Letting Love In.

This is still a little raw for me, but I wanted to let you in. 

You might have known that I took a 3 month social media sabbatical/rest late last year that carried into February of this year.

It was refreshing to say the least.

  However, I did it mostly because I was feeling dread, defeat, confusion and hopelessness in regards to my own romantic love journey.

  I had touted so bravely and earnestly that God invited me to wait “4 more years” in 2019 for what would be a love story so epic and extraordinary that it would be labeled MIRACULOUS. A love story that could have only been done by the work of God’s supernatural, gorgeous and strong hands.

  And that is why 2023 held so much promise for me.

  I stepped out of my comfort zone in more ways than I knew were possible for my heart’s capacity. Dating coaches, online dating, dating events, all while trying to stay anchored to who I was and what I truly desired.

  But I knew, this whole big love story was meant to “prove my faith” to myself.

  Let me explain that a bit.

  After my “dark night of the soul” in 2006, my faith in God was never quite the same.

  I was struck in a place so deep in my mind, body, and heart that I thought I might never recover from anxiety and fear.

  Supernatural prayers from loved ones and spiritual mentors are the sole reason I’m a functioning and contributing human to society today.

  But I still felt lonely.

  God, you said, “It’s not good for man to be alone….”

  My life partner was not on the scene, and so, I threw myself into local church community and allowed myself to be cared for, prayed for, hugged weekly and consistently.

  In that space, and in utter weakness, I also became a youth pastor.

  I loved love my spiritual kids and teens in a way that truly taught me about Christ’s “agape” love.

  I had nothing that I felt was concrete to give in and of myself but my presence, my humor, and my weakness. I needed to meet God as much as those teens did.

  I saw and experienced bonafide miracles. Things that cannot be explained by doctors or science alone – but were as real as you reading my words in your brain right now.

  And yet, I still wrestled with the mystery and love of God. Of Jesus.

  I couldn’t receive it all.

  I was stubborn.

  Resistance.

  And tense on the inside.

  But I continued to do the “good Christian girl” things: Church, serving the community, volunteering, praying, reading Scripture, worship, smiling at people who gave me the side eye, etc.

  Habits are often mindless,

  While disciplines are often mindful.

Yet, I believe God uses it all.

  Yes, love is in the giving of your heart away,

And love is made complete in the receiving of it consciously and intentionally.

Why is it so hard for us to receive love??

We crave it.

And yet we resist it –

  Both simultaneously.

  It’s a weird math equation.

  How do you know when you’ve truly received love?

You can acknowledge it with your mouth.

  Not just your heart.

  God has been ever patient with me. With us.

  My image of God shrank to simply a “side kick”.

  But I wasn’t acknowledging the power and expanse of God – how entire galaxies can fit on the tip of God’s finger. And even that analogy still falls short because God is beyond size and measure.

  And it is this expansive God who I have encountered personally as a young girl, who revealed Himself explicitly and profoundly through this incredible miracle, man and savior we call Jesus.

  The name holds weight.

  And yet, He’s so secure and not afraid of our wrestle.

  How??

  I’m afraid of my wrestle.

  My family is afraid of my wrestle.

  The church is often afraid of our wrestle.

  But He…He is not afraid of our wrestle.

  And for over a decade, I’ve been wrestling around the expanse and mystery of my Great Love.

  There is so much backlash in the world.

  So much unbelief.

  So much doubt.

  And yet, He is ever patient with me. With us.

  It’s the mystery for me.

  It’s the kicker.

  You mean, I can’t know all the reasons why??

  I won’t be able to figure it all out on this side of life??

  Even if I do this, that, and the next thing – it’s not a guarantee for me to “unlock  the mystery”?

  Oof.

But faith – trust, is the door that opens the portal to the supernatural. And to eternal wisdom –

Whoa. That’s heavy man.

And what helps us to trust and have actual faith amidst the mystery?

  Yes.

Love.

And so where does my heritage of love take me, invite me towards?

  Those have been the questions I’ve been holding and wrestling with consistently for over 15 years.

  And so, instead of confronting the Expanse, I agreed to a tangible miracle that would help me shake-off the mystery of this great God.

  If God could do something seemingly impossible, I could believe wholeheartedly again that God is real, loves me, and is for me. I could let love back in – the way in which I felt loved by God as a little girl.

The idea of my own love story had become the foundation and means for my faith.

  I couldn’t accept the mystery of God until I saw, like Thomas, hands shown to me.

  And so I bet everything “on black” in 2023 –

  And the miracle didn’t arrive.

  I was just as single as I had ever been.

And now, I had no where else to turn –

  No attractive, strong man’s arms to hide my own avoidance in.

  It was now just me and God.

  Face to face.

  My heart broken.

  When I returned to social media in February of this year, my first post was titled: “I WAS WRONG”.

  I shared my own embarrassment of writing publicly and believing that God was going to do something crazy and amazing in my love story by end of year 2023, only to be left sincerely confused.

  I had seen God do crazy supernatural things for others.

  Even with folks I had prayed with and for.

  Like some stuff that would blow your mind. (One example among *many: Doctors confirming that several women I prayed with and for could *not get pregnant. It was a fact. It was science. The data didn’t lie. AND yet these women would later get miraculously pregnant, and now I have pictures of some of those babies on my phone as a reminder that miracles do legitimately happen – more often than we think…)

But somehow, I had gotten it all wrong for me.

How??

  But I think the answer is coming to me as I face the Expanse.

  It’s the place the God has been waiting for me to get to, after all these years.

He’s not afraid of your brilliant mind or your thoughtful questions.

  But I think we are afraid of our own hearts encountering a real God.

  A true and mysterious God who highlights Jesus as vital.

  After I shared the, “I WAS WRONG” post – the wrestle continued and so did grace.

  So much grace.

  Maybe I’ll share more about that on a future podcast episode. (And yes, the pod will be coming back this year ;)

  But man, the GRACE.

  Can we just revisit the definition of grace right quick?

  Rather, the Bible’s definition of grace: “undeserved favor” – It can’t be earned and it is freely given to us by God.

  God’s heart posture towards you always, in this moment is that of GRACE.

  And now, I’m going to fast forward past fun and touchy facts like:

1. I won’t be teaching a film class at university this Fall – my class was inherited by a lovely, more tenure professor and there was some apprehension about my current teaching methods – however, 75% of my students from my last semester connected positively with me and the material and I was able to turn one student into a film “minor” – Well folks, my job here might be done. But teaching at the university level was one of the great gifts of my life.

2. How do I *succinctly answer, “What do you do?” – I don’t have that figured out yet, if you have any suggestions, please let me know. This is what I currently do for various means of income: TV/Live Events Dressing Room Supervisor, Certified Christian Somatic Coach for Highly Creative & Achieving Women, Content Creator for my Patreon, Instagram & Facebook channels / And this is what I do for free: Podcast Host, Prayer Team Volunteer, Trainee for Spiritual Care Team at Church, Country Line Dancer

  So of course, I’ve been wrestling with WHO AM I??

  It used to be so simple.

  When I was 11, I told people I wanted to be a lawyer.

  It sounded prestigious and succinct.

  I like the clarity of titles.

  But when you are a “creative” it’s like, please never ask me what I do at a dinner party, I’m still so confused myself…and in many cases, making less money than you think I am.

  So all this talk and chatter has been swirling deep in me for the last few weeks.

  I was just beginning to muster up enough courage to try and hop on a dating app again (I haven’t been on in 6 months…)

  But I had questions like, “What do I actually bring to the table as a woman in a romantic relationship besides student loans?”

  WHO AM I???

  But love has a way of calming you down, speaking truth to you and truly reminding you of who you are.

  There’s mystery and beauty in it all.

  When God is present.

  And so, I decided to ask a trusted guy friend of mine to share what he thought I might bring to the table as a woman for a future partner.

  I wanted to know my strengths but also my blind spots of goodness, weakness and shadows as seen from the perspective of a man.

  My heart had been in a drought.

  And I’m honestly not sure what compelled me to be so bold to ask him the question -- Other than, I really wanted to know his answer, because he is smart, kind, and honest.

  When I first read his answer, I ugly cried for a good 20 minutes.

It was the kindness of God to me in that moment.

Words that I wrote in my journal years ago about the type of woman I prayed to become, were reiterated back to me in that text message.

And I simply wanted to treasure it.

My healing work had produced tangible, noticeable ‘fruit’.

  I’ve asked him permission to share some of that text with you and he has graciously agreed.

  Ya’ll this is just too good:

“I think the shortest way I could possibly describe you as a woman is that you are a safe space. You as a person have single-handedly  created that for me. You are so obviously kind-hearted and welcoming and wholesome, you’ve just exuded it from the moment I met you. I knew you’d never judge me and you’d love me for who I am and I could trust you with my whole heart. All of these things have proven true over time but I got this overwhelming sense from the very start that’s the kind of person you are. You are my biggest hype woman and number one fan, you always shower me in compliments and it’s so uplifting. But the thing that ties it all together is how authentic you are. You’re incredibly vulnerable and honest and confident so I know that none of our interactions are insincere. I truly feel that you’ve meant every nice and loving thing you’ve ever said about me. I get the sense that comes from you being so well grounded and secure in who you are, it has eliminated any jealousy or competition or deceit from your being. And I think that is the most valuable thing anyone can provide a man. In my experience it’s incredibly hard to be vulnerable and open as a man, that’s just not how most men are raised to be. It takes a lot of work to develop that skill and it’s something I’m very much working on in my own life. But the right person can make it so much easier and you are one of those people. For a man to know that no matter what goes on in the world he will come home to an uplifting and supportive presence means more than you can imagine. Creating a safe space to be authentic is immensely valuable.

I think the above captures your biggest and best offering as a partner, but I would be remiss to not mention just a few of the other things…”

I know the immediate thought you might have now is, “When are you 2 getting married??” – That’s a natural and good question. However, I’m not in control of that.

Honestly, I’m still open to meeting and dating other guys that match and/or exceed this level of emotional intelligence, felt safety, kindness, and generosity.

Not every connection is a love connection and that’s okay. But the connection can still hold deep value.

  And to note, he’s not the only safe and kind guy that I know – I know, I might be a little bit spoiled here. And yes, kind and smart guys with depth might seem rare to you, but they are not extinct. I promise you that.

Good people still exist.

I promise.

And so now, here I am.

  In the Expanse.

  Slowly letting God’s love in again.

  The mystery, the pain, the faith – and the love.

  God may surprise you with the way He uses love to break down your walls and get to the true heart of the matter.  

The main story line was never about my future husband.

It was always about what I truly and deeply thought about God.

Letting Love in is looking quite differently than I thought.

  But I think it’s finally beginning again…

Wisdom’s Knocking:

We love because He first loved us.

~1 John 4:19 (ESV)

Gentle

     “He walked gently…even when he was young boy. He was just…………………… so special...”

     Her voice somehow lost in the air.  And then she got choked up.  I only heard the breeze of the light wind around us. She had to turn her face away from mine. I stared at her’s with compassionate intention.

     She was talking about my dad.

     Before Texas, there was Florida.

     I thought Texas was going to be a defining trip for me, but instead it was Florida. 

     We had another memorial service for my dad in Florida last month. A service for all his Florida family, friends, and classmates to attend—yes, his classmates.

     My dad had stayed friends with most of his childhood friends from elementary school, even after his family had picked up and moved to Southern California before his senior year of high school. My dad would remain connected. 

     The way in which my dad’s old classmates and friends would talk about him, was as if he was a daily force of kindness and encouragement to them— in ways that were just so powerful and personal, even after his departure from Florida.

     Imagine, more than 50 years after leaving elementary and high school, and your classmates weeping because of your loss.  What an impression to leave on people’s hearts. 

     I wasn’t prepared to hear how loved my dad was, even thousands of miles away from my home. 

     But it was exactly what my heart needed. 

     When she spoke about my dad, it finally clicked for my heart.  The specific way in which God had shed His love over my entire life thus far: “Gentleness”

     It was His way of guiding me and loving me and protecting me. 

     “And he passed in front of Moses, proclaiming, “The Lord, the Lord, the compassionate and gracious God, slow to anger, abounding in love and faithfulness, ” – Exodus 34:6

      “Or do you show contempt for the riches of his kindness, forbearance and patience, not realizing that God’s kindness is intended to lead you to repentance?” - Romans 2:4

     God knew what my wild heart would be like growing up. And trust me, I was bold and outspoken even then. 

     But my wild heart was tempered with a kind of gentleness that can only be authentically lived with, wrapping you up like a warm blanket on Christmas morning. Even in the midst of my resistance…

     My dad was a walking interpretation of gentleness.

     Doesn’t mean he never got angry, and it sure doesn’t mean he was perfect.

     But he was by far the most consistent and gentle man I’ve ever known in my entire life. 

     And when she said those words, amid the sturdy trees blowing in the wind, I realized for the first time in my life, that I had a gaping hole -- a gaping hole of gentleness (especially masculine gentleness) being active and embracing my life.

     Who would randomly call me during the week to say that they loved me? Or to simply “hear my voice”.

     Who would call me a “Jive Turkey” and “My Baby” in the same sentence?

     Who would whisper to me, “Do you need any gas money?”

     Or give this perpetual single girl her Valentine’s day card with a gift inside?

     Who would I talk to about NASA, space, and future technologies because he was a man that actually worked alongside scientists in his earlier years. 

