healing

Finding Closure




     I used to think that I had to wait until everything was perfect until I could start something.

     And I used to think that I had to wait until everything was flawless and neatly wrapped up in order to finish something and walk away.

     Once thought to be something so effortless and simple when we were younger, now beginnings and endings have proven more complex than we could have ever imagined.

     At the time, with your heart, you had believed. You trusted and moved forward. And no one can take that bravery away from you.

     And that is why beginnings prove to be so magical. They are full of such possibility and hope.

     And we live a little.

     But no one could see down the road fully, not perfectly. And no one could foresee how these circumstances would fully play out.

     And now with hearts aching from those things lost, we yearn for some sense of closure to stand on.

     Both beginnings and endings need such care and attention. But its our own hearts that impede the process and often get in the way.

     As of late, I'm learning our own power in in the midst of such transitional and unresolved circumstances. The choice and power to let go. To move forward into the foggy mist of the new and undefined whereabouts of your next victory.

     And yet we are not rendered hopeless or even unloved through the hardship of this kind of surrender. But in fact, we are transforming into stronger vessels. Vessels that can hold a more passionate and profound amount of love.

     Much like gold refined in the fire.

     I'm currently in close quarters with people dealing with this idea of finding closure, whether it be with family members, relationships, or false gold dreams. Some have found the closure they long for, but most have not.

     And it is in those murky areas, where rage rests quietly upon our hearts, and begins to taint our words and expectations.

     I, myself, have been dealing with anger regarding certain scenarios in my life being void of immediate closure, understanding and interpretation.

     But truly, it is God who is the Author and Finisher of all our story lines, even the ones that currently seem hopeless and discouraging.

     While we may be able to place commas and even semi-colons in our worlds, relationships and circumstances -- God is creating the eternal the chapters.

     And then I remember.

     God is a God of redemption.

     We often feel like we are relegated to walk through life with a limp because of the unresolve of others and the circumstances thrown our way, unable to give ourselves over to any true and hopeful new beginning. But that's not true.

     Instead, we and our once brave hearts are challenged to not only remember that good things can and still happen, but that God is good. He is always our beautiful and ready beginning and our hopeful ending. Of which our defeated spirits and thirty hearts can find hope and renewed expectation in Him first. There is rest to be found there.

     It's not so much about becoming weary in finding the perfect closure, because the deepest and most needed aspects of closure have already found us.






Wisdom's Knocking:

Closure doesn't start with someone else giving you the permission 
to begin, end, or fully understand.

Much like forgiveness, the power of closure begins with you.









The Artist Next Door: Lindsay Coleman



     "For some time now, I've wanted to share these people with you in great detail and splendor. I wanted to honor their struggle, their process, their manifested dreams coming true, and those dreams that they are still contending for. I wanted you to understand how I've been shaped as a person, because of their presence in my life.

     The people that I will feature in this on-going series, titled, "The Artist Next Door", will highlight these extraordinary people, and will give you a sneak peak into their world, the behind the scenes of people you may have heard of, or may not have.

     With that said, I can guarantee--you can do anything but forget these stories or these people after meeting them. And I'm pretty positive they'll stir something in you. Perhaps something delightful, you didn't know was still there."

      I met the lovely Lindsay Coleman when she was about 19. She and her best friend Kaitlyn became like spiritual daughters to me, and I've had the pleasure of seeing them both grow and mature into incredible women. Today,  Lindsay is not merely a 'daughter' but a dear friend, and someone who I greatly respect.

      She is candid with you and I, as she shares her battle with fear, her awakening to creativity, and her anchor in God.

      It's a pleasure to officially introduce to you all, Lindsay Coleman:

__________________________________________________________


When did you know that you had a knack for creativity?

Well, I always could feel it. But I started painting and experimenting with photography when I was 15. I quickly became attached to both mediums as outlets for my heart and ideas. But it wasn’t until people started positively commenting and eventually purchasing my work that I realized I had a knack for it.


What do you love most about the creative process.

Oh my. I love that it IS a process. Going from nothing to something is scary and fun and fascinating all at the same time. I love that the creative process pushes me to think in different ways and forces me to see different perspectives. It also requires me to go deep into my heart in order to create something authentic, which can be frightening but is always so good.


What's your current favorite artistic medium and why?

Hmmm, my favorite would have to be acrylic on wood. It’s been a fave for a handful of years now. It never gets old. I prefer painting on wood instead of canvas because it offers much more texture and just feels better to me. I typically don’t prime the wood before painting because I like how the wood absorbs the paint.


How did we meet?

We met at church in Malibu in 2003/2004. Wow, it’s been over 10 years! I looked up to you so much because of your spunk, heart, and wisdom.


When you were 13 years old, what was your main goal and dream to accomplish in life?

Honestly, all I wanted when I was 13 was to not be afraid/scared of everything. I was always so insecure, shy, and concerned with what people thought of me. I was always wondering if I was “good enough” (in any/every way) that it consumed me. And I remember hoping and praying to not be like that someday. Also, at 13 I really, really wanted to be a pediatrician. :)


What has been one of the hardest internal battles you've faced in your life?

Wow. Great question! One of the biggest things I’ve dealt with in my life is the fear of not being good enough. “Good Enough” at what? Anything and everything. The way I speak; how I dress; the art I create; the ways I show love; the way my body looks (that was a BIG one); how I give; the way I do mundane things; the way I express myself. I mean, everything has been under the magnifying glass of “is this good enough?” And typically the internal answer was a resounding “NO!”

Ever since I was a young girl this has been my battle. Not entirely sure how that got so infused into my DNA at such a young age, but it did. In a major way.




How did you overcome, and if you haven't, how are you walking through it?

It’s definitely a battle to leave behind something that’s been so much a part of who I’ve been. Thankfully, though, the Lord has brought so much healing to my life in many ways and through people like you, Patrice! It’s also taken the conscious decision every day, sometimes every move I made, to think differently. I have to consciously think about the thoughts I think about myself and my life in terms of judging myself too harshly and unnecessarily. Then course correct those thoughts if needed. I swim in the grace of the Lord and He’s my refuge when I feel completely inadequate. He speaks life and truth and hope into my heart and His love is what is transforming me.


Who is someone that inspires you and why?

Several people come to mind! Not sure how to narrow it down to one. Let’s see… My sister, Kelly Blumberg, inspires me to no end. She’s brilliantly creative. Tremendously dedicated. So hardworking. Isn’t afraid to speak her mind. Knows how to keep her priorities straight. Generous. Beautifully loving. Is one of the best parents I’ve ever seen (along with her husband). I have learned so much from her!!


What was the motivation for "You're Enough", "Face The Unknown", and "Let the Light Shine In”?



"You're Enough" - As I've mentioned, my biggest hangup in life is feeling as though I'm not good enough. Working through that has been a long process. This past summer I heard a beautiful song by Sleeping At Last titled "You Are Enough." When I heard it I cried and listened to it on repeat. It was one of a handful of songs I continually listened to for several months straight. It spoke life to me and is so beautiful musically as well. So, I painted one painting that had "You're Enough" written on it to remind myself. And then I started painting those two words over and over. (Fun fact: The specific painting pictured was a custom ordered one. I made about 15 different pieces for this customer and didn't give her the piece until I felt it was the right one. And this was it.)



"Face The Unknown" -  So, 2014 started with me thinking about how I want to grow this year. I decided my theme for the year is Brave and the word of the year is Authenticity. This painting came out of that place because I had been pondering that being authentic meant I needed to be brave within myself and who I am. I wanted to step away from living in fear and, for me, that was facing the unknown.





"Let the Light Shine In" -  In the fall of 2013 I was working through some personal stuff and was praying a lot about it. During some prayer times I kept remembering that the Lord IS life and breathes life into me and into the places that hurt or feel broken. It then reminded me of the verse John 1:4
" In Him was life; and the life was the light of men." And so my prayer became "let the light shine in." Which in turn is where this painting came from. For me the colors are symbolic of the different facets of life and of the many ways that God moves.


How has being single during your 20s shaped your current outlook on life?

Wow. Well, I learned about not giving up on what I truly wanted and what I felt that God had for me. That’s something that has filtered into every area of my life. Also, I realized I could be me and live my own life which didn’t require a man to be in it. That helped me overcome some fear, too.

Being single in my 20s also helped me figure out who I am, how to appreciate myself, and who I wanted to be. As difficult as it was at times to be single for so long (even though a lot of it was because of my own fear) I knew it was beneficial. I also was able to learn what I really wanted in life and in a significant other without the distractions of crushes/boyfriends. Now that I am 30 and in a relationship, I am so grateful for the time I was single during my 20s because, for me, that was exactly where I needed to be as it was foundational for me to learn about myself and God. There was a foundation laid in my heart of continual hope in God during that time that is not easily shaken.






How do you define beauty?

In different ways.

Physical beauty: I think every single person has a beauty all their own. Each is an expression of the heart of God and therefore has beauty to be seen and honored.

Abstract beauty: Is your heart kind? Do you have compassion for others? Do you love yourself? Do you extend grace to others (and yourself!) to be right where they’re at? Do you laugh often? Are you encouraging? Do you look for ways to serve others? Those are some traits that I think make our hearts beautiful- the kind of beauty the we exude from the inside out. The kind of beauty that really shines.


And how in the world do you make people feel at ease in front of the camera?! I mean, you got me to feel so beautiful about my body no matter what size I was at the time. You have such a gift!

OH girl. Thank you! That’s one of my favorite things to do! My heart is to create space for people to be safe and free to be completely themselves. I desire for people to feel valued, beautiful, and seen. I can often see unique facets of people and try to convey that to them while photographing so they can connect with what I’m seeing and, hopefully, open up more. It’s a beautiful process and one I don’t take lightly. I appreciate the trust that is placed in me when I have the opportunity to photograph someone.




Photograph of me, by Lindsay Coleman circa 2009


I {Patrice} often feel like a "Late Bloomer" in so many areas of my life, what wisdom to you have to share to other "Late Bloomers".

I definitely feel like a late bloomer as well! I want you to know that though there might be an “average”, no one is the same! No one’s life stories are the same. We are all beautifully different and that is GOOD. An example of me being a late bloomer: I didn’t start dating until I was 30 (which I turned last summer!). I didn’t date for a number of reasons- mostly I didn’t feel ready and was pretty insecure, and also because I knew it wouldn’t work out with the guys that were interested in me so I didn’t want to waste time and heart space. So I just kept living my life and dreaming/praying of the time when I’d be adored and have someone to adore. I am now in that place and it is magical! It has reminded me that no matter what society tells me is good/bad or what I “should” be doing or “should have” already experienced, my life is on my own timeline with God. And I can rest in the peace of knowing that is a GOOD thing. Remember to have patience in what seems like a challenge or when you are so sick of being a late bloomer. Just know you’re in the right spot for YOU.

 Also, on the flip side, if you feel like you’re a late bloomer in an area of your life due to trauma or fear, ask the Lord how you can grow and also seek the wisdom of a trusted friend. Sometimes we can keep ourselves stuck in a place of late blooming because of fear. (I speak from experience!) And when you realize you can let it go and actually bloom, it’ll change your life.


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To Find Out More About Lindsay Coleman:















Walk It Out

     


     Recently, I drove to my nearest hiking trail, took a good book with me, and rested in the trail's beginning point, basking in the heated sunlight.

     I didn't actually plan on walking at all, I simply wanted to be outdoors, in nature, reading a book.

     It's sometimes so beneficial to solely take the time.

     Earlier, I thought my day was going to be full of people, small talk, and racing all around town. But God had other plans.

     I needed to get still.

     It's one of my favorite things to do. To be outside in nature, whether it's a desert landscape like my hometown, or a faintly green hillside in the valleys of Southern California. It's so nice to breath air outside the four walls of the caves we cling to.

     And so, I sat down with my good book.

     I also had a prime view of all the new visitors intently making their way into the trail. Some were men with neon biker shorts, playing Kelly Clarkson, from their armband music player, others were ladies with softly shaped baseball caps and water bottles in hand, Some were with friends. And some were families with kids.

     I thought to myself, how precious is this? That these families are taking the time to simply be with their young kids, while they're still young.

     This one father was with his two younger boys. They looked to be about 6 and 10 years old. The boys both had walking sticks with them, and the dad had a backpack on.

     I couldn't quite hear the conversation happening between the three of them. But the boys seemed to be in heaven, while they jumped around and tried to use their walking sticks as swords. The dad was peaceful and happy. He was the sun in the story. And the boys orbited around him effortlessly as they continuously walked forward on the trail.

     It was such a beautiful picture.

     But everyone, even the friends, the families, those walking alone, or in packs--they all had a hurried walk about them. Much like the walkers you see in New York City. There was a deep sense of focused purpose, while walking towards the trail.

     It was an odd cocktail,  a sense of anticipation mixed with irritation and subtle intensity.

     And as I sat there with my book, the sunlight began to clear my eyes. And about an hour later, I would begin to see the same people I saw arrive, now beginning to exit.

     And it was like a night and day vision.

     The intensity, the irritability and the agitation that had cloaked them, had somehow disintegrated.

     The anticipation was still there in their eyes but with a calm sense of reverence about them.

     It was clear.

     They had been readjusted.

     Looking at and breathing in things that are larger than you, changes you.

     The funny thing is, I don't know how aware these people were of their own transformation.

     But they gave me a clue into my own.

     I realized that my own body was feeling relaxed, as if I had had a massage in the realm of my emotions. Upon arriving at the trail, I honestly didn't know how tense I was.

     Before coming, I'd simply thought it was a good idea to get some sunlight and a bit of reading done. But it became clear, I had also been worried about a few things.  And now, sitting at the trail an hour later, I was no longer consumed with how these things would be resolved, but had peace that they would be.

     I love that God has a way of calming us down.

     Especially through nature.

     There's probably a park, a trail, or even just a road slightly outside of your city limits that leads to wide open spaces. I encourage you to visit one of them this week.

      Sometimes a change of scenery helps to change and reset our perspective and open our hearts for the good things God wants to give us.




Wisdom's Knocking: 

And He [Jesus] arose, and rebuked the wind and said unto the sea, 
“Peace, be still.” 
And the wind ceased, and there was a great calm.

- Mark 4:39









To the Man I Love



Date: Sometime in the Future...


     It's been a long journey.

     A woman doesn't just give her true heart to just anyone.

     I was ready. And I just knew.

     Some people believe that true love stories are only relegated to perfect love songs and movie screens. But I knew better...

     In the summer of 2012, I had a conversation with a guy friend of mine. He asked me when was the last time, I had been in a relationship and I sheepishly answered...10 years ago. Shock filled his eyes.

     He asked how long that relationship had been, and I was embarrassed to say...but I admitted the truth nonetheless... The relationship had lasted only 6 months. He looked stunned and full of pity; and a bit of disapproval crossed his face.

     He then went on to ask me why the relationship ended. I stated, "Because he cheated."

     My friend stated, "Was that all?.."

     I looked perplexed.

     Had the rules of love changed?

     In my experience, true Love often produces a moral compass that is beyond our own common way of doing things. In essence, you want to do better, be better, love better. Love makes you want to be the best version of yourself.

     But when the cancer of cheating (subtle or blatant) enters a relationship, it breeds distrust. And without trust in a relationship...well...Love is no longer at the forefront...instead, it's ugly adversary, Fear begins to take over.

