies on my phone as a reminder that miracles do legitimately happen – more often than we think…)

But somehow, I had gotten it all wrong for me.

How??

  But I think the answer is coming to me as I face the Expanse.

  It’s the place the God has been waiting for me to get to, after all these years.

He’s not afraid of your brilliant mind or your thoughtful questions.

  But I think we are afraid of our own hearts encountering a real God.

  A true and mysterious God who highlights Jesus as vital.

  After I shared the, “I WAS WRONG” post – the wrestle continued and so did grace.

  So much grace.

  Maybe I’ll share more about that on a future podcast episode. (And yes, the pod will be coming back this year ;)

  But man, the GRACE.

  Can we just revisit the definition of grace right quick?

  Rather, the Bible’s definition of grace: “undeserved favor” – It can’t be earned and it is freely given to us by God.

  God’s heart posture towards you always, in this moment is that of GRACE.

  And now, I’m going to fast forward past fun and touchy facts like:

1. I won’t be teaching a film class at university this Fall – my class was inherited by a lovely, more tenure professor and there was some apprehension about my current teaching methods – however, 75% of my students from my last semester connected positively with me and the material and I was able to turn one student into a film “minor” – Well folks, my job here might be done. But teaching at the university level was one of the great gifts of my life.

2. How do I *succinctly answer, “What do you do?” – I don’t have that figured out yet, if you have any suggestions, please let me know. This is what I currently do for various means of income: TV/Live Events Dressing Room Supervisor, Certified Christian Somatic Coach for Highly Creative & Achieving Women, Content Creator for my Patreon, Instagram & Facebook channels / And this is what I do for free: Podcast Host, Prayer Team Volunteer, Trainee for Spiritual Care Team at Church, Country Line Dancer

  So of course, I’ve been wrestling with WHO AM I??

  It used to be so simple.

  When I was 11, I told people I wanted to be a lawyer.

  It sounded prestigious and succinct.

  I like the clarity of titles.

  But when you are a “creative” it’s like, please never ask me what I do at a dinner party, I’m still so confused myself…and in many cases, making less money than you think I am.

  So all this talk and chatter has been swirling deep in me for the last few weeks.

  I was just beginning to muster up enough courage to try and hop on a dating app again (I haven’t been on in 6 months…)

  But I had questions like, “What do I actually bring to the table as a woman in a romantic relationship besides student loans?”

  WHO AM I???

  But love has a way of calming you down, speaking truth to you and truly reminding you of who you are.

  There’s mystery and beauty in it all.

  When God is present.

  And so, I decided to ask a trusted guy friend of mine to share what he thought I might bring to the table as a woman for a future partner.

  I wanted to know my strengths but also my blind spots of goodness, weakness and shadows as seen from the perspective of a man.

  My heart had been in a drought.

  And I’m honestly not sure what compelled me to be so bold to ask him the question -- Other than, I really wanted to know his answer, because he is smart, kind, and honest.

  When I first read his answer, I ugly cried for a good 20 minutes.

It was the kindness of God to me in that moment.

Words that I wrote in my journal years ago about the type of woman I prayed to become, were reiterated back to me in that text message.

And I simply wanted to treasure it.

My healing work had produced tangible, noticeable ‘fruit’.

  I’ve asked him permission to share some of that text with you and he has graciously agreed.

  Ya’ll this is just too good:

“I think the shortest way I could possibly describe you as a woman is that you are a safe space. You as a person have single-handedly  created that for me. You are so obviously kind-hearted and welcoming and wholesome, you’ve just exuded it from the moment I met you. I knew you’d never judge me and you’d love me for who I am and I could trust you with my whole heart. All of these things have proven true over time but I got this overwhelming sense from the very start that’s the kind of person you are. You are my biggest hype woman and number one fan, you always shower me in compliments and it’s so uplifting. But the thing that ties it all together is how authentic you are. You’re incredibly vulnerable and honest and confident so I know that none of our interactions are insincere. I truly feel that you’ve meant every nice and loving thing you’ve ever said about me. I get the sense that comes from you being so well grounded and secure in who you are, it has eliminated any jealousy or competition or deceit from your being. And I think that is the most valuable thing anyone can provide a man. In my experience it’s incredibly hard to be vulnerable and open as a man, that’s just not how most men are raised to be. It takes a lot of work to develop that skill and it’s something I’m very much working on in my own life. But the right person can make it so much easier and you are one of those people. For a man to know that no matter what goes on in the world he will come home to an uplifting and supportive presence means more than you can imagine. Creating a safe space to be authentic is immensely valuable.

