Wherever We Are, That’s Where We Are

     4 years ago.

     Four years ago I was wandering along the internets, most likely looking up romantic inspiration (wedding venues, dresses, floral, you know the stuff us single girls do….) and I somehow stumbled upon a Youtube clip that abruptly arrested my eyes and stopped my heart in its tracks.

     I watched that clip at least 10x and then researched every single clip I could find that night related to it. I made a quick and concrete point to add that to my prayer list.

     Because whatever it was they carried and sang about in those YouTube clips, resonated in my heart as true ….as authentic… as romantic…as covenant… as dreams.

     I remember telling one of my long time friends, “I want That.”

     That’s what we all were made for.

     Such freedom, delight, and a deeper sense of giving, purpose and belonging.

     I shared my admiration (read here: “obsession”) with a few close friends regarding this singing duo I had stumbled upon named, Johnnyswim.

     My friends knew, by the twinkle I had in my eye when I talked about this duo, that I meant business.

     And although I was enamored with who they were musically (truly such strong and extraordinary voices), I was that much more enthralled by how their love for one another translated in their performances--leaving me, the viewer feeling so blessed to have witnessed and shared in their love story-- if only for a few songs.

     The strength and the goal of love is to love. And these two humans seem to embody this in a way that I have rarely ever seen.

     There seemed to be something sacred about listening to these two sing together. So much so, that I didn’t want to rush into seeing them perform live. I knew in my heart it had to be the right time.

     So as they came in and out of Los Angeles, doing amazing live shows--shows that some of my friends went to, I instead held back.

     It just wasn’t the right time yet.

photo: garden and gun magazine outtake

     A year or so later, after I had discovered Johnnyswim, I was at a live music event a friend took to me to at the Hollywood Bowl.  It was meant to be a sweet and unassuming night…

     We had great seats.

     But midway through the night, as the music was playing at the Bowl, suddenly I hear a voice singing behind me.

     It was a voice that was strong and felt strangely familiar.

     I looked confused.

     I slowly started to turn my head around, trying to not draw attention to myself.

     And then I saw him.  Standing directly behind me. As a happy spectator and participant. Singing loudly to the music...

     I literally almost peed myself.

     It was Abner of Johnnyswim.

     !!!!

     Um. What the what?

     How does this even happen?

     Like—out of the thousands of people at this event and he is standing AND singing along to the songs from the stage directly behind me?!

     It would have been enough to just hear Abner….

     But yes, you guessed it.

     Amanda was there as well.

     I am screaming inside.

     SCREAMING.

     I never turn around after that. I just enjoyed the sounds of their voices --alive, bold and singing in complete freedom, as if it were a private concert just for me, for the rest of the night.

     What a special night that was for me.

     It just reminded me that magic is still in the air.

     And good things still happen.

     …When you least expect them.

     That night was 3 years ago.

    Johnnyswim would then go on to tour in Los Angeles and other cities that I frequent, but I never felt like it was quite time for me to hear them play the songs I had fallen in love with over the years.

     I felt peace in the waiting. There was still a timing component to all of this, and I somehow sensed this timing would prove to be important and significant (and perhaps magical).

     So, I happened to book a plane ticket to Texas back in early July of this year for an arbitrary date that happened to be in October…to mostly hang, and of course to re-visit Magnolia Market (My love affair with the HGTV’s television show Fixer Upper will deservedly be a separate blog all its own one day) among other places and people.

     But yes, I booked a random date to go to Texas, of which I find out a few weeks after I purchased my ticket that Magnolia Market would be having a “Silobration” – a celebration marking the new buildings, artistry, and food of Joanna & Chip Gaines’ Magnolia Market, on the exact dates that I’d be in town…That alone would have been enough for me.

     (I was actually bummed last year to not make it to the original “Silobration” –and at the time, it seemed to be a one-time only event.)

      I had missed my chance.

      Or so I had thought.

      But no I hadn’t, because they decided to bring the “Silobration” back…bigger and better than the original. Yesss Lawd.)

     And as if that weren’t enough, a couple weeks after announcing this unique “Silobration” situation, another announcement was made…. A live concert had been added to this whole beautiful extravaganza.

    A live concert featuring none other than…

     Johnnyswim.

     #DEAD

     Um. What.

     I mean. I can’t make this stuff up people.

     So clearly and undoubtedly I have a date with destiny.

     And now I feel ready.

     Now the timing feels right.

     I have no idea what to fully expect, but regardless, I plan on being as completely present as I possibly can.

     And through it all, I hope to learn more about the ways of love.

     Because I think that’s what this journey has been about all along.

     So yes, on October 7th, 2016 for the first time in 4 years, I’ll be hearing Johnnyswim perform live.

Epilogue:

     To my beautiful friends reading this-- who are actually friends of Johnnyswim, DO NOT embarrass me by trying to introduce me to them. I beg of you.

     I have zero words to say to Abner and Amanda. I’ll simply just drool on myself and make inappropriate facial expressions (#theusual).

