I’ve been so incredibly impressed by you all--
Especially in this season of life, where I see so many of my friends stepping out in faith.
I have a good friend who just went on an almost-month-long trip overseas by herself, to simply explore and live. Not to mention, she’s a kick butt career woman and one of the most creative folks I know.
I have another beautiful friend who, after another fake date, told her good friend of many years, Mr. Man, that she was ready for more.
So brave.
Then there’s my tenacious friend who in all her nervousness and tears stood up to her tyrannical boss and found her voice. Unleashing a new found boldness and a cry for justice. And ultimately she gained the freedom and purpose she was so desperately looking for.
And then I have another friend, who is an extraordinary dancer, who after almost a decade of dancing with the same dance (and romantic) partner, is now finding her own steps again--Or rather, her own dance inspiration again. And what a beautiful story her life is telling now.
I’m in awe at the way in which you all choose to step forward, in the midst of the pain, the defeat, and the ongoing battle.
Something that is seemingly meant to crush us. But doesn’t.
It somehow makes us more of who we are meant to be.
If we let it.
I often want to push against discomfort and disappointment.
Like, “La-la-la-la, I’m fine, you’re fine, we’re all fine. Isn’t this just FINE. Great. Perfect. Let’s be just FINE together. And ignore the bleeding coming out of my emotional forehead.”
But ignoring things doesn’t make them better.
Nor does staring at a boiling pot of water make it boil faster.
Point being.
You have to learn how to still live and dance in the moments of the crush.
And watching you all in your bravery around me, is showing me how to do just that.
You may think no one is watching, but we are.
And you’re teaching us something profound with your actions and your attitudes.
Life or death.
Faith or fear.
Love or Indifference.
And then I get little winks from heaven.
Do you know what I mean?
When you feel that God sees you, and gets you, and you have your own private inside joke or secret between you and heaven.
I’ll let you in on one of mine:
Remember my blog post, “Genesis” back in February of this year?
I was devastated and heartbroken---and I randomly went off on a tangent, like I always do, but I happened to mention the movie “Baby Boom”, starring Diane Keaton. And how this movie encompassed my previous hopes and dreams for love and career in the midst of me facing utter defeat. For some reason, I had been reconnecting with that movie for the last 8 or so months. I didn’t quite know why—I just did.
Fast forward to the beginning of June of this year, just a few weeks ago—and I happen to work on a show strictly honoring Diane Keaton (!!!), see clips of Baby Boom and hear the Baby Boom theme song throughout my time working on this show. Oh… and I meet her.
UM. WHAT.
This is what I mean, when I say “winks from heaven”.
Seemingly random. But not.
A little big statement that spoke to my heart. That I’m seen and my heart’s desires are valid. Even in the big scheme of things.
Do you feel me?
Also, in case you’re curious, these “winks from heaven” are not just for me, they’re for you as well. It’s just a matter of seeing.
So funny, I mentioned a variety of things in my last blog post, but what I got asked about the most was, “Soooo….Who is this new crush??”
I feel so honored.
You’re just as invested as I am now. Ha!
But thank you. Truly.
However, you’ve been warned.
As you know, crushes often have a way of coming back around and crushing you.
But you and I have each other.
So we’ll just have to ride this one out.
I almost hesitate to give voice to the fact that I do have a legitimate crush.
My track record of having a crush has pretty much always ended in defeat. We are talking 0 for 100 here. Consistent—if anything else.
But there is something to be learned and gained by each passing crush—attributes that I come to admire, or traits that I realize I would never want to live with. So to all my past crushes, I thank you. Sincerely I do.
You’ve helped me to realize what I really want, and what I really… do not want.
This is huge.
So thank you for those lessons.
But now I’m a bit restless.
I admired my crush from afar, and I was hoping once I got closer, he would have atrocious breath or sound like Mickey Mouse.
Or worse he would ‘show me’ who he really was within first ten minutes of our conversation, and prove to be a fraud or a jerk.
But nope.
His life-filled eyes piercing my soul deep in conversation only brought me comfort.
