Date: Sometime in the Future...
It's been a long journey.
A woman doesn't just give her true heart to just anyone.
I was ready. And I just knew.
Some people believe that true love stories are only relegated to perfect love songs and movie screens. But I knew better...
In the summer of 2012, I had a conversation with a guy friend of mine. He asked me when was the last time, I had been in a relationship and I sheepishly answered...10 years ago. Shock filled his eyes.
He asked how long that relationship had been, and I was embarrassed to say...but I admitted the truth nonetheless... The relationship had lasted only 6 months. He looked stunned and full of pity; and a bit of disapproval crossed his face.
He then went on to ask me why the relationship ended. I stated, "Because he cheated."
My friend stated, "Was that all?.."
I looked perplexed.
Had the rules of love changed?
In my experience, true Love often produces a moral compass that is beyond our own common way of doing things. In essence, you want to do better, be better, love better. Love makes you want to be the best version of yourself.
But when the cancer of cheating (subtle or blatant) enters a relationship, it breeds distrust. And without trust in a relationship...well...Love is no longer at the forefront...instead, it's ugly adversary, Fear begins to take over.
And for us as women, often being the nurturers of a relationship, we thrive off of connection. But when a man severs that connection, a part of our heart...the one we showed and gave to you, doesn't quite know how to function. And we die a little bit inside. Irrational actions soon occur on our part, but that's mostly our pain and our hurt talking.
Until the real healing begins... and "I'm sorry's" are not just scripted dialogue, but truly heartfelt. Seeing that both words and actions line up, making way for forgiveness to be shared lavishly. Having vision again, and knowing that we both are wanting to head in the same direction. Then and only then can the digging begin, a rediscovery of sorts, a newfound love, a love that is just as authentic if not more than it was in the beginning, because this love has now been tried through the fire, like gold, a love blazing more intensely than ever before.
But "Was that all?" Was my ex's cheating the only reason why that old relationship ended. Probably not. We weren't madly in love, more like madly in like. Among many other things, we didn't share the same vision for our future, and that just wasn't enough to sustain either of us in the end.
However, in that moment, I wanted to express to my male counterpart, that receiving a woman's heart is an absolute gift...a woman doesn't just give her true heart to just anyone. There are mysteries in a woman's heart that only a handful of people on the entire planet will ever get to see. And if you are blessed to be one of 6 billion people to be given the gift of her heart, just know that it is worth far more than rubies and diamonds.
And anything done to crush that woman's heart, is no light matter...it's like crushing the heart of some one's daughter. Because she is some one's daughter. She holds the hopes and dreams of her family's legacy. And all of that mystery and beauty of who she is...amidst the 6 billion people on the planet, by the hand of God, somehow made it to you....and was entrusted to you and you alone.
But my guy friend had no grid or understanding of this yet. Perhaps, because he too, was reeling from his own pain, being hurt by a woman in his past relationship, and could not yet see or understand that his true love story was still waiting for him, just on the other side of his own healing.
And yes, I'm very aware that men love deeply as well. And when men are hurt and heartbroken in relationships, it is just as devastating to them as well, even if they don't fully express the pain. Their irrational actions may result in quick and repeated rebounds and anything else that would fill the time, in order for them not to face themselves and the healing that needs to occur.
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We've all been taught to suppress our emotions, and to become more like a "man" in a man's world. Buck up and just move forward. But there's something to be said for releasing and expressing emotion amidst the journey--allowing yourself time to grieve, to heal, and then of course--to expect again.
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I wasn't looking for Lust when I met you, I was craving Love. I didn't want to just give you my body, I wanted to freely give you my heart.
I could have easily slept with many, to ease the pain of not having a body pressed against mine. Of not being held. But I would have been giving a piece of my heart away--I'd be giving my peace away as well. I'm not meant for a "Hit-it-and-quit-it" lifestyle. Sometimes I wish I were... But I'm just not that girl.
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But you, my Field of Dreams, never gave me pause. I never had to wonder if it was really me that you wanted. You let me unfold my life into your arms. Your strong arms. Your tender arms. And I want to start a family with you. I want our kids to have our love and your eyes.
I adore you above all.
And I will never expect perfection from you. Jesus is all the perfection I'll ever need in this life.
Your presence is a reminder of the good gifts that God so freely gives.
I'm the girl that loves deeply. My scars and my vulnerability exposed for you to see. I'll cry at sappy commercials, act aggressive and push you away when I just want you to hold me, and I'll laugh at the most inappropriate times.
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And you are my redemption story.
I waited and believed for you, even when I lost hope. I waited for you amidst the mockery of my own thoughts, my peers, and my circumstances. But I somehow knew this day would come.
Our choices matter. And I've chosen you, even before I met you, I chose you.
And when I don't feel like loving you, I'm going to choose to love you more, to love you well. Because you are the man that I have chosen to love. The man that I have chosen to give my true heart to, wholly and completely.
My delight will be in seeing you smile and in doing my best to love you well.
Happy Wedding Day.
Love,
Patrice
Wisdom's Knocking:
"Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life."
-Proverbs 13:12