     Instead, I just want another corner of the world to be introduced to the feeling, inspiration and, hope that I felt, that very first time (and continue to feel) in the midst of their artistry and their love shared as husband and wife.

     And I hope their voices, their music, and their lives, spark something in you, something deep…Perhaps even something buried….

{ Link: "Diamonds" - https://youtu.be/F7o9yG1mWcE }

{ Link: "Home" - https://youtu.be/APoRFLtD8z4 }

{ Link: "Hallelujah" - https://youtu.be/bxt4fmyIQKU }

{ Link: "In My Arms" - https://youtu.be/Uv3E8nkQ_zo }

{ Link: "Summer Time Romance" - https://youtu.be/06CcrnFctlo }

Wisdom’s Knocking:

“You are where you are when you’re there.”

– Chris Stapleton

Johnnyswim on iTunes: https://itunes.apple.com/us/artist/johnnyswim/id1135465336

 Johnnyswim Website: www.johnnyswim.com

My Un-Romance of 2013

Photo Credit: Lindsay Coleman

     I hate sounding like a broken record. Repeating the same things over and over again, with no new result.

     And then I look to my inspirations. My friends, my family, God. They're all artists in some way, in some fashion.

     They leave a unique fingerprint on my heart that no one else can overshadow or take away.

     I've been missing out on so much love.

     Love that's been right there in front me.

     Why do I, feel the need to want and want and want those things that are allusive. Farther away.

     Because when I get close to those things, I then want and want and want something further out.

     And so the cycle continues.

     I hate sounding like a broken record.

     I've spent more time thinking about you and thinking about what you'd think of me when I say what I'm about to say.

     Year after year, I've proclaimed that a particular year would be, had to be, couldn't help but be, my year--the year in which all my romantic notions and expectations would be fulfilled. We've prayed about it, had dreams about it, cried about it, laughed about it,  had visions about it, confirmations about it, and so on and so forth.

     But in an attempt to not outsmart my circumstances, I'm proclaiming that 2013 will be my year of Singleness.  The year of no romance for Patrice.

    Now, I know some of you will be tempted to text and call me immediately after reading that last sentence. But I encourage you not to.

     Because 2013 will be a year of great love for me. I'm convinced of that.

     Romance is already all around me. And I love celebrating it.

     I love looking at the grandeur of a sunset, the beauty of the lines on my mother's face.

     The magic of when two eyes meet and there's a special connection, if only for a moment.

     I love the way in which God speaks to me through the teenagers I mentor at my church. And how God loves me in the ordinary and mundane to-dos of my life.

     I love the sensation of writing and hearing from someone who has connected with my words.

     It's all wonderfully and magnificently romantic.

     But somehow along the way, I've lost sight of timing and truth and how my heart truly fits into my own romance story. I need to clear my head, and I think 2013 is just the place to do it in.

     I don't want to miss the now, looking at the not yet fully formed future.

     You see, I hate sounding like a broken record. And I hate looking like a fool. And somehow, I feel like I've effortlessly accomplished both in these last several years.

     And yes, my heart is still hurting a bit from this year's failed romantic expectations,  and perhaps it's also a bit guarded, but that's not the only reason I'm throwing in the towel. I feel myself half-living in certain areas because I feel cheated in some way. Which is a complete lie. My life is full and complete and overflowing with love and goodness. And if something (or my own views and perspectives) are preventing me from seeing that, they need to move aside and get readjusted.

    I mean, aren't you interested in hearing other topics from me in this blog, beyond the one I've been addressing for the last several years? There's so much more.

     But please believe, I'll continue to encourage and believe with you for your beautiful God-given romance. I know it's on its way. But for me, the verdict is still pending. And that's okay. Things are not always as they appear or how we think they will or should be.

     And that's the truth I have to consider.

     So in 2013, I'm intentionally choosing a new journey. A new outlook.

     And now the repeating record just stopped.

Wisdom's Knocking:

"I hope you live a life you're proud of. If you find that you're not, I hope you have the strength to start all over again."

- F. Scott Fitzgerald

To the Man I Love

Photo Credit: Kappel Cloninger

Date: Sometime in the Future...


     It's been a long journey.

     A woman doesn't just give her true heart to just anyone.

     I was ready. And I just knew.

     Some people believe that true love stories are only relegated to perfect love songs and movie screens. But I knew better...

     In the summer of 2012, I had a conversation with a guy friend of mine. He asked me when was the last time, I had been in a relationship and I sheepishly answered...10 years ago. Shock filled his eyes.

     He asked how long that relationship had been, and I was embarrassed to say...but I admitted the truth nonetheless... The relationship had lasted only 6 months. He looked stunned and full of pity; and a bit of disapproval crossed his face.

     He then went on to ask me why the relationship ended. I stated, "Because he cheated."

     My friend stated, "Was that all?.."

     I looked perplexed.

     Had the rules of love changed?

     In my experience, true Love often produces a moral compass that is beyond our own common way of doing things. In essence, you want to do better, be better, love better. Love makes you want to be the best version of yourself.