     Who would now be my gentle champion in the flesh?

     And yes, all these questions made make me cry my eyes out.

     Even as I type this, I have actual snot bubbles coming out of my nose.

     But I need you to see how beautiful this all is.

     Number one. I’d rather feel than be numb.

     And number two. It’s in the struggle and in the pain that the real growth occurs, and I refuse to avoid this part.

     I left Florida feeling full and vulnerable. 

     I had spent a full weekend with 2 widows (one being my mother) and a fiery female minister. And it was one of the best weekends I’ve had in 2016. 

      I learned. I’m learning. And I’m listening.

     These women had such a sense of joy, even in the midst of grieving.  A sense of unquenchable life, even in the midst of death. Point blank: Jesus.

     All these women have an active relationship with God. Not in the, I just go to church occasionally type of way, but in the, “I talk to Him daily” type of way.  (Gimme dat life!)

     I used to tell my youth group, “Just because you walk into a garage, doesn’t make you a car. And just because you go to church, doesn’t make you a Christian.” 

     The truth is, being a Christian is an active, daily relationship with God. Where He not only becomes your best friend and heavenly Father, but Lord. Yeah, I never used to like that bit either, because that basically meant I was giving Him ultimate say-so in my life.

     But I would later find out, that my life was far richer and better when He was Lord over my life, rather than myself …with my limited view of things.

     But yo. being a Christian does not, let me repeat, does not mean your life will be all cupcakes. In fact, you’ll have to learn to fight, to be brave, to be courageous, to surrender, to trust, and of course to love like never before. But you’ll have a deep-seated peace that no one and nothing can take away from you.

     I’ll let you in on my secret:

     2 Things that have defined my relationship with God: 1. The Bible  2. God's Presence. 

     If you ever have a problem finding true North (because believe, there will be a lot of things trying to present themselves as the pathway throughout your life…), start reading the book of John in the Bible. And ask God to give you eyes to see and ears to truly hear what He want’s to speak to you in that particular season of your life.

     And secondly, start playing some worship music in your car occasionally. Talk about experiencing the presence of God! I could give you a TON of music recommendations across different genres (gospel, soft rockish, pop, etc.), but today, I’ll simply start with what I’ve listened to this past summer, the album: “Champion” by Bryan + Katie Torwalt. 

     Listen to the words—I mean, really listen to the words. Let them hit your heart. Let them become your prayers. And then if you’re really crazy, start singing along…to God. 

     And start doing it more and more and more and more.

     Because I have a feeling, that  you and I won’t make it in the days ahead, with all of life’s unforeseen challenges and surprises without knowing whole heartedly that God is with us, encouraging us, believing in us, and dreaming with us. (Plus, we tend to forget quite a bit regarding the faithfulness of God in our lives, if we aren’t engaged daily).

     You must know, 

     there’s more for you.

     There’s more for me.

     Especially in God. 

     You and I will never “arrive” or finish exploring and experiencing the richness of God while we are on earth. In fact, we are just scratching the surface. 

     Seriously though.

     Our relationship with God can go as deep as we want it to go…

     Wow. What a tangent.

     So yeah, Florida…

     It wrecked my heart in the best way.

     I got to sit in a hotel room and watch Hallmark movies with my mom, eat like a true Southerner, visit the church that is attached to my father’s legacy, and hear a woman talk about my dad walking gently.

     It put quite the perspective on the crushes that I had throughout 2016.

     Oh, you thought I wasn’t going to share my business? Who do you think I am?

     I had several crushes this year. None of which have panned out---or that would have been the first thing I would have SCREAMED to you over the internets. I AM DATING SOMEONE!!!! (I’m just practicing writing that, because why not...)

     Instead, I have a greater collection of beautiful Christian male friends. Because I need more hot Christian male friends like I need bad gas after eating macaroni and cheese.

     But alas, that has become my lot in life. Le struggle.

     But 2017, I’m looking at you:

     And I don’t feel at all bad for my single hot Christian male friends, because ya’ll know you could have married me or one of my other beautiful single friends like yesterday. But instead, we’ve all agreed on friendship, and it’s probably better this way, but it’s almost Christmas, and it’s “cuffing season” – so I’m feeling feisty and throwing things out in the atmosphere.

P.S. And to my hot Christian male friends new and old, can you at least introduce me to your other single friends if you’re not trying to date me? I mean, don’t be selfish. 

     And now with this present void of gentleness in my life, I’m trying to not act desperate (failinggg) and thirsty as the kids would say. 

     I’ve done quite a bit of traveling this year, and met many a kind soul. One man in particular caught my eye briefly, and it didn't hurt that he had an accent. He let his intentions toward me become known after a few days. And yes, he was a God-fearing man. He even threw a nice romantic gesture in my direction.

     My heart was vulnerable and open.

     I fly back home, only to discover via Facebook that he had/has a girlfriend. 

     Wow. So is this how grown-ups date in church life? You guys, I just can’t.

     Needless to say I was over it and the level of dishonesty. 

     And the lack of true gentleness in the matter.

     So here I am, back to square one. 

     Yes, I have another crush. #hejustnotthatintome

     And alas, we will become the best of buds. Because I’m fun, and I’m a good bud. And because I’ve had a great deal of practice at this whole thing…

     And yes, Texas was all kinds of beauty and awesome and pain.

     Two Engagements happened around me, while I was in Texas like one *right next to me. See the clip: HERE. 

     I mean, this is just becoming comical at this point.

     But I know you are dying to know about how my first time hearing Johnnyswim live was, while being in Texas, and visiting Magnolia Market and the “Silobration”. 

     And of course I’m gonna tell you ALL about it…in my next blog post, because this blog post has already gone too deep too fast… as per usual.  

     But I will say this about Texas.

     I met kindred hearts.

     I met gentle souls.

     And I most definitely cried. 

Wisdom’s Knocking:

“Here we go again making villains, out of lovers, lovers
Tearing down blue skies
Turning cloud nine into thunder, thunder
So complicated trying to love you with ease
Oh, we're dodging arrows that we think we see
Here we go again making villains out of lovers, lovers, lovers
Ooo, out of each other

Oh babe, we'll find a way
I want to love you everyday
I don't want to throw our love away
I don't want to fight our love away
I don't want to fight this love away

Don't you wanna be my lover?”

-- Johnnyswim

Beloved

     

Photo Credit: Hannah Anderson

     Have you ever been called this?

     I mean, I love hearing this word. It's probably one of my most favorite words ever.

     If you've been to a Christian church, chances are you've heard this word from the preacher as he quotes Scripture to the listeners.

     It's such a tender word of endearment, but often it's glossed over in the other deep and meaningful spiritual jargon surrounding it.

     But even now, I'm taking the time to let this word wash over me. The fact that God in all his power and might, looks at humanity and calls us Beloved, a people worthy of love, of life, of laughter, of peace--I find that utterly amazing, especially after seeing the potential for destruction that we all possess in our hearts and in our choices given the circumstances.

     Nevertheless, the potential of great love is also carved within us as God breathes life into us; and as we surrender to this great love. And again I repeat, surrender is probably the hardest thing that we will continually do in our lifetime here on earth.

     There's something about terms of endearment. Most people in intimate relationships adapt cute nicknames for their significant other: Baby, Honey, Sweet Thang, Bubba, etc. It's an earnest way to express love, especially if you best receive love with Words of Affirmation. And even if your top love language isn't Words of Affirmation, we know all too well the power of words and how they affect our hearts and minds.

     Terms of endearment constantly desire to confirm intimacy and relationship.

     Sure, your words can become empty, but that is simply a tell-tale sign that you have not taken the time to get filled. And I don't mean filled by another person, I mean filled by an endless well of love, the One who called you Beloved first.

     How would your life change, if you started addressing your enemies as Beloved in your heart? Well, I'm starting to learn.

     I myself am working through some unresolved bitterness this week. This person isn't exactly an enemy, but I have made them one in my heart because of disappointment.

     Okay, look. There actually was someone, a person. Okay, a man person that I had a small crush on towards the end of the year. And as things would have it, I became disappointed because he so kindly put me in the "Friendzone", but in a very passive way.

     I don't think I realized the depth of my disappointment and embarrassment until yesterday. I'm serious. Often when we are attacked with depression or anxiety, the root can be unresolved disappointment and/or unforgiveness issues (even aimed towards one's self). Disappointment can lead to bitterness that can lead to a mistrust of everything and everyone, and if everything and everyone unsettles you, anxiety can stroll on in without a fight. Not to mention you feel out of control or unable to control anything which brings us back to my favorite (not favorite) word: Surrender.

     Everyone will have to surrender to something at some point. And I'm choosing to surrender to the One calling me out of the dark forest.

     So right now, I'm practicing hearing God call me Beloved, as I make my way home.

     And as He calls me Beloved, I sing it right back to Him.

     And invite you to do the same.

Wisdom's Knocking:

There's no sweeter sound, than that of the one

who loves you most, saying your name.

(I just cried watching this again:)