When You Release

   

      I've been sharing with you how I've been fighting off anxiety these past 2 months. Which this anxiety was an unexpected surprise blow for me. And perhaps loads of people that get hit with waves of anxiety off and on in their lives can relate.

     It's so weird. Because I never really experienced any sort of anxiety in my life until I entered adulthood.

     I grew up encouraged and ready to take all kinds of risks and adventures in my life. But around 10 years ago, my bubble was burst. I had my first experience with crippling fear and anxiety. We are talking the type of fear, where you are afraid to leave the house or be around people. And where everything about your life seems like some weird mirage or video game world. I promise you, I thought I was going to have to commit myself to some mental illness facility. True story.

     But the story did not end there.

     The short version ending went something like this:

     Prayer  & Choosing Faith.

     Choosing to believe that good things still can and DO happen.

     Because at first glance, my anxiety 10 years ago  (similar to what I was experiencing in December), would have appeared to have come out of nowhere. But that was not entirely true.

     There were some pretty significant triggers then, and there were also some triggers recently:

     Transition + Disappointment + Fear = Anxiety Cocktail

     Now you may be a 1.5 on the scale of anxiety or you may be a 9.9, but I can almost guarantee that there is an intersection of these emotional and physical stages that have not been resolved in your life and/or  have not been honestly given a chance to be influenced by the Truth of God's love.

     In many cultures, there is a rite of passage. A moment, a victory, that celebrates a child officially embracing the next stage of life.

     It seems as though, in our eclectic American culture, we don't yet have a clear cut rite of passage for our young people as they become recognized as adults.

     I do like this idea of proving oneself. Not just for the sake of the community, but for the sake of the individual transitioning into a new stage of live. Because it is in times of challenge and trial that we are truly exposed and formed.

     It's fascinating to me, that despite our lack of official ceremony in the actual doing of a rite of passage, God still knows how to reach our hearts, challenge us to love more honestly than we've ever done before, and cause us to truly grow in very deliberate ways.

     I'm learning more and more that it's simply our job to cling. To cling ever so close to God, gently releasing all other things and people. But you and I must in many ways, fight to cling to love, because it won't always feel like the most natural thing to do.

     But keep releasing, and then keep clinging.

     Because you will--yes you will, make your way through this wondrous and mysterious rite of passage that has now been set before us.

Wisdom's Knocking:

“There's truths you have to grow into.” 

 -- H.G. Wells, 

Love and Mr. Lewisham

Jealousy and Contempt Part 3. The End

Photo Credit: Bethany Mossburg

     Immediately after having this revelation that I had allowed Jealousy and Contempt to operate in my life in subtle ways. Something beautiful began to happen. I began to get free of this drudgery. It's like how the first step to recovery in any given area is to first admit you have a problem. Ignoring the problem or being in denial doesn't do anything except keep you in bondage to the drudgery, preventing freedom and the possibility of new and beautiful things coming your way. And subsequently, the integrity to maintain such things.

     What did my prayer time look like after I had this revelation of the pain left in my heart because of Jealousy and Contempt? The only way I can describe it is as though someone had washed my heart in liquid love. It felt like peace and joy and love all mixed together. It felt like coming home. And God was there to meet me. I didn't feel less than or ashamed, I felt affirmed and loved. I'm telling you, God is a lot kinder than you think.

     Immediately after holding this experience. I was put into a scenario where I could have easily compared myself and my shortcomings to the heights and beauty of others. I was surrounded by amazing beauty and talent. I should have gotten lost in the shuffle. I should have been a bit jealous.

     But somehow, I was called out. And in the midst of thousands, I was called "Beautiful."

     I've been called beautiful before, but this time, I was able to rest in it, in a completely different way. Free of Jealousy and Contempt.

     And as I rested in this truth of who I was and am, I was hit with a sharp, fiery arrow. Of course. When else would an arrow strike.

     That's when I found out that my "Admiration/Crush", was nothing more than a mirage. And I had almost played myself by falling for this individual out of turn. It was not my time or my turn, but another's. And she had captured his heart.

     Now how would I deal with such disappointment. And what would my attitude be towards him and her? Would I show face? And reignite my covenant with Jealousy or would I jump off of a proverbial cliff with middle fingers in the air, since this has happened to me more times than I'd like to admit. Or...

     But the Kindness of the Lord had led me to Proverbs, weeks prior, for such a time as this.

     I put down my anger. And upheld my tenderness.

     And God came to my rescue.

     It's always the emotional battles that seem the most fierce to me. And it's nothing short of a miracle, when God calms me down emotionally. And He did this--Calmed me down. Again and again in these last few weeks. Often through random people who had a kind word to say to me, friends of mine that just happened to call me, and others that just felt the need to give me a hug. Yes. He was there.

     And now somehow, my cup is full. And it is now beginning to run over.

     And yes, once again, with heart and arms wide open, I am ready to love.

Wisdom's Knocking:

"Free Up Your Mind:

So that the world's clutter doesn't prevent you from hearing God's voice when He speaks to you.

Free Up Your Heart:

From all the hurt and hate the world gives--so that true love will always have a beautiful home to live within you.

Free Up Your Hands:

To always be willing to help those in need."

--From: My Auntie Annie Bland

Tender Mercies

Photo Credit: Nicole LeBoeuf

     I am experiencing a personal revival of sorts. It feels lovely. And the more I make myself vulnerable in the context of this personal revival, I feel full of life and peace.

    Do you have those days, when you can feel people praying for you? To some of you, that may sound like absolute Sci-Fi craziness, but it's not a foreign concept to everyone.

     I get into these seasons of life, where I become very aware that I am not able to carry the burden of expectations, dreams, desires, etc. all on my own. And it's as if a gust of wind blows the heaviness of my own thoughts away. It's grace in true operation.

     I can feel the prayers of loved ones over my life. Especially today.

     It's also amzing to me, that we will most likely never meet all the people that have taken the time to lift burdens off of us through the power of prayer. I have no doubt that someone is praying for you today, with a love and passion straight from heaven.

Wisdom's Knocking:

Prayer changes things.