     But when the cancer of cheating (subtle or blatant) enters a relationship, it breeds distrust. And without trust in a relationship...well...Love is no longer at the forefront...instead, it's ugly adversary, Fear begins to take over.

     And for us as women, often being the nurturers of a relationship, we thrive off of connection. But when a man severs that connection, a part of our heart...the one we showed and gave to you, doesn't quite know how to function. And we die a little bit inside. Irrational actions soon occur on our part, but that's mostly our pain and our hurt talking.

     Until the real healing begins... and "I'm sorry's" are not just scripted dialogue, but truly heartfelt. Seeing that both words and actions line up, making way for forgiveness to be shared lavishly.  Having vision again, and knowing that we both are wanting to head in the same direction. Then and only then can the digging begin, a rediscovery of sorts, a newfound love, a love that is just as authentic if not more than it was in the beginning, because this love has now been tried through the fire, like gold, a love blazing more intensely than ever before.

     But "Was that all?" Was my ex's cheating the only reason why that old relationship ended. Probably not. We weren't madly in love, more like madly in like. Among many other things, we didn't share the same vision for our future, and that just wasn't enough to sustain either of us in the end.

     However, in that moment, I wanted to express to my male counterpart, that receiving a woman's heart is an absolute gift...a woman doesn't just give her true heart to just anyone. There are mysteries in a woman's heart that only a handful of people on the entire planet will ever get to see. And if you are blessed to be one of 6 billion people to be given the gift of her heart, just know that it is worth far more than rubies and diamonds.

     And anything done to crush that woman's heart, is no light matter...it's like crushing the heart of some one's daughter. Because she is some one's daughter. She holds the hopes and dreams of her family's legacy. And all of that mystery and beauty of who she is...amidst the 6 billion people on the planet, by the hand of God, somehow made it to you....and was entrusted to you and you alone.

     But my guy friend had no grid or understanding of this yet. Perhaps, because he too, was reeling from his own pain, being hurt by a woman in his past relationship, and could not yet see or understand that his true love story was still waiting for him, just on the other side of his own healing.

     And yes, I'm very aware that men love deeply as well. And when men are hurt and heartbroken in relationships, it is just as devastating to them as well, even if they don't fully express the pain. Their irrational actions may result in quick and repeated rebounds and anything else that would fill the time, in order for them not to face themselves and the healing that needs to occur.

----

     We've all been taught to suppress our emotions, and to become more like a "man" in a man's world. Buck up and just move forward. But there's something to be said for releasing and expressing emotion amidst the journey--allowing yourself time to grieve, to heal, and then of course--to expect again.

----

     I wasn't looking for Lust when I met you, I was craving Love. I didn't want to just give you my body, I wanted to freely give you my heart.

     I could have easily slept with many, to ease the pain of not having a body pressed against mine. Of not being held. But I would have been giving a piece of my heart away--I'd be giving my peace away as well. I'm not meant for a "Hit-it-and-quit-it" lifestyle. Sometimes I wish I were... But I'm just not that girl.

---

     But you, my Field of Dreams, never gave me pause. I never had to wonder if it was really me that you wanted. You let me unfold my life into your arms. Your strong arms. Your tender arms. And I want to start a family with you. I want our kids to have our love and your eyes.

     I adore you above all.

     And I will never expect perfection from you. Jesus is all the perfection I'll ever need in this life.

     Your presence is a reminder of the good gifts that God so freely gives.


     I'm the girl that loves deeply. My scars and my vulnerability exposed for you to see. I'll cry at sappy commercials, act aggressive and push you away when I just want you to hold me,  and I'll laugh at the most inappropriate times.

---

     And you are my redemption story.

     I waited and believed for you, even when I lost hope. I waited for you amidst the mockery of my own thoughts, my peers, and my circumstances. But I somehow knew this day would come.

     Our choices matter. And I've chosen you, even before I met you, I chose you.

     And when I don't feel like loving you, I'm going to choose to love you more, to love you well. Because you are the man that I have chosen to love. The man that I have chosen to give my true heart to, wholly and completely.

     My delight will be in seeing you smile and in doing my best to love you well.

   

Happy Wedding Day.

Love,
Patrice

Wisdom's Knocking:

"Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life." 

-Proverbs 13:12

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My Head Hurts

Photo Credit: Hannah Anderson

From crying.

See, this is the thing.

Surrender doesn't just happen. Poof. And then you're done. Too legit 2 quit. Hey, hey.

No. Surrender presses and squeezes every last bit of control out of your being.

This too shall pass.

But until then, I practice a fresh surrender each new day. Each new moment.

Underneath it all--the antics, the dramatics, the impatience, I'm anticipating. I'm anticipating something good.

Labor pains are no joke---So I've heard.

And now, it's time to give birth.

Wisdom's Knocking:

"Never give up on a dream because of the time it will take to accomplish it. The time will pass anyway." -Earl Nightingale