     And for us as women, often being the nurturers of a relationship, we thrive off of connection. But when a man severs that connection, a part of our heart...the one we showed and gave to you, doesn't quite know how to function. And we die a little bit inside. Irrational actions soon occur on our part, but that's mostly our pain and our hurt talking.

     Until the real healing begins... and "I'm sorry's" are not just scripted dialogue, but truly heartfelt. Seeing that both words and actions line up, making way for forgiveness to be shared lavishly.  Having vision again, and knowing that we both are wanting to head in the same direction. Then and only then can the digging begin, a rediscovery of sorts, a newfound love, a love that is just as authentic if not more than it was in the beginning, because this love has now been tried through the fire, like gold, a love blazing more intensely than ever before.

     But "Was that all?" Was my ex's cheating the only reason why that old relationship ended. Probably not. We weren't madly in love, more like madly in like. Among many other things, we didn't share the same vision for our future, and that just wasn't enough to sustain either of us in the end.

     However, in that moment, I wanted to express to my male counterpart, that receiving a woman's heart is an absolute gift...a woman doesn't just give her true heart to just anyone. There are mysteries in a woman's heart that only a handful of people on the entire planet will ever get to see. And if you are blessed to be one of 6 billion people to be given the gift of her heart, just know that it is worth far more than rubies and diamonds.

     And anything done to crush that woman's heart, is no light matter...it's like crushing the heart of some one's daughter. Because she is some one's daughter. She holds the hopes and dreams of her family's legacy. And all of that mystery and beauty of who she is...amidst the 6 billion people on the planet, by the hand of God, somehow made it to you....and was entrusted to you and you alone.

     But my guy friend had no grid or understanding of this yet. Perhaps, because he too, was reeling from his own pain, being hurt by a woman in his past relationship, and could not yet see or understand that his true love story was still waiting for him, just on the other side of his own healing.

     And yes, I'm very aware that men love deeply as well. And when men are hurt and heartbroken in relationships, it is just as devastating to them as well, even if they don't fully express the pain. Their irrational actions may result in quick and repeated rebounds and anything else that would fill the time, in order for them not to face themselves and the healing that needs to occur.

----

     We've all been taught to suppress our emotions, and to become more like a "man" in a man's world. Buck up and just move forward. But there's something to be said for releasing and expressing emotion amidst the journey--allowing yourself time to grieve, to heal, and then of course--to expect again.

----

     I wasn't looking for Lust when I met you, I was craving Love. I didn't want to just give you my body, I wanted to freely give you my heart.

     I could have easily slept with many, to ease the pain of not having a body pressed against mine. Of not being held. But I would have been giving a piece of my heart away--I'd be giving my peace away as well. I'm not meant for a "Hit-it-and-quit-it" lifestyle. Sometimes I wish I were... But I'm just not that girl.

---


     But you, my Field of Dreams, never gave me pause. I never had to wonder if it was really me that you wanted. You let me unfold my life into your arms. Your strong arms. Your tender arms. And I want to start a family with you. I want our kids to have our love and your eyes.

     I adore you above all.

     And I will never expect perfection from you. Jesus is all the perfection I'll ever need in this life.

     Your presence is a reminder of the good gifts that God so freely gives.


     I'm the girl that loves deeply. My scars and my vulnerability exposed for you to see. I'll cry at sappy commercials, act aggressive and push you away when I just want you to hold me,  and I'll laugh at the most inappropriate times.

---

     And you are my redemption story.

     I waited and believed for you, even when I lost hope. I waited for you amidst the mockery of my own thoughts, my peers, and my circumstances. But I somehow knew this day would come.

     Our choices matter. And I've chosen you, even before I met you, I chose you.

     And when I don't feel like loving you, I'm going to choose to love you more, to love you well. Because you are the man that I have chosen to love. The man that I have chosen to give my true heart to, wholly and completely.

     My delight will be in seeing you smile and in doing my best to love you well.

   

Happy Wedding Day.

Love,
Patrice






Wisdom's Knocking:

"Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life." 
-Proverbs 13:12









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