I think the above captures your biggest and best offering as a partner, but I would be remiss to not mention just a few of the other things…”

I know the immediate thought you might have now is, “When are you 2 getting married??” – That’s a natural and good question. However, I’m not in control of that.

Honestly, I’m still open to meeting and dating other guys that match and/or exceed this level of emotional intelligence, felt safety, kindness, and generosity.

Not every connection is a love connection and that’s okay. But the connection can still hold deep value.

  And to note, he’s not the only safe and kind guy that I know – I know, I might be a little bit spoiled here. And yes, kind and smart guys with depth might seem rare to you, but they are not extinct. I promise you that.

Good people still exist.

I promise.

And so now, here I am.

  In the Expanse.

  Slowly letting God’s love in again.

  The mystery, the pain, the faith – and the love.

  God may surprise you with the way He uses love to break down your walls and get to the true heart of the matter.  

The main story line was never about my future husband.

It was always about what I truly and deeply thought about God.

Letting Love in is looking quite differently than I thought.

  But I think it’s finally beginning again…

Wisdom’s Knocking:

We love because He first loved us.

~1 John 4:19 (ESV)

Stinging Afterglow

I’ve tried writing to you many, many times before this attempt.

But as I would come back to my drafts, it all felt like dry analytical facts. Information that I was giving you, but in essence hiding behind.

What was really going on with my heart, what was I hiding? That’s the real treasure I wanted to explore with you.

So now, I’ve had a small beat to let my heart speak.

  It’s in that land of ‘hope deferred’ and ‘I don’t know if I care enough to keep this thing going’. Those seem to be the constant states my heart is oscillating between.

The feeling and sentiment is a bit numb and whiplashed.

Why is it when you feel like you are minding your own business, with no expectations on the horizon that something appears out of the sky like an elaborate shooting star.

  I had settled into the idea that love and romance may never happen to and for me.

  I could have easily stepped into a lackluster dating relationship like yesteryear, but what I’ve been captivated by is inspired by the strong friendships in my life that are steady and simply feel like home. 

I’m wanting a romantic relationship that feels just as passionate and peaceful as the texture of those unique friendships in my life.

I’ve met a handful of men over the years that exude a bit of that ‘steady & at home’ vibe  – but they’ve all preferred to be friends on the outskirts of my life, enriching my life in occasional friendship, while also making it very clear to me that there is no romantic interest on their part..

  And then there are the men at church who are 60+ and are feeling a bit of a resurgence of their youth when they see me. These men vacillate between wanting to be a grandfather figure, full of wisdom and advice while also throwing in a cheeky comment or two on my beauty.

  These grandpas are also quick to mention any guy they see around my age and that I might show an interest in, are ‘not quite good enough’ for me.

  Now there could be truth to what they are saying about any given man, but I also find it highly suspect in certain contexts and a tad bit discouraging in my overall love journey.

  So back to the shooting star.

After my heartbreaks of 2023 and subsequent ‘Jesus-inspired’ dream of December 2023 (where I was invited to simply look at Christ’s face, allowing Him to meet me in my shock, awe and disappointment and simply let His words do what they do and wash the grit and heaviness - but there was no resolve in the dream. No answer about my future love walk and love story. Marriage or no marriage? I dunno. I woke up from that dream like. Um. Thanks, Jesus?)

Meanwhile, I still felt like I completely lost the plot.

I’d been sharing with you for years prior, about my bold expectation for 2023 (meeting my future husband). And when that all fell apart and crumbled, it made me question how I hear God, His story and purpose for me, and how I could move forward authentically.

  I felt like a dead woman walking.

  How could I trust myself?

  I was also beyond embarrassed.

  Nothing was as it seemed to me.

  I knew too much of the goodness of God in my life to completely walk away from God. But He wasn’t giving me any solid answers. And those around me looked at me with a tinge of confusion and fear in their own eyes, quick to share everyone’s classic rote Christian answers. Ignoring their own grief and unanswered questions.

  I do distinctly remember one friend looking at me with eyes of empathy. Not pity. Empathy. I could tell in her eyes she knew what it was like to be in the land of “desire and disappointment”, “pain and promise”. She offered me no answer or resolve, but simply stayed with me in the conversation we were having.

In that moment, I felt seen and held.

And that was enough to get me through that week.

(Don’t worry, we’ll circle back to the shooting star in a moment)

Since my own heart and romance debacle of 2023, I’ve since tried to keep my head down in the realm of romance.

  I was back on a dating app for January 2024 only to be ghosted for the 145th time.

  However, I whole heartedly believe that you ‘cannot miss the right person for you.’ I’ve seen wayyyy to many miracle romance stories. It’s not even funny.

  I’d rather have a soft heart that still feels, than a barricaded heart that is calloused, suspicious, and part-time numb.

  So this is the price I pay.

  To feel.

  To stay alive.

  Pain and grief.

  These are the sexy parts of romance that everyone would like to skip over and that they don’t tell you enough about.

  I feel a bit like the ‘woman with the issue of blood.’

  I’ve spent time and money, via matchmakers, dating coaches, a reality TV show (yes, you read that right…), church mothers, church fathers, conferences, books, courses, international trips, and the list goes on and on, to try and be ready for love, found by love or find love…

  Many of these options were steps of faith, well-intentioned, or just downright crazy.

  But I was always down for the adventure.

  I was always willing to step out and do those things that gave me butterflies and made me nervous. In fact, I still love adventure…

  But sometimes you get weary on the trip.

  And people cheering you on in a marathon is not the same thing as someone who provides you with water at the exact moment you need it…

  I felt like I needed water.

  And I thought I was about to get refreshed.

  I had a guy friend pop up on the scene in late December 2023.

  It was unexpected and easy.

  I actually enjoyed just being around and with him.

  And immediately, I thought…”Uh….oh”

  Cue the song…”Feels…”

  He wasn’t someone I had previously been romantically attracted to, but I was physically attracted to him.

  Do you know what I mean?

  Meaning, he was gorgeous, however, I could sense we would not be a match romantically for the long haul. We were just in different seasons of life, along with so many other things.

  But the more time we were spending together, the more my heart was opening up to the possibility…

  I was feeling refreshed.

  Until, the classic ‘I’m in love with my ex-girlfriend’ line came up…

  And the water bottle was yanked out of my hand.

  Valentine’s Day 2024 was my own ode to heartbreak and disappointment.

I took this photo shoot in one of the most raw emotional states I’ve been in recently.  I allowed myself to be seen in the tension of confusing sadness and ‘almost-hope’.

  Meanwhile, I’ve witnessed more of my sweet girlfriends and clients step into relationships, get engaged, and even married.

  How does one hold that kind of tension?

  The answer for me…

“Not alone.”

I knew I could easily fall into a depressive state if I didn’t have someone nurturing and tending to my own soul story. I quickly hired a faith-filled somatic (body-integrated) coach and a counselor in January 2024.

  To my leaders, creatives, ministers, alpha-females out there please make sure you are getting soul care monthly. YES. Monthly.

  So to add insult to injury, the guy I had a crush on at church (and had a few weird, almost-romantic, pseudo-prophetic dreams about) in a very blunt way, ignored me when were at the same local restaurant and later told me that it would be best if we would only talk at church. Letting me know in no uncertain terms that he had no interest getting to know me in a romantic context. 

Noted.

  But dang. That stung.

  And I’m still thirsty…

  But then work begins to do what it does.

  Church begins to do what it does.

  And before I know it, I’m just living. Still reeling a bit from all the unknown and unanswered questions of 2023, but I’m living very grateful and content.

  Each month, since February, I’ve been taking 2-3 days away on a mini-vacation. Giving myself space and peace. Visiting new cities, eating good food, sleeping in, reading, and watching an obscene amount of the cult classic, “Murder, She Wrote”.

  These trips have been so healing for my heart and for my sense of adventure.

  And in the last city I visited, I saw two shocking things.

  The aftermath of a woman on a bicycle hit by a car, unconscious and covered in blood.

  And a shooting star.

  These strong images are powerfully etched in my mind.

  And somehow I feel like they represent how this season of life has felt for so many of us.

  That day, I could feel something eerie in the atmosphere.

  I distinctly remember praying for protection moreso than I usually do.

  To boot, I had some strange people encounters that day (ie: a man trying to follow me around in a market…thankfully security had an eye on him as well)

  However, my heart and mind were a bit more focused on reconnecting with an old friend that night who I hadn’t seen in over a year.

  “Friend” may be more of a generous word. Acquaintance might be more appropriate here.

  But he has always been someone who exudes a bit of ‘steady & home’ to me.

  I had always been curious about the rest of the story. But our interactions were always overshadowed by a group dynamic or other friends that longed to get to him first.

  And my M.O. in those scenarios used to be… “slowly back away…”

I would always bow out of the competition. I figured if a girlfriend of mine had an interest in a guy, I’d let her go for it and cheer her on. And if a certain guy didn’t take an effort to chat with me, I figured he just didn’t have an interest in me and that was okay too. Yes, I’d be a bit disappointed about it, but I would learn to let it go.

However, after all these years, I still wanted to know what made him tick? How did he get to where he is in life? How does he feel about God? Jesus? How did he get to his conclusions? Or does he not care about a spiritual life? What does he value? And why? Do we have the same sense of humor??

Let me pause here.

It’s come to my attention that the man who chooses to be with me has to face his fears.

He has to wrestle with his own questions.

Staying stagnant and mediocre when it comes to life and love are not on the table with me.

And I realize, that many men are not ready for the depth I want to swim in.

Yes, many want it.

But they are not necessarily ready for it.

Vulnerability is a freaking scary thing.

  It’s only easier for me because I’ve been exercising this muscle with you here for well over a decade.

  But it’s still not easy for me.

  And so that night, I reconnected with this sweet and kind guy friend.

  The presence of him somehow made me want to melt into his chest and arms.

  It all felt a little too cozy.

  I was doing my best to check in with how I actually felt and to not overly-romanticize the moment.

No. We did not make out.

  However, I would not have been against it…

  It was all above board.

  Almost too above board for my liking.

  But I did notice some things afterwards.

  Many of my guy friends, would ask me to text them when I get home. To make sure I get home safely.

  This sentiment is something I am now accustomed to and spoiled by. Similar to how certain men ask if they can walk me to my car if I’m leaving a dance spot late at night.

  My Acquaintance made no such request that night. Which made me think, ‘Is he aware? Does he not care about my safety?’

  Which helped to clarify how important the role of ‘protector’ is for me.

  It’s true, seeing him that night somehow felt like a shooting star, but there were other things to consider.

  And plus, we were just acquaintances.

  I would leave that night feeling a little dizzy with possibility.

  But also not wanting to make a mountain out of a molehill.

I simply left that night with a stinging afterglow.

Stagecoach music festival was coming up soon.

And I was going to be dancing on a stage in front of thousands of people.

  I wanted to keep my heart open to the possibility that love might just see me there, find me, and hold me.

  And it did…just not in the way that I had expected…

Wisdom’s Knocking: 

“We have calcium in our bones,

iron in our veins,

carbon in our souls,

and nitrogen in our brains.

93 percent stardust,

with souls made of flames,

we are all just stars

that have people names.”

~Nikita Gill, “93 Percent Stardust”

My Current Shame

I’ve purposely shied away from writing in this blog space as frequently as I’ve done in the past because I know the level of vulnerability that it requires from me.

  Even after 15 years of writing to you in this blog space, I still get nervous when I know I’m sharing something real and deep.

  But after the last few months I’ve had and the kindness of God that I’ve experienced, I had to share.

