Master Manipulator

     

     The things we do to be seen. My Lord.

     And I'm often aware that us girls can be master manipulators.

     So my prayer constantly is: "Lord, help me get out of my own way..."

     Not too long ago, I orchestrated something, in the hopes that when the picture of the event went live online, a particular person--No, A particular man would see it, then comment on it. And would then see me in a different light.

     And then...he would be so enamored by my sense of adventure, my ability to have such rich friendships, and such an exciting and enticing life...

     He'd then be curious about me and would feel compelled to get to know me and date me.

     And then love me.

     And then marry me.  Naturally.

     How could he not?

     End of story.

     I know, I know.

     It's embarrassing to share.

     So all parties involved in today's "adventure" were for the most part used by me, to facilitate this grand scheme of sorts.

     Lame.  Believe me, I'm aware.

     And my apologies to all parties involved. Although, they probably don't know who they are...because I'm often that good. Ugh. I know. Horrible.

     The overall point being.....anything that I try to produce out of my own manipulative striving and selfish gain ends up being wack-tastic. A fleeting and cheap regifting and regurgitation of the real thing.

     But anything I let God do and begin to orchestrate through a sense of trust and rest ends up becoming a gift of eternal weight, and a blessing beyond what I could have ever imagined--and not just for myself, but for all parties involved.

      And that's what I want---truly.

     The lasting gift-- not the temporary half-baked gift...on loan.

     So my prayer again tonight is: "Lord, help me get out of my own way..."

     And not be such a dang clever master manipulator.

     And to have patience for the real thing...

     The end.

Wisdom's Knocking:

"The chief means of resisting manipulation is humility – knowing who we really are and facing it. 

You can only serve by love. You can only love by choice. 

True love cannot be the result of decree, force or manipulation."

- Gayle D. Erwin

Love

     How will you know it's right, when it happens for you? They always say you'll "Just know". Well, I think I'm gaining some clues and insight...

Wisdom's Knocking:

"Love spurs us on to be the best and truest version of ourselves." 

How to Heal From a Broken Heart

     

     In many ways it seemed doomed from the beginning. But he was cheeky. He was hot. And he wanted me. Three of my favorite traits in a man.

     I ignored the still small voice telling me to just walk away. I was hard-headed, stubborn, and I needed wanted to see this thing through somehow. You know, when you just want to see how the movie ends for yourself. And sometimes, no amount of sage advice can steer your course otherwise.

     But be prepared, because experience is an often cruel professor.

     I knew I was taking a risk, I knew that if I ignored the gentle voice of caution for too long, there was going to be a crash and burn. We were like fire, he and I.

     With him, there were a lot of firsts --first dates by the pier, first embraces under the stars, first kisses on the hillside...and lots of laughs and silliness.

     Oh, how I wanted to be hopeful.

     And then the day finally happened when I chose to give my heart over, knowing that it wasn't completely in safe hands. "But if only I give him more time to change, we'd be happier--I'd be happier."

     Pause.

     See that was my flaw.

     Waiting to get happy, instead of already being happy.

     And my second flaw:

     Trying to change a man.

     Ladies & Gentlemen:

     We do not change people. We do not control people. And what you see is often what you get.

     And any change or control that you have manipulated or forced onto someone's life, is often an illusion and won't be sustained for the long term.

     If there is any changing to be had, let God author it in their lives. The chances of  that change being sustained is far greater.

     "The first time someone shows you who they are, believe them." - Maya Angelou

     That goes for both the good and bad...

     And then we crashed and burned.

     He cheated and now there was a baby involved. Hers.

     And I spent my nights crying and heaving and crying some more. My heart was utterly and sincerely broken. That was brand new and all kinds of awful for me.

     My tender heart was now thorny and raw.

     So this is what they meant when they talked of a broken heart.

     But I didn't want to look gray, nor did I want to feel like it for the rest of my life.

     And slowly, weeks and months pass, a letter comes from him. Sincere and apologetic, but expressed everything that I had already known beforehand. We were never truly meant to be together.

     And the second blow of heart break pounds my chest, sending reverberations like questions in a mathematician's mind. Why did it all have to figure out like this?

     But replaying and asking questions that were neither here nor there, wouldn't lead me to what I was lacking in the first place, a mature understanding love.

     And then the days became weeks, and the weeks became months and so on, and so forth.

     And my brokenness would soon lead to relief, freedom, and renewed hope.

     Healing came. And so did love.



     And now, I'm so grateful to share with you How I Healed From A Broken Heart: 


Forgive:

     This was honestly my very first step. I didn't feel any emotion when I did it in my bedroom by myself, but it was important to get the words out and let my heart follow suit when it was ready.

     Forgiveness is not about excusing or justifying the behavior that this person did to you, but instead, forgiveness sets you free from carrying the burden of hatred. Which by the way takes up far more energy than you would believe!


Talk it Out:

     Having 1 or 2 key people that you can simply share your heart with is key. These are the folks that will just listen and not try to figure everything out for you. And once you're done talking it out. Then talk it out again.

     Each time you talk it out, ask yourself what you're learning about your own heart from the words that you are sharing.

