Gentle

     “He walked gently…even when he was young boy. He was just…………………… so special...”

     Her voice somehow lost in the air.  And then she got choked up.  I only heard the breeze of the light wind around us. She had to turn her face away from mine. I stared at her’s with compassionate intention.

     She was talking about my dad.

     Before Texas, there was Florida.

     I thought Texas was going to be a defining trip for me, but instead it was Florida. 

     We had another memorial service for my dad in Florida last month. A service for all his Florida family, friends, and classmates to attend—yes, his classmates.

     My dad had stayed friends with most of his childhood friends from elementary school, even after his family had picked up and moved to Southern California before his senior year of high school. My dad would remain connected. 

     The way in which my dad’s old classmates and friends would talk about him, was as if he was a daily force of kindness and encouragement to them— in ways that were just so powerful and personal, even after his departure from Florida.

     Imagine, more than 50 years after leaving elementary and high school, and your classmates weeping because of your loss.  What an impression to leave on people’s hearts. 

     I wasn’t prepared to hear how loved my dad was, even thousands of miles away from my home. 

     But it was exactly what my heart needed. 

     When she spoke about my dad, it finally clicked for my heart.  The specific way in which God had shed His love over my entire life thus far: “Gentleness”

     It was His way of guiding me and loving me and protecting me. 

     “And he passed in front of Moses, proclaiming, “The Lord, the Lord, the compassionate and gracious God, slow to anger, abounding in love and faithfulness, ” – Exodus 34:6

      “Or do you show contempt for the riches of his kindness, forbearance and patience, not realizing that God’s kindness is intended to lead you to repentance?” - Romans 2:4

     God knew what my wild heart would be like growing up. And trust me, I was bold and outspoken even then. 

     But my wild heart was tempered with a kind of gentleness that can only be authentically lived with, wrapping you up like a warm blanket on Christmas morning. Even in the midst of my resistance…

     My dad was a walking interpretation of gentleness.

     Doesn’t mean he never got angry, and it sure doesn’t mean he was perfect.

     But he was by far the most consistent and gentle man I’ve ever known in my entire life. 

     And when she said those words, amid the sturdy trees blowing in the wind, I realized for the first time in my life, that I had a gaping hole -- a gaping hole of gentleness (especially masculine gentleness) being active and embracing my life.

     Who would randomly call me during the week to say that they loved me? Or to simply “hear my voice”.

     Who would call me a “Jive Turkey” and “My Baby” in the same sentence?

     Who would whisper to me, “Do you need any gas money?”

     Or give this perpetual single girl her Valentine’s day card with a gift inside?

     Who would I talk to about NASA, space, and future technologies because he was a man that actually worked alongside scientists in his earlier years. 

     Who would now be my gentle champion in the flesh?

     And yes, all these questions made make me cry my eyes out.

     Even as I type this, I have actual snot bubbles coming out of my nose.

     But I need you to see how beautiful this all is.

     Number one. I’d rather feel than be numb.

     And number two. It’s in the struggle and in the pain that the real growth occurs, and I refuse to avoid this part.

     I left Florida feeling full and vulnerable. 

     I had spent a full weekend with 2 widows (one being my mother) and a fiery female minister. And it was one of the best weekends I’ve had in 2016. 

      I learned. I’m learning. And I’m listening.

     These women had such a sense of joy, even in the midst of grieving.  A sense of unquenchable life, even in the midst of death. Point blank: Jesus.

     All these women have an active relationship with God. Not in the, I just go to church occasionally type of way, but in the, “I talk to Him daily” type of way.  (Gimme dat life!)

     I used to tell my youth group, “Just because you walk into a garage, doesn’t make you a car. And just because you go to church, doesn’t make you a Christian.” 

     The truth is, being a Christian is an active, daily relationship with God. Where He not only becomes your best friend and heavenly Father, but Lord. Yeah, I never used to like that bit either, because that basically meant I was giving Him ultimate say-so in my life.

     But I would later find out, that my life was far richer and better when He was Lord over my life, rather than myself …with my limited view of things.

     But yo. being a Christian does not, let me repeat, does not mean your life will be all cupcakes. In fact, you’ll have to learn to fight, to be brave, to be courageous, to surrender, to trust, and of course to love like never before. But you’ll have a deep-seated peace that no one and nothing can take away from you.

     I’ll let you in on my secret:

     2 Things that have defined my relationship with God: 1. The Bible  2. God's Presence. 

     If you ever have a problem finding true North (because believe, there will be a lot of things trying to present themselves as the pathway throughout your life…), start reading the book of John in the Bible. And ask God to give you eyes to see and ears to truly hear what He want’s to speak to you in that particular season of your life.