  So many of you have rocked with me since the beginning of this blog. And some of you may be reading my work for the first time. Welcome.

  Raised in a loving home with a New Yorker and plenty of women around who knew how to speak their mind and keep it real, that’s the only way I know how to live and to be.

  But being raw and real is slightly different than being vulnerable.

  Bravely showing my weakness and the places I don’t want anyone to know where I’ve failed has taken practice through my entire adult life.

  This year, in my somatic coaching training, I was required as a coach to be coached myself and to bring real issues to my coaching time. Little did I know that it was a divine set-up by God.

  I thought I was just in my coaching certification program to “learn stuff” and “do stuff” for others. But the “Stuff” was being done to me and I spent the first 7 months of this year unpacking my greatest fears when it comes to being known, seen, and in a relationship with a man.

  Let’s get it all out there once again.

  I’m a virgin.

  You read that right. I wrote this blog post years ago, detailing my journey as a “Unicorn”.

  Honestly, I don’t know how I’ve made it this far being one. It was kind of planned when I was a teen, then not at-all planned, then planned again.

  As I was being coached by one of my coaching peers early this year, she listened to my heart and my body language as I shared some personal struggles. She then asked permission to share something with me.

  I gave her permission to do so.

  And then she simply said:

  “You can be safe and vulnerable.”

  That phrase hit me like thunder underwater.

  “You can be safe and vulnerable.”

  I started to weep.

  It’s what my heart and body needed to hear and knew its truth when it was said out loud over me.

  There have been incredible revelations that I’ve been experiencing through my work as a somatic coach and somatic-informed film educator.

  Stories.

  Metaphors.

  These things are vibrant and current in both my work as a coach and film professor. Stories & Metaphors.

  The story I was telling myself for years is that I could not trust my own choices, especially when it came to men.

  I had made some pretty bad choices in regards to previous crushes, friendships and 1 of 2 boyfriends that I’ve had in my entire life. And I remained guarded.

  My one-on-one session with a Christian dating coach this Summer and Fall is unfolding in a frustrating way.

  Not that I thought that I would be married after 1 week of working with her, but I thought that I would be married after 2 weeks of working with her.

  I kept subtly whispering to God:

  “I’ve done my work, my inner healing, my heart work. Why do I still have to wait? What is my future husband really doing? Is he holding this whole thing up? Am I just waiting until he gets out of a bad relationship?...”

  Little did I know that it wasn’t so much the speck in another’s eye but the log in mine.

  After feeling as though I hit a major wall with my dating coach, I asked God in one of my quiet times a couple weeks ago, “What’s really going on with me?”

  And after I read my chapter in Ezekiel (In my opinion, one of the least coziest books in the Bible), it was as clear as day as God whispered to my heart.

  Sidenote, a few days prior I had read in  Ezekiel 11:19 about God giving a heart of flesh to replace the heart of stone that had developed in His people.

  This is what was as clear as day, the Kind whispers of these words:

  “Patrice, you have a dangerous mixture of pride and self-pity.”

  It was a thought that I had never had before, and it was delivered with such kindness.

  I knew it’s truth when it arose in my mind.

  We talk about pride a lot in our faith circles and its dangers, but I don’t think we talk about the snares and dangers of self-pity.

  A lowly position of oneself. Thinking that you are doing everything alone, when God has explicitly said that He is the God with us, always (“Emmanuel”) “Excessive, self-absorbed unhappiness and self-centered sorrow.” (Credit: Oxford Dictionary & Google)

  Self-pity can really trip us up.

  The lie I kept telling myself and believing, is that a “Man like that, would never want a woman like me.”

  And God so kindly interrupted that lie.

  He called for compassion.

  For me to have compassion on myself and to speak and believe the truth. Firmly.

  This wasn’t a suggestion.

  I had a beautiful moment of repentance.

  And with naming my self-pity OUT LOUD, my pride wall began to crumble in new ways.

  I could see possibilities again, because those possibilities weren’t merely dependent on my effort or my own finite beauty, but on God’s miraculous timing and miracle working power. I had seen too much in my life to back down now.

