anxiety

When You Release

   


      I've been sharing with you how I've been fighting off anxiety these past 2 months. Which this anxiety was an unexpected surprise blow for me. And perhaps loads of people that get hit with waves of anxiety off and on in their lives can relate.

     It's so weird. Because I never really experienced any sort of anxiety in my life until I entered adulthood.

     I grew up encouraged and ready to take all kinds of risks and adventures in my life. But around 10 years ago, my bubble was burst. I had my first experience with crippling fear and anxiety. We are talking the type of fear, where you are afraid to leave the house or be around people. And where everything about your life seems like some weird mirage or video game world. I promise you, I thought I was going to have to commit myself to some mental illness facility. True story.

     But the story did not end there.

     The short version ending went something like this:

     Prayer  & Choosing Faith.

     Choosing to believe that good things still can and DO happen.

     Because at first glance, my anxiety 10 years ago  (similar to what I was experiencing in December), would have appeared to have come out of nowhere. But that was not entirely true.

     There were some pretty significant triggers then, and there were also some triggers recently:

     Transition + Disappointment + Fear = Anxiety Cocktail

     Now you may be a 1.5 on the scale of anxiety or you may be a 9.9, but I can almost guarantee that there is an intersection of these emotional and physical stages that have not been resolved in your life and/or  have not been honestly given a chance to be influenced by the Truth of God's love.

     In many cultures, there is a rite of passage. A moment, a victory, that celebrates a child officially embracing the next stage of life.

     It seems as though, in our eclectic American culture, we don't yet have a clear cut rite of passage for our young people as they become recognized as adults.

     I do like this idea of proving oneself. Not just for the sake of the community, but for the sake of the individual transitioning into a new stage of live. Because it is in times of challenge and trial that we are truly exposed and formed.

     It's fascinating to me, that despite our lack of official ceremony in the actual doing of a rite of passage, God still knows how to reach our hearts, challenge us to love more honestly than we've ever done before, and cause us to truly grow in very deliberate ways.

     I'm learning more and more that it's simply our job to cling. To cling ever so close to God, gently releasing all other things and people. But you and I must in many ways, fight to cling to love, because it won't always feel like the most natural thing to do.

     But keep releasing, and then keep clinging.

     Because you will--yes you will, make your way through this wondrous and mysterious rite of passage that has now been set before us.





Wisdom's Knocking:

“There's truths you have to grow into.” 

 -- H.G. Wells, 
Love and Mr. Lewisham







Tears for Fears




     Something happened between then and now.

     Between that last post and this one.

     At the time, I didn't see it coming. But everything within me would be tested, shaken, and emptied.

     Such seems to be the routine of things when a grand life shift is on the horizon.

     I know for many people, the holidays are painful. There is a great loss in all of our hearts. We miss people or we are afraid to miss them. We struggle with what we hoped for and what is -- those things that have been established.

     These last few days, I've simply wanted to slip into someone else's body, because my own thoughts were becoming too painful, too obsessive.

     You know what I prayed about 6 months ago? I prayed that God would make me fearless.

     In case you're wondering, it's just as dangerous as that "patience" prayer.

     One cannot become fearless without encountering real fear.

     Without going into too many details, I will say this, I had one of theee worst nightmares (in my sleep) of my life about 3 weeks ago fast forward to me being in urgent care on Christmas Day with a body that was acting out of the poor stress it had been suffocated with. The level of anxiety and fear were almost crippling. I mean, one day I was just fine and the next day I had to sleep with a stuffed animal to keep myself from losing it.

     My trip to urgent care proved that I was absolutely healthy and fine, just simply getting over a bad cold and some indigestion. And in my heart I knew that this wasn't the Lord calling me home just yet. But fear is not often logical nor does it bring peace.

     And as I write this brief recap, my heart goes out to the many guys and girls, fathers and mothers, daughters and sons who've had to embrace loss, face fear, and still hope for the best in the midst of it all.

     We are thirsty for Hope.

     In all my mess and insecurity I am sure of one thing. A world without Christ is a world with no Hope. The love that is offered through the mystery of this man Jesus is quite overwhelming and He alone gives me cause to be fearless.

     I'm learning afresh what it means to be "delivered". As I am experiencing one now.

     We often don't realize that we've been weighed down or are in need of deliverance until we are face to face with gut-wrenching disappointment or fear. The foundations of our hearts are exposed. And there we find out if we've been building on sand or stone.

     This past Sunday, I taught my teens and preteens about Ruth from the Bible. A woman, who in the midst of great loss and disappointment, left her own country and culture and went into the unknown with her mother-in-law, Naomi. Whereas her mother-in-law felt completely abandoned by God, Ruth proclaims that she wants Naomi's God to be her God and displays this sense of hopefulness that doesn't quite make sense given the circumstance. I won't spoil the story for you, but let's just say Ruth's hope was not in vain...

     And here we are.

     It's about to be a new year.

     And I know we all need a new beginning.

     My prayer for you is that you would encounter Truth the destroys the lies, Peace over the anxiety, and Love that decimates all fear.

     Your story is not over yet.

     And though there may be pain in the night, joy will come for you--joy will come for you in the morning.




Wisdom's Knocking:

"See, I am doing a new thing!
 Now it springs up;
do you not perceive it?
I am making a way in the wilderness
 and streams in the wasteland."

-Isaiah 43:19



Cry to Me



      Full disclosure:

      I cried in my mother's arms last night for about an hour as she prayed over me.

     It was a long time coming. And if you've been following my blog over the past 3 or so months, you probably saw this coming as well.

     Waiting is hard. Surrender is hard.

     Granted, the Sunday before last, I did pray for the thing that no person in their right mind is suppose to pray for. I prayed for more Patience.

     And then things went from bad to worse.

     So as I'm in the Valley of Worse, I simply share my heart and hope to encourage my heart and maybe yours as well.

     God is a "Promise Keeper". This blog post is simply to remind myself of how hard it got before the promise was fulfilled. So if anyone in the years to come looks at my life and thinks that I have it so good and so easy, I want them to be fully aware that it didn't come for free. It cost me something. It cost me a lot of tears. A lot of time. A lot patience. A lot of "What the--??"

     I have this quote by Louise Hay at the end of my email signature: "Somewhere someone is looking for exactly what you have to offer."

     When I first saw that quote, for some reason, I only put it within the context of job hunting...Lame. Today, I realize that quote is meant to be true for all areas of our lives.

     You are wanted. I am wanted. That's profound. Let that truth really hit your heart and your mind.

     When you think your unlovable or unwanted. The truth is, you're not. You are wanted. And "somewhere someone is looking for exactly what you have to offer."

     Oh to love and to want and to be loved and wanted in return. Yes. Pretty much bliss. And that's what we've all been signed up for.

     Believe me, I know at times it seems like walking on the straight and narrow path doesn't pay off. Like you're being mocked all the way down. And you look to your left and right, and folks that are acting crazy and ignorant seem to be living it up.

     But don't worry. Your time is coming. The present suffering doesn't compare to the glory ahead.

     You will make it. And I will make it.  Just don't quit. This may be the hardest and most confusing it's ever been. But God is still God. He is still good. And His memory is better than ours. He knows what is and will ever be. And He is a Promise Keeper.




Wisdom's Knocking:

"'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the Lord, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.' - Jeremiah 29:11






Second Best, But Then Restoration



      He kept asking me if everything was okay. And I kept saying yes...

:::

      But we all know the truth. Something was bothering me. Something had affected and possibly infected my heart:

       Anxiety.

      For the first time in years, I let my guard down. And I don't think he even noticed.  I opened my heart towards expectations. Not only was my heart full of great hope this past June, I felt in many ways that my hope had been fulfilled. But right before a miracle reaches your hand, it seems as if all hell begins to break loose.

     "The course of true love never did run smooth." - Shakespeare

      I've always had this fear in the back of my mind, that I would be someone's second choice and not their first choice.

     And although I've gone to great lengths to make space and room in my heart for true love, I'm fearful that the same is not being done for me, on the part of the man who I will end up falling for utterly and wholly. Hello Anxiety.

     Not to make this a sob story of sorts, but just to give you facts and context:

     I've only chosen to enter into one, yes one, dating relationship since being out of high school. And in fact, I only had one boyfriend in high school. But our dating relationship had more of a brother-sister vibe to it, versus anything romantic. Subsequently, that lasted a little less than a month. Sorry, Joey.

     But many of you already know,  the one relationship that I had in college, which only lasted 6 months, left scars on my heart for the many years following. After that relationship, God and I had an amazing conversation.

     God reminded me of the little warning nudges He was trying to give me, before I had entered into that relationship. And how I had ignored all of those warning signs, and basically told God, "Don't worry. I got this. I have this under control."

     Through our conversation, after that ill-fated relationship, God simply reminded me that I could trust Him. And that He in fact, has everything under control. And therefore, when it came to who I was going to fall in love with for keeps, God already knew who this person would be and knew how to direct me straight to that person.  I had already seen God do this sort of "directing" in other areas of my life. So, at this point I was ready to trust Him fully.

     And since that moment I've been on a faith journey regarding romance ever since. That was over 10 years ago.

     "The course of true love never did run smooth."


     The draw to date every attractive person I saw, faded shortly thereafter. It became easier to gracefully decline the advances of men I wasn't really feelin'. Plus, I didn't want to go through the cycle of dating. It didn't mean that I wouldn't spend quality time with the opposite sex, and have amazing guy friends. It just meant that I wasn't going to unveil all the mysteries of my heart to every Tom, Dick, or Harry. I wanted to save those places of my heart for someone special.

     But of course, I still desired to be held, to be kissed, to be loved. But I chose not to engage in any physical intimacy from the moment I had that conversation with God over 10 years ago. This by far, has probably been one of the hardest things I've had to walk through in my life thus far. I mean, my primary love language is physical touch, people!

     But I wanted to delay gratification for the sake of having a one-of-a-kind adventurous love story, tailor made by God. I wanted to see where this road could really lead me. And believe me, at times, I'm scared that I've lost my mind and that this will not pan out at all. And I'll be standing looking like a fool with my pants down.

     Some nights I'm afraid of being alone. Other nights, I might cry about it. But often, I feel peace and grace in the waiting. And somehow, through it all, I sense and know that everything is going to be okay.

     And then God begins to show me an area of my heart that is full of anxiety and needs healing...

     You see, something shifted in me after that last relationship. Even though it was ions ago,  I was left feeling a little bit like a chump and would carry a bit of residue even 10 years later. Like the feeling of being Second Best. Feeling like I couldn't compete with the other woman. And my man at the time somehow knew that. We'll of course he did. That's why he cheated.

     And yes, we all make mistakes. And I'm always ready to forgive. But remember, those mistakes do have consequences that may not often show themselves right away and rarely just affect ourselves.

     The consequence of his actions, resulted in me constantly looking over my shoulder at the "other hot girl". Because most likely, that's who you'd choose, if it got down to the wire.

     So now let's bring it back to this past summer, and me letting my guard down towards this specific guy. There was already an ideal girl in his life. Not one that he was currently with, but previously. And there was the trigger.

     I don't know about your heart. But I know about mine. It's super sensitive. I'm definitely a feeler. And in these years of waiting for love, my heart has not become more bitter, but somehow more vulnerable.

      So in secretly opening my heart towards this guy, the residue of "Second Best" began to surface. And I thought to myself, "What have I been doing all these years? Working towards this? To feel this?"

     Would I only be second best for you? Horrible. No one deserves second best. Everyone deserves their first choice. I would hate to disappoint you. I don't want to disappoint you. Well, in fact I already have, because I'm not her. Or that girl over there, or that girl, or this girl. ---Oh, Hi Anxiety.

     I tuckered myself out.

     And I basically fell out like a 5 year old from a sugar coma.

     I was forced to surrender.

     I couldn't rely on my own ability, my own gifting, my own anything to rectify the situation. In fact, it seemed that the more I tried to utilize my own efforts, the worse things became.

     And then.

     God.


Photo Credit: Hannah Anderson


      Surrender opens the door for restoration.

      But wait. I thought I was already good. I thought I was already restored?

     "But recently, you suffered a real sense of disappointment, Patrice, because things are not going as planned concerning your current love story."

      Well, it's funny how disappointment brings forth heartbreak. And heartbreak becomes the breeding ground for anxiety and mistrust. And when you no longer trust people or things around you, you feel the need to take up the reigns once more in attempt to control everything, in fear of being hurt again.

      But you have to let go. You have to.

     Yes. Yet again.


Photo Credit: Hannah Anderson


     And then, Restoration begins to flow.

     And I am reminded of how beautiful and unique I am. I am reminded that I am desirable. I am reminded that I am wonderfully and fearfully made. I reminded of how complete I am in God. I am reminded that I am enough. And I am reminded of how I am and forever will be a "First Choice", not merely second best.

     But, see, only God can really remind you and I of this, and speak it over us with such power and conviction. Because if this were to come just from yourself, family, or friends, you would have the tendency to doubt it. But when it comes to you in the way in which you are accustomed to hearing God's voice. It changes you.

     And peace arises where anxiety once took root.

     Newfound joy surfaces where despair began to leak in.

     And hope begins to steer your motives once again.


Photo Credit: Hannah Anderson


     Surrender is not about giving up, it's about making way--

     Making way for the impossible.

     And in my case, making way for love.

     True surrender, although painful at times, is not birthed out of fear, but faith. Because now, we relinquish control based solely upon our own efforts, and we put our faith in God to do the very thing we cannot. It's the ultimate adventure and it definitely involves a high degree of trust--of letting go.

     I know it seems so backwards. Surrender to gain? But we're all familiar with the effects of pruning a tree:
Prune: Trim (a tree, shrub, or bush) by cutting away dead or overgrown branches or stems, esp. to increase fruitfulness and growth.

     I now know more than ever that God is always ready to restore us.

     And with His restoration, He doesn't just bring you back to your former glory. He brings you to a glory that you've never known, full of increased fruitfulness and growth. A land flowing with Milk and Honey.


     "The course of true love never did run smooth..."





Wisdom's Knocking:

"Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting." (Psalm 139:23-24)







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