     And secondly, start playing some worship music in your car occasionally. Talk about experiencing the presence of God! I could give you a TON of music recommendations across different genres (gospel, soft rockish, pop, etc.), but today, I’ll simply start with what I’ve listened to this past summer, the album: “Champion” by Bryan + Katie Torwalt. 

     Listen to the words—I mean, really listen to the words. Let them hit your heart. Let them become your prayers. And then if you’re really crazy, start singing along…to God. 

     And start doing it more and more and more and more.

     Because I have a feeling, that  you and I won’t make it in the days ahead, with all of life’s unforeseen challenges and surprises without knowing whole heartedly that God is with us, encouraging us, believing in us, and dreaming with us. (Plus, we tend to forget quite a bit regarding the faithfulness of God in our lives, if we aren’t engaged daily).

     You must know, 

     there’s more for you.

     There’s more for me.

     Especially in God. 

     You and I will never “arrive” or finish exploring and experiencing the richness of God while we are on earth. In fact, we are just scratching the surface. 

     Seriously though.

     Our relationship with God can go as deep as we want it to go…

     Wow. What a tangent.

     So yeah, Florida…

     It wrecked my heart in the best way.

     I got to sit in a hotel room and watch Hallmark movies with my mom, eat like a true Southerner, visit the church that is attached to my father’s legacy, and hear a woman talk about my dad walking gently.

     It put quite the perspective on the crushes that I had throughout 2016.

     Oh, you thought I wasn’t going to share my business? Who do you think I am?

     I had several crushes this year. None of which have panned out---or that would have been the first thing I would have SCREAMED to you over the internets. I AM DATING SOMEONE!!!! (I’m just practicing writing that, because why not...)

     Instead, I have a greater collection of beautiful Christian male friends. Because I need more hot Christian male friends like I need bad gas after eating macaroni and cheese.

     But alas, that has become my lot in life. Le struggle.

     But 2017, I’m looking at you:

     And I don’t feel at all bad for my single hot Christian male friends, because ya’ll know you could have married me or one of my other beautiful single friends like yesterday. But instead, we’ve all agreed on friendship, and it’s probably better this way, but it’s almost Christmas, and it’s “cuffing season” – so I’m feeling feisty and throwing things out in the atmosphere.

P.S. And to my hot Christian male friends new and old, can you at least introduce me to your other single friends if you’re not trying to date me? I mean, don’t be selfish. 

     And now with this present void of gentleness in my life, I’m trying to not act desperate (failinggg) and thirsty as the kids would say. 

     I’ve done quite a bit of traveling this year, and met many a kind soul. One man in particular caught my eye briefly, and it didn't hurt that he had an accent. He let his intentions toward me become known after a few days. And yes, he was a God-fearing man. He even threw a nice romantic gesture in my direction.

     My heart was vulnerable and open.

     I fly back home, only to discover via Facebook that he had/has a girlfriend. 

     Wow. So is this how grown-ups date in church life? You guys, I just can’t.

     Needless to say I was over it and the level of dishonesty. 

     And the lack of true gentleness in the matter.

     So here I am, back to square one. 

     Yes, I have another crush. #hejustnotthatintome

     And alas, we will become the best of buds. Because I’m fun, and I’m a good bud. And because I’ve had a great deal of practice at this whole thing…

     And yes, Texas was all kinds of beauty and awesome and pain.

     Two Engagements happened around me, while I was in Texas like one *right next to me. See the clip: HERE. 

     I mean, this is just becoming comical at this point.

     But I know you are dying to know about how my first time hearing Johnnyswim live was, while being in Texas, and visiting Magnolia Market and the “Silobration”. 

     And of course I’m gonna tell you ALL about it…in my next blog post, because this blog post has already gone too deep too fast… as per usual.  

     But I will say this about Texas.

     I met kindred hearts.

     I met gentle souls.

     And I most definitely cried. 

Wisdom’s Knocking:

“Here we go again making villains, out of lovers, lovers
Tearing down blue skies
Turning cloud nine into thunder, thunder
So complicated trying to love you with ease
Oh, we're dodging arrows that we think we see
Here we go again making villains out of lovers, lovers, lovers
Ooo, out of each other

Oh babe, we'll find a way
I want to love you everyday
I don't want to throw our love away
I don't want to fight our love away
I don't want to fight this love away

Don't you wanna be my lover?”

-- Johnnyswim

Living the Fruit Life

     It's so funny to me that I teach teenagers or anyone for that matter about God. And I don't mean funny-Haha, I mean, funny like, "Really, God, me?"

     I find myself teaching from those things that have illuminated my heart and deepened my relationship with God over my lifetime. A rich, yet growing secret history with God that began for me around 8 or 9 years old.

     But here's the thing about teaching on an infinite God. The more you know, the more you realize you don't know, OR the stuff you already knew, you forgot and need to relearn that jazz.

