“You gotta keep growing, honey…”
My mother, thousands of miles away, still knew how to say the right things.
I was ugly crying on a FaceTime call with my mom in the parking lot of the 99 Cents Store.
It had all been coming to a head.
I had been wrestling with the idea of Comfort vs. Purpose.
Everyone claims that they are after a life of security and comfort, but I don’t think that’s true. I think everyone is searching for purpose--the way in which they are meant to give their life away to someone and to something bigger than themselves.
But that thought is so counter to our culture.
Because you are supposed to go after yours, and chase things and money; and I’m suppose to be in a separate corner doing the same thing. Which we are told will lead to a life of great comfort and satisfaction. And there we are, in our separate corners of the world, alone. Together.
Together alone.
But each of us knows folks in higher circles than our own who have the desired life of riches and comfort, and yet they lack the motivation and joy to get out of bed in the morning. And depression doesn’t merely hover, but is their lifestyle and language. All the things of security prove themselves as things, merely lifeless without connection to something truly meaningful.
The things in our lives should tell stories.
And these stories should reflect who we are and how we love.
These things should remind us to stay humble.
Because things can always be taken away.
But mostly, things will never be the sustainer of our joy and peace, but can enhance the love and the stories you are already telling. Without the ingredients of love, things begin to own us, circumstances deplete our sense of identity, and we feel barren inside.
So I continued to wrestle with this concept of comfort vs. purpose. But in all honesty, it was rhetorical, because I already knew the answer to the question I was *not asking.
What am I made for?
Just comfort? Or Purpose?
I never knew a brave and inspirational soul becoming the essence of those attributes, because they chose to stay comfortable, or play it safe. No instead, they were risk takers, faith leapers, waterfall jumpers.
And I feel most at home (and nervous) in their company.
So for the last year, I’ve been mulling over with God a possible move. A move that would cause me to be uprooted, but could be the making of me.
But God knows that I’m a turtle.
Like, I need an idea dropped in my heart. Then I need to think and pray about, then a few days or weeks later, I’ll write about. Then I’ll pray about it some more. I’ll talk to some friends about it. I’ll daydream about. Talk to some more trusted friends about it. And then lay it down. Forget about it. And then 10 months later, I’ll start crying, because in my heart, I know that my whole world is about to be turned upside down.
Big change is coming.
I’m all for taking incredible risks with God.
Note, “With God”.
For me that includes, “Following my peace”.
That sense of…”Mmm, this feels right, I don’t know why…but it feels life-giving, hopeful, and promising. Even when there are no guarantees…”
But if I feel in my gut, “stranger danger”. I’m not going to make a rash move. No matter how good it looks on paper.
“You want something fulfilling…” She says.
My mom said it before I could even finish my words. But I didn’t need to.
She nailed it.
Because living in purpose brings your heart comfort.
Funny how when you stop chasing the wrong thing, the right stuff finds you.
Because over the weekend, I sent in my first (of possibly many) job application to an out of state company.
I literally woke up saying this on Saturday morning:
“Pray for Victoria. Now. And send your resume. Right now.”
Honestly, I was still half asleep. I wasn’t quite sure if I was talking to myself or if I was delusional. But these two seemingly ‘random’ thoughts came out of the blue. I wasn’t thinking about either prior to going to bed or even during the week. But I followed my peace.
I prayed.
Went to the website.
And sent my resume and completed application.
I looked at my computer screen confused.
Um. What just happened?
But for the first time in months, I felt as though I could breath.
Coming back to a sense of risk, adventure and more importantly—purpose.
I’ve been thinking of teenagers a lot, and how much I adore them, and how over half of my life has been dedicated to loving them, praying with them, comforting them, crying with them, and dreaming with them.
And no matter where I go, I’ll always make time to pour into their lives. I wonder what that might look like in the future? But there will be a future…
And then I think of all the beautiful single women (and men) who have had the hardest year of their lives, and you just want to curl up in ball and forget about life. But I can’t wait to hear of the ‘praise reports’, in the months and years to come. Because you may be in your own personal Winter, but Summer will come for you. Just prepare your heart.
Because for every person that reads my blog and shares this journey with me, you better believe I’m holding you close in my heart and in my prayers.
But you have to keep growing.
Or else you become stagnant.
And then you’ll simply chase after comfort to appease the sense of wanting security, or for things to go back to the way they were.
But we cannot remain in or duplicate the past or get stalled in the present. But rather, we can wholeheartedly embrace with open hearts and gratitude those moments in our lives-- validating both the present and the past.
Of which the stories in our personal lives—both the defeats and victories, serve as our new and sturdy foundation--like that of beautiful, thick and sturdy marble flooring, as we look to our 100 mile-high ceiling in our life’s mansion.
There is much more in store for you, you just need to look up.
Photo of The Abbey Church of Saint Peter and Saint Paul taken by Stephen Inglis
Will you choose comfort or purpose?
The trick is…one leads to the other. And one cancels out the other. #riddles
So I’m going to surrender to this process.
And I’m going to expectantly wait to see what doors God will open.
And which doors He will shut.
But what I do know, is that there is no room for stalling.
I don’t want to hinder purpose or love.
And some of the best things in our lives are there because we chose to step out of our comfort zone.
What an incredible thought.
Speaking of stalling and “out of my comfort zone”. I know you got half way down this post, and thought, “Yo, what’s up with Mr. Man Crush Person? That’s what we really want to know about.” I don’t blame you. I wanna know too. Ha!
But I haven’t heard anything from him. Sooooooo…
Yeah.
That’s our update for now. And perhaps that’s an answer in and of itself.
Yes. Not what I was hoping for. But I made a new friend. Sooo. Yay?
Meanwhile, I’m trying to keep my heart open in general. Because, like, what if I meet someone at the grocery store or at a baseball game? I have friends that have gotten married on such premises. So, it’s not out of the realm of possibility, for any of us.
But of course, I like when the odds seem impossible.
I’m like Jim Carrey in Dumb and Dumber…
”What are my chances?”
“Not good.”
“You mean, not good like one out of a hundred?”
“I’d say more like one out of a million.”
“[long pause while he processes what he's heard] So you're telling me there's a chance. YEAH!”
Yep. That pretty much sums me up.
Optimistic until the bitter end.
Mr. Man Crush Person seems incredibly interesting to me. And I’d love to understand how he came to be—why he is who he--his journey thus far.
There is still space there. There is an open space for my crush to occupy.
If he wants to enter into my crazy life, he’s more than welcomed to.
But perhaps he’s already occupied. We never discussed anything other than some surface level things. Maybe I’m overstepping boundaries. And maybe he’s already committed to someone. And if so, I graciously bow out. Hashtag Not-a-homewrecker.
However, I have to surrender it all, or I find myself obsessing in the mystery of it. You know how we do. All the daydreams. All the what-ifs.
So yes, I’m still riding this crush out.
Even if it’s to the undesired end.
Meanwhile, I’m trying to get my life together.
Which this week means: Lots of tears, prayers, and no more stalling.
Wisdom’s Knocking:
“But those who wait for the Lord [who expect, look for, and hope in Him] shall change and renew their strength and power; they shall lift their wings and mount up [close to God] as eagles [mount up to the sun]; they shall run and not be weary, they shall walk and not faint or become tired.”
-- Isaiah 40:31 (AMP)
Blog Extra:
Link: https://youtu.be/KX5jNnDMfxA