The Lean

He said that I could lean in if I wanted to… Leaning forward into his sphere.

But I wanted to lean back. To restfully lean back.  And for him to lean in towards me and to catch me somehow…because at that point I had fallen…

But let me catch you up on the true inner workings of my 2020…This year started so very strong for me.

At the very top of the year, I was settling into my space of being single and really enjoying my life. My motto at this point was #nonewfriends – meaning, I wasn’t looking for a relationship, and I wasn’t looking for a new next male best friend. I had already ridden that rollercoaster many times before and I didn’t want that ride any more. I wanted my man. A strong committed masculine man.  And I was willing to wait. I felt free and confident that God was cooking up something special for me and my romance story, specifically reserved for the year 2023.

I know – it sounds hecka dramatic or like a weird sci-fi rom-com movie set-up…. the mention of that year makes it all seem so safely far away. But nevertheless, I felt peace about it all. Truly.

And so I kept on living.

  TV work was good, I was country line dancing my little heart out every week, my little business Together Good Co. was steadily beginning to grow, I was stepping out in new bold ways.  And for my birthday in March, I had taken a solo train ride up the coast of California all the way up to Oregon. It marked the incredible and rich journey I’ve had with God up until this point.

But by the end of March of this year, the world began to turn upside down. Coronavirus had arrived and all our well-made plans were now caught up in the tornado of this beast.

Work stopped. Country line dancing stopped. My little business Together Good Co. had no direction or momentum. And all the ways that I had cultivated becoming bold in previously, I was now steadily shrinking back.

  It all felt so surreal.

I decided to keep my mind and hands busy trying to create content online, but it all felt a bit futile.

I kept thinking… “God….what are you up to?”

  And in the midst of being in this tender and vulnerable place, I was somehow meeting more guys again. Incredible men.  Not really intentionally, but it just kept happening online.  

And then he showed up…

You know when you meet someone, and it automatically feels comfortable – a sense of home and familiarity? Well, that’s how it was with him, Mr. Mister. But when I looked intently at his face and at photos, I could see something that made me squeeze my eyes a bit…

“What is that? …” I whispered to God and my heart.

It looked a bit like wrestling, anger and pain.

  And I’m a sucker for the role of Florence Nightingale. (Do folks still know who that is anymore? All to say, a superwoman nurse coming to the aid and rescue of soldiers.)

But I’ll never forget that first look on his face.

  I could see something brewing in him, just below the surface.

  His words were kind, but somehow, the texture of them didn’t feel 100% sincere, or that I could fully trust him.

  And my gut rarely lets me down.

  And so I dismissed him. I didn’t want any half-truths or possible entanglements. I had almost gotten in one last December with a tall dark and handsome man who I had met country line dancing.  Ya girl got a little shook by those muscles and that olive skin….But I digress….

  But then a Mr. New New Guy surfaced, and my heart was crushing on him BAD, like I was practically begging God to lift my 2023 ban so that this new guy and I could start making babies ASAP.

  But after processing with God, friends, and prayer….it was a hard NOPE. He’s not the one for you.

  And I was like:

So I ugly cried on my bedroom floor for a good hour, practically suffocating myself because I wouldn’t lift my forehead off the ground and because the tears and the snot were so intense…

  But then just a couple days after this very dramatic “letting go” episode, our old friend, Mr. Mister, comes back around and appears out of the blue ---but this time, I couldn’t tell if God or the devil had sent him. #realtalk - And so I was purposely standoffish and cold.

  But somehow that didn’t detour him.

  I was in no way attracted to him at that point. And was just confused as to why he was circling back and making small talk online.

  But then I softened a bit.

  I chose to forget my first impressions of him, and I started to let my guard down.

  And a real friendship began to blossom.

  So much so, that to my surprise, I became deeply attracted to him and to all the things and storylines we had in common, but there was still this nagging sense there was something ‘going on’ underneath the surface with him.

  But yes, you guessed it -- things would slowly begin to reveal themselves.

  Here’s a good life hack for all you beautiful men out there:

 Us ladies have FBI-level expertise to find out information about you and what you do – but social media has made it sooo easy for us to know your true habits and values. We simply look at the accounts you “Follow” – Yes. We actually scroll through to see who and what you follow (especially on Instagram) and we try to figure out, if we somehow have to compete with those women or ideologies.

And I already began to feel myself competing.

  Both Mr. New New Guy & Mr. Mister were both God lovers and had an array of female friends – hot female friends and the accounts they followed made me question their intentions and integrity towards me.

And the tears began to flow again.

  It was hitting an old familiar place in me. 2nd Place. Not enough…

  Why are they even talking to me in the first place??

  My hands aren’t gently cupping my perfectly perky large bare breasts on Instagram. But that’s what they repeatedly “Like”.

My bum doesn’t have a G-string in it – with a heartfelt caption on Instagram saying: “God is the best – Jeremiah 29:11”– But that’s what he likes.

  My pointer finger is not gently pulling on my bottom lip while I stare intently at the camera in my favorite bikini, with a witty caption saying, “God is good and only He can judge me.” – but those are his favorite social media posts.

This was a new layer to men in our faith space that I hadn’t seen before. It was a bit jarring, and definitely eye opening.

The mix of soft porn and faith – it’s been growing steadily in our lovely social media space. And honestly, I paid no attention to it at all….until I did…

  We’ve created funny memes and social media pages around this mix, while often having a good chuckle about it or giving a virtual high five.

And no one seems to be the wiser.  

But when our young girls are battling with their own appearance and self worth in this digital age, it feels like the choices that some of our men (definitely not all) are consistently making are not in consideration of them or their hearts.

And this is what I find those small choices say to us as women:

“This is the standard of beauty & sexuality that I uphold. Now meet that.”

I doubt most men would say that so bluntly, but we as women feel that nonetheless. And actions often eclipse and outshine words.

If it’s affecting me as a grown woman (who by the way, has seen SOME THANGS in her lifetime and I’m not easily offended) can you imagine how it’s affecting our young women?

  Now, don’t get me wrong, I love beauty, bodies, sexuality, and body positivity, but there’s something ultimately true, life-giving and grounding when it truly stems from a gorgeous God perspective and not in a cheap, consumer-orientated lower perspective.

But granted, some of us don't know the difference…not truly…#selah

And some of us only know how to communicate via our sexuality, because that’s served us well in the past or serves us well online. Or it’s an easy point of connection with people. Whether in conversation or in action.

  But easy doesn’t give me lasting, true depth and intimacy.

  I would argue that we are also more than our sexuality and its expression.

  And that our sexual appetites, (what we feed on continually is what will grow) whether hidden or known, has the power to change the course of our lives completely. Just ask any one who’s been involved in abuse, an affair or an addiction that they can’t break free of – one that keeps them in a vicious cycle of feeling-stuck in life. 

  I’ve had the privilege of sitting down with some of these precious hearts that have walked through these types of life-altering effects.  And I’ve also seen the power of God sweep through their lives with true redemption and restoration beyond their wildest dreams and expectations.

  But to note… they said yes in their hearts to God, for a new way, a better way, relinquishing control for Him to have His way (which we know is based in Love and not necessarily our current view of it) … these beautiful ones walked their journey out with prayer, tears, courage, active intention, sweat, and support.

But often we are grasping for that restoration or redemption to come from certain individuals or circumstances, and trying to make it happen ourselves. But the full restoration and redemption itself is God’s work.  And it may not look like how we thought or even come from the direction we had hoped it would. But it will still be good. SO very good. Our only job is to lean into God -- and into what He’s set before us.

With that said, God may have already been trying to get your attention…or He’s whispered something to your heart to do or perhaps not do in this current season of your life. You might already have an inkling of what that could be.  It may be front-of-mind for you as you read this, or perhaps you feel it in your gut right now. Regardless of how it’s playing out, I pray that God brings His confirmation, peace and clarity for us both tonight.

Stepping out into this space of your life with God is truly a mark of being vulnerable and brave. And can I just say that I’m so very proud of you.

  And I know…. movement in this direction is never easy, but yet it always leaves a fragrance of lasting faithfulness and love everywhere we go. While at the same time enriching your own bones.

You see… what I do know about that restoration and redemption combo…is that it’s coming. It always does.

And isn’t that the way we always want to see a story end… Better than it began…

Do you know what my grandmother said about my dad, before my mom married him?

  “He’s clean.”

For the record, she wasn’t talking about his hygiene.

  She was talking about his heart and soul.

  There wasn’t a bad mixture – a mix and match of split intentions or motives.

  He was “clean”.

  It was something that my grandmother could discern simply by seeing and being around my dad.

  (To note: Clean doesn’t equal perfect)

Funny thing is, I had always used this language growing up…this description of  “Clean” – and it wasn’t until a few years back that my mom shared this story about my grandmother, dad, and her unique use of that word.

  So to this day, when I see someone for the first time, it’s as if something spiritual and real is highlighted to me. It’s never to shame them (never), but only for me to know how to love them well, and to know what boundaries I need to have in place with them.

  But all to say, Mr. Mister never looked completely clean to me. And I still don’t know quite why. Maybe I’ll never know why. And that’s okay. I also wondered if he truly had self-control, restraint, courage, and initiative.

Or upon that first connection, perhaps my spirit and soul knew how his mixed and unclear intentions would play out in my heart and in my life subsequently.  Leaving me a bit unsteady for a season.

  Us women are different creatures to men.

And we often long to feel secure in their presence.

  But with the idea of “split affections” in our men (even on social media), our hearts begin to feel unsteady and unsafe.

  And that began to change my friendship dynamic with Mr. Mister from that point on.

  Because I was obviously trying to navigate this new territory of falling for him.

  Nevertheless, we continued to grow in closeness but I continued to cry almost weekly over him.

  Lots of tears y’all. Lots O’ Tears.

  It got to the point where I strongly felt the urge to subtly, not so subtly ask him if he liked me beyond friendship. (Which I had vowed I was never going to do with any other guy friend after the Fateful Debacle of 1996…)

  But I asked, because I thought I could handle whatever answer he was going to fling my way.

  NOPE.

  I PLAYED MYSELF.

He took days to respond to me and then finally let me have the one-two punch.

Friends.

 

Friendship.

 

Valuable Friendship.

I’m pretty sure he gave me 3 text messages from that point on that were pretty much “Copy & Paste” iterations of:  “You are a great friend and I’ll always be your friend. Talk to you later good friend.”

Cool. Cool. Thanks Bro. I get it.

That’s not what I was entirely going for. And I thought there was a mutual attraction, but I get it, I was clearly wrong.

  But seriously: #NONEWFRIENDS

And then, in comes another text message days later…

  More friendship talk.

Cool bro. Love it bro.

But then he adds something new…..

He said that I could lean in if I wanted to…

  Ummmm. What does that mean exactly? More blurred lines? Nahhh. I’m good. Thanks brother bro.

But perhaps his words were meant to be comforting…you know…like “Friend-to-Friend” type stuff? But instead his words riled up confusion, anger and more tears on my part.

  Because really, all I wanted to do is lean back. To restfully lean back.  And for him to lean in towards me and to catch me somehow…

But the lack of a textured deep sincerity I sensed in him early on was not because he was cruel, but rather because he was unaware, and in a bit of self-denial, while also being neglectful of himself in those deep and meaningful places.

So I became somewhat of a mirror of that pattern of neglect in his life as well.

  He wanted to do good and be better, but his lack of real clear intention and follow-through is what hurt my heart – especially in our friendship.

What I observed is that he somewhat sacrificed for others, but wouldn’t stand up for himself in his own masculinity.  I’m not talking machismo here, I’m simply talking about a man who stands firm in his own personal constitution, holds true conviction and vision and can confidently talk about it with others and walk that out….even in all it’s messy imperfections.  Boldly leaning on God through it all.

A man that doesn’t just sit back and let women simply do things for him, but one who constantly positions his heart towards giving to others in a healthy way in his life. A man that asks me questions about my life, because he’s so curious about me and just can’t get enough of me.

But I don’t want to be in the business of trying to change someone to suit my wants and needs, that’s extremely selfish and immature. And when you show me who you are, I have to believe you-- until you consistently show up otherwise.

So in his attempt to be gracious to me, with another ‘friendly’ text I interpreted his movements as somewhat bland and mediocre.

  And with that, I basically shared that I valued him, but wanted something more and I realized he’s not in that space at all to give it to me nor does he want to, and that I totally respect and understand that, and in the end, he’s still a great guy, but I’m intentionally choosing not to lean in, especially not in the way that I want to.

#nonewfriendsthesequel

I want to invest in something with a man that has the potential to go somewhere wild and beautiful. Not something that leaves me holding the trophy for first place in the Friend Zone.

  So yes, I also mentioned to him, that I’m getting relationship coaching (which is blowing my mind by the way…) and that I’m opening my heart to fresh possibilities and a brand new world of men and healthy relationships beyond him.

Cue Up:

  One more “friends forever” text message from him. Because I think he just can’t get enough of that word.

  But Bro. Read the room. That was definitely not needed….

Side note: And another great social media life hack for you beautiful men – Us [single] women intently look at who has “Liked” our photos and watched our “Stories” on Instagram and Facebook. We create grand love stories with such information.  I noticed that Mr. Mister was alllll up in my stories when my friendship served his ego and needs. But when our vibe was clearly “friends forever” he “skipped over” and “exited” out of my stories before they were completed, and with lighting-like speed. It was like a big fat slap in the face. That feeling of like “GET THIS CHICK OUTTA MY FACE, INSTAGRAM…..” – Yep. Not gonna lie. That stung a little bit. But I’ve done it myself…Soooo, touché…

But yes, in conclusion, us girls can tell when you leave our Instagram stories prematurely. I know. It’s dumb. But it counts as a gesture of how much you care and/or are attracted to us. And my bro is DEFO not into me according to the current social media stats.

But look, if I’m honest, I don’t think he’s ready for my type of leaning in…. because when I lean in, I’m leaning into a man that is willing to fight for himself and others and is bold enough to walk away from toxic people and circumstances, to take new adventures, to not wait for permission to hold me, hug me, or send me sweet messages. And to confidently know he’s always invited when it comes to me and my heart.

But let’s not miss the important fact that Mr. Mister is actually not attracted to me. And I cannot change that. Plus I don’t want someone’s “pity attraction” either…either you want to make out with me in a real way or you don’t.

And it’s quite all right that he’s not attracted to me, it really is. It just means, he’s freed up space for the one who is attracted to me and wants these lips as well as my crazy.

And now this is where this story shifts from Mr. Mister to my own heart…

Because you see, I’ve been in this role before…. actually many, many times before…ACTUALLY go read my blog post from 2015, titled “My Hunk” once you’re done here, to read about one of those other times…

But let’s be clear, Mr. Mister is not to be blamed in all this. He’s quite lovely really. And utterly human like the rest of us.

He helped reveal some old patterns and mindsets I’ve held on to.

  And sure, I had to cry my way through it to find the revelation. But I was forced to ask questions like…

Whyyy have I placed my OWNSELF in the friend zone and 2nd place with guys like these before? Why don’t I ever feel enough for so many of the amazing hot masculine guys that have approached me in the past? Why was I all of a sudden feeling like my own beauty and femininity was being attacked when another gorgeous woman came on the scene? (Sidenote: Being cheated on in a relationship gives you a bit of PTSD in this area…)

  Why was I always initiating in all my relationships and friendships with guys? Why was I so afraid to lean back, surrender and trust?

WHOA.

Um. These questions sounded like they needed the help and processing of a professional.

And that’s when I enlisted a relationship and feminine embodiment coach. I wanted to get to the heart of the matter.

Because at the end of the day it wasn't about Mr. Mister, it was about me.

And now I’m about 3 weeks in, and the work that I’ve done has me like:

  I feel more connected to my own heart and body than I have in ages, I’m starting to get answers and down to the root of some of those ingrained faulty beliefs I had about men and myself.

  And I’m also learning more about the science of masculine & feminine polarity in depth.

  I’m studying men.

  I’m understanding more of what they need and value.

I’m understanding more of what women need and value.

  And because of my career in TV production, I’ve learned to successfully operate in a more masculine vibe.

  It’s the vibe that has a lot of direction, drive, achievement, and that “Go-go-go” mentality.

And it’s actually served me well for work.

  But when it came to my relationships, I didn’t know how to turn it off – in many ways I was disconnected from my own femininity – especially the “Surrender” and “Receiving” aspect.

So I would either attract very kind masculine men and quickly get fearful, not knowing what to do with them. But mostly, I would attract handsome men that were much more comfortable operating in a feminine vibe.

  Meaning, they would let me take the lead, and I happily did so, because that made me feel in control and powerful. It’s what I did at work. And I equated that kind of control as security and love and even friendship. But in the end, I realized how this cyclical pattern left me with empty cups and resentment. Because if polarity is at play…the true feminine essence of me was yearning for the true masculine essence of a man.

  But I would push the very men I was attracted to most into their more feminine vibe which would then turn me off and frustrate me….and then I would feel as though I’m begging or trying to earn their affections, their time, their attraction, their commitment. Instead of leaning back and allowing a healthy pursuit and for them to stand strong in their own masculinity.

And alas, it became a vicious friend-zone cycle.

  But here’s the deal, I set the tone. And these beautiful, kind men obliged, until they didn’t… or until I screamed in my car that they were ‘dead to me’…

Hello. My name is Patrice. And I’m an ex-friend zone princess.

  I’m learning that this was a coping mechanism for me, because deep down inside, I was afraid of men – being intimately known by a man and a deep fear of rejection. Which in turn, domino effects into being afraid to truly surrender, and being afraid to truly let my hair and my guard down with a man.

  And so throughout my life, I created this unintentional “Friend zone party” with so many kind available men, with the purpose that “no one gets hurt here” – but somehow, by trying to “play it safe” –  I got hurt the most and hit some bystanders with shrapnel as well.

  But now my eyes are opened afresh.

  Something has shifted.

  And something is changing in me.

  I choose now to surrender. I lean back. Way back.

  I ready my heart to receive love, and not to simply function from the place of being a work horse — always trying give out without truly receiving. But rather drinking it all in and allowing kindness and love to truly land on me and in my heart.

  For women, sometimes the bravest thing we can do is surrender, let go, and lean back.

  And for men, I’m learning….that sometimes the bravest thing you can do, is to love yourselves, stand strong, and move forward in boldness.

It’s time for us to lean into something more brave than what we’re used to….

  I’m preparing us for love. Because you see, this blog journey is going to end better than it began.

  I won’t be single in the end, and I’ll joyfully show off to you my God-lovin’-ridiculously-hot husband, as we live out our adventures and road trips through photos, while we also let you watch the live stream of our wedding, which will most likely include cowboy boots on my part…

Get ready.

Because I still believe God is up to something profound and beautiful.

And that it will be better than it first began… and isn’t that the way we like to see our stories end…

Wisdom’s Knocking:

“Be brave with your one, wild and precious life.”

~Patrice Patrick

How to Heal From a Broken Heart

     

     In many ways it seemed doomed from the beginning. But he was cheeky. He was hot. And he wanted me. Three of my favorite traits in a man.

     I ignored the still small voice telling me to just walk away. I was hard-headed, stubborn, and I needed wanted to see this thing through somehow. You know, when you just want to see how the movie ends for yourself. And sometimes, no amount of sage advice can steer your course otherwise.

     But be prepared, because experience is an often cruel professor.

     I knew I was taking a risk, I knew that if I ignored the gentle voice of caution for too long, there was going to be a crash and burn. We were like fire, he and I.

     With him, there were a lot of firsts --first dates by the pier, first embraces under the stars, first kisses on the hillside...and lots of laughs and silliness.

     Oh, how I wanted to be hopeful.

     And then the day finally happened when I chose to give my heart over, knowing that it wasn't completely in safe hands. "But if only I give him more time to change, we'd be happier--I'd be happier."

     Pause.

     See that was my flaw.

     Waiting to get happy, instead of already being happy.

     And my second flaw:

     Trying to change a man.

     Ladies & Gentlemen:

     We do not change people. We do not control people. And what you see is often what you get.

     And any change or control that you have manipulated or forced onto someone's life, is often an illusion and won't be sustained for the long term.

     If there is any changing to be had, let God author it in their lives. The chances of  that change being sustained is far greater.

     "The first time someone shows you who they are, believe them." - Maya Angelou

     That goes for both the good and bad...

     And then we crashed and burned.

     He cheated and now there was a baby involved. Hers.

     And I spent my nights crying and heaving and crying some more. My heart was utterly and sincerely broken. That was brand new and all kinds of awful for me.

     My tender heart was now thorny and raw.

     So this is what they meant when they talked of a broken heart.

     But I didn't want to look gray, nor did I want to feel like it for the rest of my life.

     And slowly, weeks and months pass, a letter comes from him. Sincere and apologetic, but expressed everything that I had already known beforehand. We were never truly meant to be together.

     And the second blow of heart break pounds my chest, sending reverberations like questions in a mathematician's mind. Why did it all have to figure out like this?

     But replaying and asking questions that were neither here nor there, wouldn't lead me to what I was lacking in the first place, a mature understanding love.

     And then the days became weeks, and the weeks became months and so on, and so forth.

     And my brokenness would soon lead to relief, freedom, and renewed hope.

     Healing came. And so did love.



     And now, I'm so grateful to share with you How I Healed From A Broken Heart: 


Forgive:

     This was honestly my very first step. I didn't feel any emotion when I did it in my bedroom by myself, but it was important to get the words out and let my heart follow suit when it was ready.

     Forgiveness is not about excusing or justifying the behavior that this person did to you, but instead, forgiveness sets you free from carrying the burden of hatred. Which by the way takes up far more energy than you would believe!


Talk it Out:

     Having 1 or 2 key people that you can simply share your heart with is key. These are the folks that will just listen and not try to figure everything out for you. And once you're done talking it out. Then talk it out again.

     Each time you talk it out, ask yourself what you're learning about your own heart from the words that you are sharing.

Release & Pray:

     There's so many times when we just don't understand. Why? Why? Why?

     And when it comes to the many layers of a broken heart, one must be prepared to truly release the pain and give it over to God.

    You may find yourself grabbing the pain back once in a while, simply because it was your comfort tool, but just keep releasing. It will be worth it.

Connect/Re-Connect With Those Things You Loved to Do:

     Do you remember you? If not, you're about to go on a journey of recollection and discovery.

     In fact, we all are discovering --what's been there in us, what's still there in us,  and what will continue to be there in our hearts.


And Believe for Better:

     If you can't begin to believe, see, or agree for something hopeful, you'll most likely not recognize or walk away from a truly hopeful adventure and go back into the arms of your painful past cycles.

     Much like how an abused woman will often find/attract another abuser until she starts to believe that she truly is worth more and deserves better.

     You heart is worth so much more than you know. And there's someone out there that truly knows this to be a fact as well as a gift they want to cherish.

     And the first someone who should embrace this revelation... is yourself.

Wisdom's Knocking: 

“Suffering has been stronger than all other teaching, 

and has taught me to understand what your heart used to be. 

I have been bent and broken, but - I hope - into a better shape.” 

 ― Charles Dickens, Great Expectations