     Sometimes it feels like I'm going around the same tree, the same trail, around the same building in my mind and in my actions, relearning the most fundamental and basics of my faith/love relationship with God.

    Which brings me to the "Fruit of the Spirit".

     So a couple months back, we were teaching this series on the "Fruit of the Spirit" (Galatians 5:22-23) to our teens. Of which I've heard with great repetition these attributes almost my entire life, but let's ignore for a moment, and despite the repetition, I could never fully remember these 9 "Fruits" in detail (I have a theory about why...more on that later). Plus I was always mystified in the past by the fact that they are called the "Fruit" of the Spirit (Singular), even though there's 9 of these whopping things. But then I later gained a bit more understanding about the beauty of "One fruit" with a "Manifold Yield" - Yes. This is supernatural indeed.  

     So I wondered if I would be able to remember the 9 attributes while teaching this series...but even more importantly, after teaching this series.

+ Love
+ Joy
+ Peace
+ Patience
+ Kindness
+ Goodness
+ Faithfulness
+ Gentleness
+ Self Control

    And then, after teaching this series, something extraordinary and awful happened to me. I became much more aware of my humanity, my frailty, my need for a Savior through the events that followed.

     Death in the family, sickness, life transition of sorts, pain, anxiety and sadness creeping over me like a soft wool blanket. I thought I was going to suffocate. And I'm honestly surprised I didn't.

    And yet, those sacred and beautiful 9 would somehow come to mind. And as they would, I would receive the gift from God.

     Meditating on God's peace, I then would allow myself to receive it for myself.

     Looking at God's love, I would then nod my head yes to Him that I wanted it.

     Observing and being in the hustle and harshness of L.A. traffic drivers, I would tenderly hear the word gentleness come to mind. And I would begin to drink it in.

    And so on and so forth.


    So remember how I had a 'theory' about not being able to remember these beautiful and wonderful attributes in the past? I think it's because I never took these traits in. Not fully. They were allowed to be long-term guests at my house, but not family, never truly family.

     I'm learning more and more, the depths of these attributes have yet to be truly tapped by us. And I can confidently say that, because we are talking about the "Fruit of the Spirit" here, of His Spirit, the Infinite One. And the depths of His Love, His joy, His peace, etc. are limitless in every way.

     Yes, there is fruitful life waiting for both you and I.

     Contingent upon something vitally important:

     Before you can give these things out and away, you must first receive them for yourself.

     For you can't give away what you don't already have.

    And He knew this all along. And that is why you are being pursued by Him, the Life and Fruit Giver.

     The One who draws you to Himself, to simply love you into fullness.

     That is indeed a fruitful life.

Wisdom's Knocking:

“To have found God and still to pursue Him is the soul’s paradox of love.” 

 ― A.W. Tozer, The Pursuit of God

S. R. L.

      

      I've been thinking about you.

     Wondering what it is that keeps drawing you back to my writings. I mean, this has been a bit of a self indulgent journey so far. But I've realized more so today, more than ever that I have a tribe. You're my tribe. You get me. And I get you.

     They don't know me like you do.

     I don't know what kind of day you had today. Was it mediocre? The same as yesterday. Or are you in that ever-so-common place of simply waiting for something, anything to happen.

     A moment to shake up all moments, to simply remind yourself that you are alive.

     But I discovered something today.

     You and I.

     We are alive.

     Life is happening now.

Photo Credit: Adria Elena

     "S."

     Singlehood.

     No one can escape life without it. It can be a life long season (Please Jesus...No....), or just a season to occupy your adolescence, or perhaps your latter years. But no one, no one can escape the grip of singlehood. At some point, you and yourself have to face things, wrestle things out on your own, bring your lonely and timid heart to God without fanfare without prodding. Everyone gets their chance. I don't want you to be scared. Don't be scared of the pain. You'll make it through to the other side, I promise.

     I promise. There's riches to be had, even in this stage of life.

     In this blog, you've been let in on some of my biggest secrets and have walked with me in my semi-long journey of singleness in all its messiness, confusion, pain, and beauty. We've cried and laughed our way into Wisdom's arms, many, many times.

     True, my journey might not look like yours, but I know that we share similar themes.

     I once thought I was writing this blog strictly to a group of girls in their mid 20s to mid 40s. But I was grossly mistaken.

     The feedback I now get from my blog comes from men and women alike, ranging in ages from 17-65.

     And what is the common thread here? Obstacles and learning how to overcome? Yes, partly.  But even more intimately so: We all know the shape of our own faces, the contour of our lips, the width of our necks, the placement of our ears, yet we still need a mirror in order to properly see who we really are and look like to the rest of the world.

    Yes. A mirror.

     And that is what I hope we both achieve in the presence of this blog and the writings that we exchange.

     That we would rightly see. That we would rightly know who we really are, above the lies, above the mediocrity of our circumstance, above the ridicule of others and our own minds.

     I once used to be ashamed of my singleness. Like it was leprosy. While those all around me engaged in adventurous romances which seemed to be non-existent or transient for me. I've been in countless weddings, cried at Hallmark commercials, accomplished major life goals, all while wanting the arms of my man around me. But I realize now, with such confidence, that I am not alone. I'm not the only one who has walked this path.

     And I decided through the creation of this blog, that I, in no way would sit waiting for my life to begin. My life is truly happening now. And it is vibrant, more hopeful, more cherished than it's ever been. I couldn't imagine living any other way at this point in my life.

     I can't believe I just wrote that. I mean--

     Especially because last year this time, I was crying in my mother's arms, as I could barely speak my heart's longings for my future husband boo.

    Nevertheless. God.

     There's no way at this point in my life that you could convince me that He is not real, that He is not Kind, Faithful, and Ever Present. He has been all of those things and more to me. My entire life. And yours.

      And as I continue to explore this mystery of Singlehood, I'm finding purpose and unexpected doors of blessing and love opening my way and beckoning me to walk through. I know the same will be for you.

      Regardless if you are married, dating, or single, I address this theme, this state of Singlehood in the significant and weighty way of how we are all single and naked before an all knowing and seeing God. And that we have a responsibility to love, to love others, to love ourselves and to manage our own emotions, your own personhood with Wisdom-- to see yourself and your circumstances rightly, through the lens of not just my own experiences, but through the lens of a deeply profound and loving God.

Photo Credit: Tyler Ward

    "R."

     Romance.

     Duh.

     I'm about it.

    And if you aren't, you've most likely been burned...burned very bad in a past relationship. Or your home life growing up absolutely sucked. I'm just being real.

     People that tell me that they never want to get married or be in a relationship, basically tell me, I'm too afraid to make myself vulnerable because I know the pain that can happen, if somebody does you dirty. I don't want to take that risk. I never want to hurt like that ever, ever, ever again...or at all.

     Valid.

     But fear will always be the lesser of noble choices. In fact, agreeing with fear is never a noble choice at all. Instead....well, you already know...You should agree with Love.

     When I think of Love, I think of how little kids play.

     Stick a little kid in their own backyard or a park and they can begin to create thousands of worlds of make-believe, and the most mundane thing becomes major miracles in their worlds. Their eyes are always full of awe and wonder.

     We were never meant to lose that.

     Romance is not simply being wooed, but seeing with eyes of awe and wonder. Recognizing the beauty of breathing, having eyes to see sunlight, enjoying the decadent taste of your favorite food.

     To choose love is difficult.

     To keep choosing love after you've been hurt is harder.

     But I ask you further still.

     Choose the risk.

     Choose...

     Love.

     I'm a firm believer that we were never meant to go and live life alone. But rather, connected to other human beings.

     In addition to that:

     You were made for romance. 

     For real.

     Let that sink in.

     Yes, I may be practically a spinster, but I definitely gots romance in my life. Ya heard. I'm learning more and more about how to get excited about the little things and to appreciate everything. I allow myself to get excited about little stupid things like chocolate (I take that back, chocolate is NOT stupid.) and vanilla wafers waaaaaay to much. I also allow people to love me.

     Someone who fights romance in their life at all costs will be defensive. Believe me. I know.

     But when you allow yourself to be loved, even just through kind acts, a smile from a cashier, a helping hand with your luggage on the subway, or sincere eye contact from a friend, awe and wonder are returning to your heart.

     I also allow the things that I love, to love me back. Meaning, I love to dance. So when I dance, I enjoy it. Immensely. Intentionally.

     So whether you are single, dating, or married, you are made for romance.

     It's really a multi-faceted and beautiful thing.

Photo Credit: Adria Elena

     "L."

     Life.

     What more needs to be said.

     We all live life.

     Whether you're single, dating, or married, you were made to live this life.

     We are all on this planet, making a path, sharing our stories, laughing at our old bad hair styles, and often worrying about our future.

     Our world is changing. And it's about to change even more.

     But we were given this time, to make our mark, to share our journeys, and to make new pathways for those that will walk on this planet in future years.

     The bigger picture. There is one. And you absolutely fit in.

     What piece are you exactly? What piece am I exactly?

     We're too close to the painting now.

     But in future years will see more clearly.

     But You and I.

     We are alive.

     And life is happening now.

Wisdom's Knocking:

You were meant to flourish.

Invested

 Photo Credit: David Whitlow

     It's time to believe again. Dust off those weary dreams and let them speak to you. Let the voice of your Maker confirm the path in front of you. Every blow, every applause, every stumble, every kiss...Is making you become invested, more invested in your own present. You're a present. You are present.

Wisdom's Knocking:

"Where you invest your love, you invest your life."