And I kept thinking…I just want to remember this moment as it is. I just want to soak up every nano second and molecule of this moment in time. Because it felt so peaceful and honest. And not full of pretense.
But in my mind, I still looked at him with one eye closed.
As most of you know, I was bamboozled at the beginning of this year, by a man almost ready to sweep me off my feet…until the truth of who he was, was radically exposed. With that said, I’m still a bit leery when it comes to attentive and kind men.
Which if you think about it, is a horrible thing to say and feel.
I mean, when someone is being kind and attentive to me in person, I’m now a bit suspicious. Ugh. I know. So dumb.
So I tried to cut our conversation short.
It was really a self-preservation tactic.
I didn’t want to risk or face being disappointed or worse—me disappointing him in some sort of way. So I wanted to freeze-frame that moment as it was.
Sweet, cordial, sa--
And before I could think about it, words just flew out of my mouth. “Wanna dance?”
I’m sorry. What Patrice? What did you just let fly out of your mouth??
Can we reverse that?
Oh wait, this isn’t DVR, this is real life. I sometimes get it confused nowadays.
He looked a little nervous when I asked, and I felt as though I had already jumped off the cliff.
But there we were.
He led.
And I followed.
And then we danced.
I honestly cannot remember anything of the dance itself, or the second dance, because it all felt so surreal. I was dancing with someone I had admired from afar for months. And it felt oddly familiar.
Back when I first saw him, months ago, I honestly never thought I’d see him again. Like ever.
But I did.
And here we are.
He’s kind.
Much kinder than I expected.
But it’s just a crush everyone.
I know very little about him.
To note: I prefer crushes that live either out of the country or out of the state. (We can analyze this later) – and staying true to form, this crush lives nowhere near me.
Will we see each other again?
Perhaps.
It’s all very loose and unconfirmed.
And more importantly, he’s not really tryna holla at me. I think he’s giving me the “bro vibe” if anything-- *insert eye rolls*
So maybe at some point during the summer there may be another meet n’ greet.
But nothing fully concrete or pursued on his end.
And as you know, I’m old school.
I prefer a bit of pursuit and a healthy amount of intention when it comes to a man I’m interested in.
And if I don’t feel a sense of pursuit or intention, I tend to take that as, you are willing for another man to date me and swoop me up, because you’re not interested yourself.
Fair enough.
But it’s always the space in between.
The waiting and the unrest. The crushing.
It could be as simple as me asking him what he thinks about all this romance business. But I don’t think my heart is ready for that step just yet.
So we’ll just ride this out.
Moment by moment.
But somehow, I’ll let this be the making of me.
I’ll choose to not be bitter no matter what the outcome.
And inevitably I’ll learn something new.
I’ll choose to remain grateful.
Grateful that my heart is still resilient.
That my heart still chooses to hope and believe.
And more importantly, that my heart still chooses to be open to love.
To the man that is my current crush:
Thank you.
You are teaching me far more than you’ll ever know.
And to all you other brave souls out there, in the midst of a battle, heartache, or disappointment, just remember, this year is still laced with beautiful promises yet to be fulfilled.
There are good, good things waiting for you to behold—people, places, and things, all for you to see and grasp with your hands.
I know this in my bones, because God is a good, good Father.
Just keep looking out for those winks from heaven to spur you on forward.
Knowing that with God, you are never alone.
This year will not crush us, but rather, will cause us to rise like never before.
Because goodness and mercy are following us all the days of our lives.
Yes. Goodness and mercy are following you all the days of your life.
I love you.
Love well.
Now go and be brave.
Wisdom’s Knocking:
“I was in a daze, movin' in the wrong direction
Feelin' that I'd always be the lonely one
Then I saw your face, on the edge of my horizon
Whisperin' that I wasn't the only one
The lonely one [...]
Not the only one
I'm not the only one…”
--“Not the Only One” – Bonnie Raitt (written by Paul Brady)
Video Link: https://youtu.be/Gw8wJQi05Ws