  So as self-pity was exposed, I was surprised to find a connected root system to my lie…

Shame.

  I’ve worked through shame before in different areas of my life, but the theme that kept coming up in my sessions with my dating coach was my age.

I kept saying that I loved my age, but underneath that statement was a layer of shame.

Most of the guys that I connect with are younger than me. By at least a decade.

As you may have seen, most of the guys I dance with are younger than me as well.

  Each year, in either a social media post or a blog post here, I remind myself and the world of my true age.

  But my coach said something to me last week. And I know it shouldn’t have shocked me, but it did, which shed light on the area of my heart stuck in disbelief and unbelief.

“And for you, your husband's gonna love that you're 43. He's gonna love that you are where you are in life. And he's probably not looking for someone younger. He's just looking for someone to fall in love with. And he's gonna fall in love with your passion and your energy and your vibe and your beauty.”

Yes. I cried.

And yes, y’all, this is why the work of a coach is so vital in my life. I’m not out here solo-dolo. I need encouragement daily, just like you do.

  Oh, and yes, let’s not skip over my age. I’m 43. And next year I’ll be 44.

For some of you, you’ll want to know my skincare routine (DM me, I’ll let you know – Ha!)

  For others, you may still be in shock especially in light of my opening paragraphs.

  And for the guys who are romantically curious about me and doing their due diligence of social media and internet stalkery, you may be doing this face right about now:

To those lovely gentlemen: If you feel uncomfortable or intimidated regarding my age, don’t worry, you are most likely not my man. And that’s okay.

  In real life, at country dancehalls, I have a hard time discerning how old guys are. I’m a multi-generational gal. And I’m around guys from ages 21-71.

BUT I can usually tell which guys are under 34 years old, as they are quick to ask about my age within either the first or second conversation. My reasoning is that they want to make sure I’m within the baby-making age range, which if I’m honest, is still a tender area for me. I’d love to have kids through my own body, but as I get older, I’m not sure what God has in store in this area for me. And I’m praying that my future husband is open and sensitive to my heart on the matter and also believes in the miracle-working nature of our God.

  Many of the guys I meet who are around my age, are either married, tired, or on a different life path than I am. But my heart wants to stay open. However, the consensus is that my future man will most likely be younger than me. And how do I feel about that?

I’m starting to feel better about it.

But honestly, I was worried how you would feel about it.

This year, I’ve dated a spectrum of age ranges. From 26 to 50.

My mom was not a fan of the 50 year old (“Does he even have any sperm left?”- Ma Dukes)

But through it all, my heart remained open.

  God you can do anything.

  But as the Lord revealed a new place of healing, watering and nurturing that needed to take place in the garden of my heart these past couple of weeks, I was invited to stop discounting myself, stop being ashamed of my age, and stop being embarrassed that I tend to attract guys who are 10+ years younger than I am.

I am still fearfully and wonderfully made.

I am beautiful and worthy of love.

And the man that God has for me, the man who I’ve been praying for since I was 17 years old will recognize something when he sees me and when he’s around me. Perhaps he’ll sense a curiosity to know more, a feeling of home and deep attraction to me, an alignment of purpose and legacy, and maybe he has a heart to build something with a partner, something that’s not just an earthly legacy, but something full of God’s love and eternal legacy.

Until then, I’m letting go of shame.

I’m embracing my vulnerability.

I’m no longer discounting myself out.

I’m letting God turn my mourning into dancing (literally).

And learning how to breathe joyfully as a single woman who is vivacious, passionate, prayerful, tender, funny, smart, wild, sassy, gentle and yesss, 43.

I’m positioned for all the love that God wants to give me. And I say yes.

This invitation is for you as well.

Where might you let go of shame, self-pity or pride?

I strongly believe there’s something glorious waiting for you on the other side.

With that in mind, I often think that God is not simply trying to bring us back to the future…but into the Garden…

Wisdom’s Knocking: 

“The two of them, the Man and his Wife, were naked, but they felt no shame..”

-Genesis 2:19 (MSG)

To learn more about my work as a personal coach and how I might be able to support you, gently tap here.