Release & Pray:

     There's so many times when we just don't understand. Why? Why? Why?

     And when it comes to the many layers of a broken heart, one must be prepared to truly release the pain and give it over to God.

    You may find yourself grabbing the pain back once in a while, simply because it was your comfort tool, but just keep releasing. It will be worth it.

Connect/Re-Connect With Those Things You Loved to Do:

     Do you remember you? If not, you're about to go on a journey of recollection and discovery.

     In fact, we all are discovering --what's been there in us, what's still there in us,  and what will continue to be there in our hearts.


And Believe for Better:

     If you can't begin to believe, see, or agree for something hopeful, you'll most likely not recognize or walk away from a truly hopeful adventure and go back into the arms of your painful past cycles.

     Much like how an abused woman will often find/attract another abuser until she starts to believe that she truly is worth more and deserves better.

     You heart is worth so much more than you know. And there's someone out there that truly knows this to be a fact as well as a gift they want to cherish.

     And the first someone who should embrace this revelation... is yourself.

Wisdom's Knocking: 

“Suffering has been stronger than all other teaching, 

and has taught me to understand what your heart used to be. 

I have been bent and broken, but - I hope - into a better shape.” 

 ― Charles Dickens, Great Expectations

The Lioness

This is a love letter to my mother, Lucille:


How do you let go and hold tight at the same time,

There's love in the palm of your hand.

Early memories, come up from behind like a shawl and cover my shoulders causing me to stand tall.

Like you.

Standing tall.

Kindness never looked so fierce,

And I never felt stronger crying in your midst.

I'm your treasure, you say to me, but you're, you're--

You're my mother.

And that makes me believe.

In good things. In great things.

It makes me believe I can fly and other impossible things more than 7 times a day.

I am so proud to be your daughter.

And we learn from each other,

Patience, trust, careful inspection of dreams.

And you just won't stop believing.

One can get weary without a mother.

And you've always made sure to give me rest.

You always make it light and easy. You just do.

I appreciate you now, and I'll appreciate you then.

When my babies ask how I know how to hold them the way that I do, I'll tell them the truth.

God gave me a mother, named Lucille,

To look after me, so I would know how to look after you.

And that has made all the difference.

Many differences, changes, roads, and turns.

Yes, love has been a journey for me, and it began in many ways with you.

Strong and tender with resolve unmatched. Peace abounding and love overflowing.

Great grandma was right...

Your's is a life that will be forever on this earth and heavenly realms resounding.

Happy Birthday, My Lioness! 

I love you, Mom.

Human Being

   

     Yesterday I spent New Year's Eve at Disneyland. It wasn't quite the nightmare that some of you are imagining. But granted, I don't have kids, so my ninja multitasking skills weren't being exhausted while soaking in the magic of Walt's imagination.

     I was a bit nervous in going. I was still feeling a bit out of sorts as described in my last post, but I decided to push through.

     I could still feel a bit lightheaded in the way of not feeling completely grounded in my own skin. It's such a bizarre feeling. That feeling is even more intensified by the sea of humanity walking past and around you every second you move through an amusement park, things start to get a bit surreal. But I could almost feel something fighting within my soul to stay present, attentive, and engaged. It was a challenge to say the least.

     But it was something about seeing the faces and smiles of small children that began to melt my heart and do something for my spirit.

     It also helped immensely that I had a dear sister-friend with me yesterday. Someone who knows me, knows my heart, and knows my struggles. She's someone who has also had to face her own mortality in specific ways. As we conversed throughout the day, she continued to set an atmosphere of peace around me and was simply with me.

     I used to pride myself greatly on my sense of independence and prowess. My commanding attitude and all around confidence. But I never realized that these traits were a gift, in many ways an inheritance. But it has become more and more apparent to me that gifts do not equal the whole of a person's identity. These gifts can be an expression of sorts, but it is not the bottom line.

     And the bottom line is, we are defined by God's great love for us. That His love is real. More real than anything we've come in contact with in this finite world.

     Our self perception is often distorted, and we need the truth and love of sincere others to remind us and show us who we really are. We often can express our gifts easily but it takes the love of others to reveal our true hearts. That is why love is an exchange and an ever moving force. It's not stagnant and doesn't simply stare and evaluate itself in the mirror. It moves, reflects, and breathes.

     I'm a bit embarrassed to say that I've chased fame, ambition, and accolades in these recent years. I've endured defeat and shame at the hands of my own prideful mindsets and goals. But this year, is truly different.

     It is.

     I woke up this morning finally starting to feel like a real human being. One capable of existing and living and loving eternally. I am convinced that those of you praying for me have made the difference.

     I commit this blog afresh to my dear family and friends that are spread across the entire globe. This blog is way for me to connect with them and those that have dared to love me and whom I greatly love and admire.

     As this blog officially enters 2014, I pray that my journey continues to resonates with other thirsty hearts.

     Love you.

Wisdom's Knocking: 

"Wake human hearts, 

Our hunger's got to take us further,

Only You can take us further..."

- Eric Brandon, "Trouble"

You can here the song here: