Guest Post: "Know You, Love You, and Be You"

     I started dating late in life. I joke I had the understanding of a 16 year old but a body of
a 25 year old. Needless to say I learned a hard lesson on how nothing good happens
after midnight. I got wrapped in a relationship without commitment and once a soul tie
was made, I lost “me” along the way. It's been a long journey that I'm still walking out
but who I am today is more gracious, loving and fearless because I've allowed myself
the grace to accept all the good, the bad and ugly.

     Here's some nuggets I've learned along my “34 year” way.

     Know you, Be you and Love you.

     You have to know who you are before you can know who you are in a relationship.
You have to be you in all your quirkiness and give them the permission to love you
just as you are. You have to truly love yourself with all your junk knowing you are a
beautiful work in progress. Being authentic with yourself gives you a healthy ability to
grow and just BE in a relationship. If you like doors to be opened don't apologize for
it, just give them grace to learn but stand your ground. If hanging with your bros is
important then stay true to that while respecting the time and needs of your girl. I am
a true believer in making what's important to them important to you but make sure you
don't lose “you” along the way. Having self-respect is one of the greatest gifts you can
give yourself and it starts with loving your beautiful, messy, honest, (sometimes) crazy,
adorable, loveable self.

    Shame is a prison but you have the keys.

     If you have gone places in the past that has brought you shame, Let It Go! Shame is
an awful thing that paralysis you from your potential. It makes you seem small when
really you are strong, able, vivacious and free. Shame defines you as “less than”,
Grace defines you with respect, honor, and worth. What you do might shape you but
it doesn't define you. Don't allow shame to steal a minute, a day, a year of your life.
Acceptance of what was and the ability to set it free will give you grace to lift up your
head in dignity and receive the love that is for you. No good comes from shame.

     What is for you will not pass you by.

     I have been trapped by fear that “IT” may never come unless I work at “it” and make
“it” happen. If I pray a little harder, dream a little bigger, focus more intently it will
suddenly manifest. But as cliché as it sounds when you least expect it, that is when
it happens. Shifting your attention off the thing is not only healthy but helpful. I think
when we want something so bad we send out this needy energy that can come across
as “too much” and unattractive. You might not say I'm desperate with your words but
it's oozing from your very being. The best way to combat “desperato-ville” is to take
your energy off “when will it come” and put it on “who you will be when it does”. I truly
believe that the right (un-perfect) but perfect for you person will come and the best
is to rest in that fact. Find new hobbies, live full adventures, make memories with the
best human beings you've surrounded yourself with and when your person comes they
will be a beautiful addition to a full life that already exist.

     You are enough. You're growing, learning, being and trusting. You are in the right
place. Shake off what was and set your soul free. Lift up your eyes and hold on to
hope. It will happen. Don't sweat it, control it, fear it or force it. Rest in the fact it WILL
come to pass and be okay that there is nothing you can do about it.

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     Kristen Joy Hilyard is a Texas based designer that over the last few years has stepped into her role as a life stylist expert. Through life experience, schooling, creativity, intuition and culture she has grown as an artist and recently launched her business 33Perspective. 

    33Perspective marries her passion for design with her desire to impact pertinent issues related to violence, isolation, and re-imagining one’s life. Each of her pieces are hand design and crafted with intention. 

     Whether stamped, beaded, sculpted or found, they are inspired with herself and others in mind. Her varied experience and influence in the entertainment industry includes the lead role in a short independent film, featured in local and national commercials, and several news segments on Fox News, Great Day Houston, Mirror Mirror, and as a co-host on a political talk show on CNN 650 Radio News. 

     Bohemian in style she frequently sports a sparkle headband with her blonde beach waves and will break out in song at any moment of the day. Spontaneous dancing usually follows…if you are lucky enough to be in her proximity, you will find yourself somewhere in her twirl. Her desire is to connect with the human spirit, and listen and decipher the intentions and hearts of all who visit her future talk show.

You can find out more about Kristen Hilyard here:  http://www.kristenjoy.com/

Holding Patterns

     I'm in a holding pattern of sorts.

     I can feel it.

     And as much as I'd like to buck the ways of the universe right now, something tells me to get still. To chill. To relax.

     This morning, I got an interesting Facebook friend request.

     When I saw the face of this guy, my stomach literally leapt, flew, fluttered, and then tried to carry on as if nothing had ever happened.

     Of course, I already knew who this guy was. But I am no longer falling for a man over a merely friendly gesture. So, I accepted the friend request with a semi-frozen heart.

     But the nerve of my heart and body to still have such a strong reaction to his presence.

     And all the while, I feel like a little red plane circling in the skies, waiting for the control tower to give me permission to land.

     Land where, exactly? I'm not entirely sure.

     But I spent a Wednesday with one of my dearest friends, Yajaira.

     We spent the day eating, walking, bumping into old friends, people watching, and listening to each other's tales of heartbreak and disappointment.

     I don't know how long this holding pattern will last, I'm honestly praying that it will be over once I wake up tomorrow, or by the time you finish reading this post.

     But repeat after me: "Good things still happen."

     They happen in big packages and small. And sometimes even medium packages.

     Today, Yajaira and I embraced our small packages, called them blessings, and hugged each other like sisters when it was time to say good-bye.

     We in our laugh-crying state of being, hope that our future is more memorable than our past, but we are painfully aware that it will take blood, sweat, and tears--otherwise known as waiting, to get there.

     Meanwhile, life is still being lived.

     Beauty is still all around us.

     And even though the drab of missed opportunities and unmet expectation linger in the atmosphere, God is known for taking brokenness aside and making it oh, so incredibly and surprisingly beautiful.

Wisdom's Knocking:

"He has made everything beautiful in its time." 

In its time.

-Ecclesiastes 3:11a

Where Have All the Good Men Gone?

     

     This morning, I was listening to an awesome message on "How to Get Married" by the amazingly funny Alyn Jones.

     Because see, last night I hit a bit of a rough patch. My body was tired and so was my mind. And my default setting went into, "I miss my man", "I wish my man was here" mode. And then I started feeling sorry for myself, and as I lay in bed, I just started weeping.

     I do love my sensitive heart and that I chose not to be a calloused non-feeling individual. There's freedom in that. But I don't just stop there in my own emotions. I ask God to show me what the heck is really going on with my heart.

     Truth be told, that week I was beating myself up a little bit. Or a lot a bit. I felt this immense pressure to perform and accomplish something great. To prove to myself that I could.  But I was becoming miserable in the process.

    You know when you have a crush on someone (or you're in an unhealthy relationship), and you so subtly start morphing into the type of person you think they adore, all the while, losing a real sense of who you are distinctly.

     Well ever since coming back from Europe last year, I had this sense in my spirit that my future boo would be in his life stage of true purpose and passion. Living and doing the thing in which God created him to do. Knowing and feeling this brought me a great sense of excitement; but it also stirred me with a bit of jealousy. I mean what would or could I possibly bring to the table?

     I know that question seems a bit silly. But I also know we all feel inadequate at times, simply not enough, while the exact opposite remains true. You are enough. But here I was in the midst of feeling my own emotions, which happened to be betraying me.

     The point of conflict rested in the fact that I'm in a season of reset and transition regarding my God-given calling and purpose. I've begun a new dedication to this blog with the goal of reaching and encouraging as many single women as I possibly can, writing short stories, working on a book, finishing a script, and saying yes to speaking opportunities (especially involving single women) beyond the youth group that I love.

     But prior to this year, I had gotten quite comfortable simply doing my work in television and tending to my small youth group. Awesome, purpose-inspired, and honorable work indeed, but not the last chapter of the book.

     So here I am carrying this seed of things to come, and yet everything is not in its place, not yet established, not even close--and that feels very unnerving to me.

     In the past, I've always known my 5 year-10 year plan. And when meeting guys then (College, Graduate School) it was easy for me to share where I was going in life and how, in specific terms, I would add value to their life. #letmeupgradeu.

     But now, I feel incredibly vulnerable in terms of destiny and my contributions to a rich marriage.

     I have vision indeed, but communicating that at the moment is proving a bit difficult because I'm still interpreting the language of destiny and purpose for myself.

     My writing, my voice, and the stories I love to share through this blog were becoming polluted with the pressure I was putting on myself to be great for you, great for him, and great for me.

     But those things (My writing, my voice, my stories) must never be used as platforms to affirm that I am a whole and worthy person. These are simply outlets. Gifts to be given, to myself and to others. God has already declared our eternal and astounding worth. So much so, He chooses to enter into relationship with us. #pause

     I had forgotten all of this. In my hopes of impressing myself and any potential suitor, I was putting on layers of performance, and the yoke was becoming heavier and heavier. Resentment was building in my soul, and my trust towards others was diminishing, especially my trust towards men and my future boo.

     So as I continued to listen to Alyn Jones teaching about preparing for marriage. My heart was getting healed. Alyn had also said a similar phrase that CeCie mentioned, in my interview with her a couple weeks back:

"Everybody has eyes to look, but not everybody's using their eyes to see." 

     And that's where I stood. I was becoming cynical about men. I expected to see a man that would be disapproving about my current transitional stage of life, and view me as unworthy and too unappealing to risk being in a relationship with.  Because that was my own apprehensiveness.

     And ladies, you'll find what you seek. Or rather, you'll project your fears on every guy that tries to honestly and respectfully approach you.

     I've learned that cynicism quickly becomes toxic, giving birth to dishonor and later despair (A hint as to why some of the women in your life are "Bitter Bettys"...#imjustsayin) which act as walls between you and the opposite sex.

     So just as I realized I was dealing with a bitter, fearful, and cynical heart, It was then that Alyn starts talking about forgiveness and honoring the opposite sex. He then walks the listeners through a prayer of forgiveness and healing, where he stands in the gap for all men that have dishonored us as women. It was incredibly powerful. (The men weren't left out either, and were led into a healing prayer by Alyn's wife, A.J.).

     As I said the prayer, the heaviness in my heart began to lift. And hope began to arise once again. I felt more like myself than I had in weeks. My identity was being restored once again. And the Lord was proclaiming so kindly and sternly, "You are enough. You are so very worthy. And everyday-- I'm SO PROUD OF YOU."


     And with that profound revelation, my eye sight was restored.

     You'll find what you seek.

     Where have all the good men gone? I promise you, they're still out there and a lot closer than you think (Fathers, brothers, friends, cousins, etc). Often the good men are right where you left them.

     But on that romance tip, when you're ready, truly ready, don't worry--God knows a good man who can and will find you.

Wisdom's Knocking:

Don't let cynicism towards yourself or others, 

blind your heart from recognizing true love.

+++

(The famous line is at: 08:35 in the clip below. xo)

Lots and Lots of Dates, Etc.

     

     I've been in a date drought of sorts, since well...................................

     Okay. You get the picture.

     But I have a feeling the flood gates are about to be released.

     I have this sneaky feeling that I'm gonna be hit up all at once.

     "Can I have your number...Can I have it?....Can I have it? Can have it?

     ...Can I have it?"


     I know. These are honestly the things that I envision in my brilliant imagination. At that very moment, I'm not devising how I could go out and create more peace on the planet, or how to provide solutions amidst a poverty stricken world.

     No, instead, I'm having full blown conversations, meetings and faux dates happen in my mind with invisible people that I have yet to see in real life.

     But I can't quite shake this feeling that I'm going to have to make deliberate choices in the near future. And isn't that what we all avoid? Making choices on purpose. Because then, we'd have to own and take full responsibility for our choices, and there's a part of me that is actually like Peter Pan. There's a part of me that wants to cling to the past, to the past comforts and ways of doing things.

     But here comes the new with all its shiny and all its glimmer, but if you read the fine print, it will plainly tell you, that a big mountain of surrender must be conquered before walking into the land of the new.

     Um. What.

     Didn't I just do this?

     Great. Facing fears. My favorite.

     Nope.

     But I do kinda want what's on the other side. I at least want to have a fair peek at it.

     Oh.

     Oh, shoot.

     That looks like my Land of Milk and Honey.

     But of course there's a dragon and a moat in the chasm between us.

     So I'm trying to muster up enough...something, to just lay down. To be at rest with all that's been presented to me.

     I thought we were just talking about dates in this blog post, but clearly I'm beginning to talk about more than that.

     Being open and ready. That's a big deal for me. And coming into a deeper place of surrender. If I'm honest with you, I'm still fighting it... It's just...I don't want to get burned. And I don't want to be the burner unintentionally. But choices still must be made.

     Ready and Willing to make good and powerful choices = Preparation for Milk and Honey.

     I'm almost there, I'm almost there...

Wisdom's Knocking: 

"The Lord is my shepherd, I lack nothing. 

He makes me lie down in green pastures, 

He leads me beside quiet waters, 

He refreshes my soul. 

He guides me along the right paths for his name’s sake. 

Even though I walk through the darkest valley, 

I will fear no evil, for you are with me; 

your rod and your staff, they comfort me."

-Psalm 23: 1-4

Butterflies Matter

     It's always the little things that leave the most astounding impressions.

     If I meet you for the first time, I may not fully remember your name, but I'll remember that you have a beautiful birth mark on your neck, of which you probably hate. But it almost looks like the shape of a heart.

     And maybe you were ridiculed all your life because of it, maybe that's why you constantly act as though your poppin' your collar, constantly doing a scaled down version of Benedict Cumberbatch's Sherlock Holmes.

     But that's no matter to me.

     It's the little things that leave the most astounding impressions.

    When I looked down at his feet, he was wearing these antique looking cowboy boots and they somehow reminded me of the Civil War. I didn't expect that. I didn't expect him to be so forthright with his fashion choices. So bold. But what stood out most, was the glimmer in his eyes. Both of them. Usually, I see people that have an exceptionally bright light in one eye, not him. Both eyes were shining--with love, towards me.

     It wasn't the boots that were astounding, but it was the fragility of his eyes.

     I bet you were made fun of too. For being too sensitive, not having a strong enough backbone. I know, they did that to me too.

     But I learned it takes courage to cry.

     Tears matter.

     And when you hugged me, you pressed your chin ever so softly into my shoulder. You held it there for a while. It wasn't the hug that did me in. It was your chin.

     It's the littlest things that leave the most astounding impressions.

     And I noticed today, that there's a whole world of beauty and strength around us, even in our defeat. There's someone still carrying a torch for us, whether unrequited or not. And it's the glimmer of hope that streaks across the sky each morning, as the sun rises to remind you of a new day's promises.

     No, things won't be the same. Not as they were.

     That season has past.

     But you are still in the race.

     And when I get overwhelmed by the forest and the trees, I remind myself, that there are still butterflies in the world.

Wisdom's Knocking:

“It has long been an axiom of mine that the little things are infinitely the most important.” 

 ― Arthur Conan Doyle, The Memoirs of Sherlock Holmes