Photo Credit: Jennifer Glasgow
I often wonder...
Would I recognize you if you were right in front of my face?
Would I have the courage to say yes to you if you asked me?
Last month, I was minding my own business. I was just living life.
My mom and I popped into one of our favorite joints, "Coco's Bakery Restaurant".
Nothing was too out of the ordinary, except for the fact that I was wearing a dress. Nothing special. Just a dress.
My mom and I were just about finished with our meal, when two men arrived and were seated right behind my mom.
They seemed normal enough, but I could tell, one kept trying to catch glimpses of my table every few minutes. But I carried on my conversation and quality time with my mom as if I hadn't noticed the stares at all.
And then finally, mom and I were done with our meal and our girl talk. Mom had to go freshen up in the bathroom before we were meant to leave.
I felt a little bit nervous. Because I knew...as soon as she was out of sight...
--The man that had been staring at my table in a non-stealthy way, jumped up from his meal and walked up to me, before I could run away.
"Excuse me--Excuse me--"
I simply respond with a gentle, "Hi."
"Are you married??...."
I grin. "No. I'm not."
"Do you have a boyfriend?..."
I keep smiling. "No. I don't."
"Well...can I take you home and marry you?"
My smile becomes a look of amusement.
"Um. Wow. Um. No. I'm so sorry. (Note: I always feel like apologizing when I turn someone down...I understand the risk they just took...and I respect their hustle, their courage to approach and put it all out there--) I actually have to go. But that was incredibly sweet. Thank you so much.
"But seriously. Can I take you home and marry you?"
And now, I gracefully try to back out of this encounter.
Mom has begun to arrive back on the scene.
"But can I get your number?..."
"No...I'm sooo sorry..."
He looks disappointed. Gives me a sad smile and sits back down with his friend at the table.
My mom caught the end of that interaction.
She just gives me this look that says..."Mmmhmm. You get it from your mama..."
But then I start thinking, what made me turn him down immediately, without even giving him a true shot. I often talk about how I simply want to be pursued. But pursuit means nothing when passion can't be matched by my own feelings.
I mean, if I'm gonna get real...honestly speaking, someone else was occupying my heart at the time. No, not a boyfriend. But someone...
And when I have someone in mind, someone on my heart, no one else--no matter how good looking and eloquent they are stands a chance.
But the day wasn't over.
That same day. Someone that I had worked with weeks ago, texts me out of the blue.
"I want to take you to dinner..."
What the what.
I am not lying when I tell you, I have not had a man act so romantically intentional towards me in such a gentleman-like way in close to 7 years. Serious.
And so...I did something I haven't done in close to 7 years.
I said yes....
Was my heart still occupied by another?
Yes.
But this "other" was occupied with many others, and not yet ready to grow up.
And I've fostered way too many faux dating relationships with guy friends in the past, that never had any intentions of loving me whole-heartedly.
---
So that day, I chose to be open.
And so I said yes, to this guy. We haven't yet had our date. I'll let you know if and when we actually do. He's currently traveling with work, but when we are both in the same city, we'll try and make something happen.
The idea of putting myself out there towards someone I'm not completely feeling a connection to, feels a bit exhausting. That's why I chose not to in the past. But this time, I just choose to surrender again.
And yes, I do feel a little bit weary. It's been harder than I thought to hope again.
But it's not impossible.
I don't know if I've made all the wisest decisions in 2012. In fact, I know I haven't. But the grace and love of God is...and has proven to be...Beyond.
It's beyond anything I could have ever hoped for or imagine. And continues to meet me in this place of waiting.
The literal dream I had of my mystery man still lingers in the atmosphere above my head. And I wonder...has he dreamed of me as well?...Is he right around the corner or already in my life? Is he full of love right now or is he stuck in a cycle of pain and hurt?
Time will tell.
Things are not always as they seem.
The prelude is now giving way to the full story. And in the midst...
I often wonder...
Would I recognize you if you were right in front of my face?
Would I have the courage to say yes to you if you asked me?
Wisdom's Knocking:
"Trust in the Lord with all your heart
and lean not on your own understanding;
in all your ways submit to Him,
and He will make your paths straight." -Proverbs 3:5-6