Yesterday I spent New Year's Eve at Disneyland. It wasn't quite the nightmare that some of you are imagining. But granted, I don't have kids, so my ninja multitasking skills weren't being exhausted while soaking in the magic of Walt's imagination.
I was a bit nervous in going. I was still feeling a bit out of sorts as described in my last post, but I decided to push through.
I could still feel a bit lightheaded in the way of not feeling completely grounded in my own skin. It's such a bizarre feeling. That feeling is even more intensified by the sea of humanity walking past and around you every second you move through an amusement park, things start to get a bit surreal. But I could almost feel something fighting within my soul to stay present, attentive, and engaged. It was a challenge to say the least.
But it was something about seeing the faces and smiles of small children that began to melt my heart and do something for my spirit.
It also helped immensely that I had a dear sister-friend with me yesterday. Someone who knows me, knows my heart, and knows my struggles. She's someone who has also had to face her own mortality in specific ways. As we conversed throughout the day, she continued to set an atmosphere of peace around me and was simply with me.
I used to pride myself greatly on my sense of independence and prowess. My commanding attitude and all around confidence. But I never realized that these traits were a gift, in many ways an inheritance. But it has become more and more apparent to me that gifts do not equal the whole of a person's identity. These gifts can be an expression of sorts, but it is not the bottom line.
And the bottom line is, we are defined by God's great love for us. That His love is real. More real than anything we've come in contact with in this finite world.
Our self perception is often distorted, and we need the truth and love of sincere others to remind us and show us who we really are. We often can express our gifts easily but it takes the love of others to reveal our true hearts. That is why love is an exchange and an ever moving force. It's not stagnant and doesn't simply stare and evaluate itself in the mirror. It moves, reflects, and breathes.
I'm a bit embarrassed to say that I've chased fame, ambition, and accolades in these recent years. I've endured defeat and shame at the hands of my own prideful mindsets and goals. But this year, is truly different.
It is.
I woke up this morning finally starting to feel like a real human being. One capable of existing and living and loving eternally. I am convinced that those of you praying for me have made the difference.
I commit this blog afresh to my dear family and friends that are spread across the entire globe. This blog is way for me to connect with them and those that have dared to love me and whom I greatly love and admire.
As this blog officially enters 2014, I pray that my journey continues to resonates with other thirsty hearts.
Love you.
Wisdom's Knocking:
"Wake human hearts,
Our hunger's got to take us further,
Only You can take us further..."
- Eric Brandon, "Trouble"
You can here the song here: